Confusion and Chaos - Updated

Our time at Total Confusion was pretty good this year. Michael enjoyed Clay Wars.



This one is Michael's creation.


Kids create their clay figure, and then they attack each other. The hand is the measurement of movement. Each person is given a special power (Michael got booger bombs; some got the "claw" which was tongs that you could attack the other creations with--smooshing them).


Michael's creation, dubbed Deathtron "aka Bob", was sliced with a ruler.




Michael also won a prize ticket for playing Dork Tower. I learned a new board game—and was part of the finals in that game. Our friend John won the finals on that game.

John and I with his prize for winning the final.


And my husband was voted (unanimously) Best Role Player in the one of the Role Playing games he played. We relaxed, ate food both good and bad for us, and enjoyed the long weekend. One of my favorite things—one of the organizers for another gaming convention that we usually go to in July told me to not to even think about not going because of the baby—she was like “More than ½ my volunteers are women—we would LOVE to take care of the baby for a few hours while you gamed or slept or whatever!!” So…um…we shall see—I was not going to go this year, but I am a bit more encouraged. (Maybe Willow might be a star attraction!)

Everything went well, except for Michael seeming to be a bit sluggish at the end of the weekend, but we thought maybe the vacation week/birthday/gaming convention excitement and the staying up later etc. was the problem. Or was it his increased dosage of his ADHD medication (?!) or what--but we got home on Sunday---and he totally crashed. He was sick with a low grade temp, but definitely not himself (and some up-chuckage in the night cemented it).

Well, he has been sick for the last couple days, and today the doctor says he has an upper respitory infection and cannot go to school tomorrow either. Not only missing going back to school after winter break, but also causing the usual 2 working parents (who stays with the sick-kid) chaos. I stayed home with him on Monday and husband stayed home today (and took him to the doc). Luckily we can both work remotely—unfortunately, that only works to limited success. Despite everything, I am actually proud how we handle these types of things. We have it down to a science. I am also lucky I have a pretty sympathetic boss and both of us are even able to bring Michael into work on those occasions that we really NEED to be in (like for a school holiday we don’t get off, etc.).

Our household is pretty well divided in the parenting department---I would say it’s sometimes 70/30 (me taking the 70%) but husband does more than his share a lot of the time, and he often sacrifices more than a lot of fathers have in the past. (Now when it comes to the domestic chores, etc. well, that doesn’t work so well—hence our maid service).

Adding to the chaos is a re-scheduled IEP meeting tomorrow (at 2 p.m.—not very convenient for a working parent). Not to mention the school work brought home today...

and then there was the ultrasound this morning.

The ultrasound went well (when I can get off the laptop and onto the computer, I will scan the pics). Technician couldn’t 100% confirm it’s a girl (her legs were closed)but she was pretty certain and its unlikely that the earlier conclusion was wrong—so, I am going to stick with her being Willow. (Despite the fact that every so often that, after being asked for the sex and me telling them, people say--well, are you sure, cuz you never know for CERTAIN--yeah, thanks for that).

These are different views of her face, sometimes with her hand in front of her mouth.




I saw her heart beating, which very amazing as I could see the four chambers and everything. I saw her tiny feet, I saw her arms and hands waving about. The tech was really helpful and pointed out that she has some hair on her head already. Also saw her stomach (like I could really tell—but the tech pointed it out). I saw her thigh bone, her head, etc. I got some nice ultrasounds of her face. At one point she had her hand up to her mouth--probably sucking her hand. At another point she looked as though she was smiling. She measured a little over 3 lbs., in the 38% range, which is totally normal. Her head was pointed down, her feet near my navel—so I definitely can say she is kicking me when I feel those bumps! She did not like being poked...and mommy did not either--an hour later, it still kinda hurt.

UPDATE: I was home again today with Michael, but he is starting to seem more normal. Hopefully a good night's sleep tonight will get him to be feeling good enough for school tomorrow. It is so hard when your son is not acting his normal self. It reminds me of all the other times he has been sick, and you just worry so much. Luckily, this time it wasn't too bad, but it is so nice to see him being so much more "Michael". :-)

Husband went to the IEP meeting yesterday, since this was the annual review it was not too complicated. Again we hear our son is brilliant (!) and a pleasure to work with (except not with his teacher, who we think is just not really in sync with him) and we hear that he is making progress, especially in his frustration issues and keeping on task. Recommendations for having him given a laptop for 4th grade (one of his issues is that he takes a long time to write things--he is perfectionist to the point of taking longer than others) and the hope is that if he can type out his papers he will be quicker. I guess some of those computer games that we have for him to learn the keyboard are going to be pulled out this summer...Luckily dad is a computer geek and Michael is pretty comfortable with computers.

Nine

Nine years ago I was in the hospital, doped up on morphine drip, occasionally breastfeeding my son who had been born at 1:23 a.m.

In a little over Nine weeks from today, I will hopefully be repeating this experience with my daughter.

OB Appointment and Nursery Progress III

Appointment went well. We talked about the scheduled C-Section and two weeks from now I will have my check up with the Dr. in the practice who will be performing the surgery. Its sometime the week of April 21st--hopefully by my next check up I will have a firm date. One of the other things I discussed with them is having another Ultrasound--I was curious if I was going to have one (being an IF Ultrasound junkie and all--its been since 18 weeks!!--I need a fix!!). The Nurse Practitioner who saw me said they actually don't do anymore ultrasounds--except if there is a problem. And as she said this (and I explained my small anxiety about not having an ultrasound), she said "Gee, I can't really tell how big she is..." [wink wink] (She really winked!) So, we have a [legit] reason for an ultrasound next Tuesday! SQUEEE! Funny, because when she explained it to me, I was all set for dealing with no more ultrasounds--and then she let me squeek on by... :-)

Here are some photos of the Nursery. It still needs a few things (like, oh, CURTAINS) but otherwise, its pretty much set. We have a friend's computer that my husband is fixing stored there right now (I tried not to get photos of it, but its there peeking out) and Ana is still finishing details on the mural (so her paints are still there too). Once I got the finishing touches in and the garbage out--I will take some final pictures of the WHOLE room.



On the shelf: A bear from a friend; and Elmo Bank and small gumball machine given by Michael; a temperature gauge (Peter Rabbit) from Michael's baby stuff;a Valentine's Day Card from my husband to Willow (saying extremely touching words about even though she is not here yet he loves her--I am keeping that FOREVER).
Left over baby books from Michael and and a few soft books I just bought.










The Rainforest Bouncer--that's from Valerie @ Adventures in Parenting (THANK YOU!)




Inside this are tons of clothes. On top--Ana's paints...


Michael picked this toy out for Willow.


This is the toy I bought for her.

B-Day Party

Michael's party was yesterday and was great fun. We had 90% attendance and while exhausting for the adults, I think everyone had a great time.
Below are some pictures...

The birthday cake. Chocolate cake with chocolate fudge on inside. (Picture of a Wii Game System on the cake)



My attempt at video remote control sugar cookies.



We had two Wii's set up. One in the kitchen. In the background you can see we had our living room coffee table moved with Make your Own Mii's (cloth figures that they could make to take home).





One in the living room...





We had pizza and fruit and cake and cookies.



Michael blowing out the candles.



The kids got to play bowling, tennis, carnival games, and Ram*page (which seemed to be a hit with the BOYS).

Hardly any meltdowns, and with the 2 systems and many controllers, most everyone was able to play at the same time.

And for once, I had hardly any food left over--except my husband ordered the cake and its HUGE!!

Michael with unrelated Update

My feelings for you I cannot describe. My words fail to encompass the wholeness I feel when I watch you sleep or concentrate on a book or writing a journal entry or play board games.

Words cannot describe you my son, but I will try.

You are funny even when you are not;
you are intelligent, sometimes too much for your own good;
you are squirmy, especially when being tickled or hugged;
you are irreverent, you are cute, lovable, impish, frustrating and lively;
you are becoming someone I am proud of;
you are my everything;
you are why I wished for another one;
you are my first
you are my son.

I love you more than I can ever be able to tell!!

Happy Birthday, Kiddo!

(2/21/08)

Update: Just wanted to point out a great post by Leah. She talks about the many feelings/fears that a lot of secondary infertiles have once we do get that BFP.

Hormonal Pregnant Woman OutBurst # 2 – Or Leggo My Eggo, Dammit!

Husband is in charge of getting Michael to school in the morning. Which means he also has to do breakfast. To help him (and save myself the mess when I get home) Michael usually has his choice of oatmeal or some type of frozen Waffle/Pancake/Toaster Sticks. Usually the Lego Eggos or Mini Pancakes. Sometimes I get him the really bad stuff—cinnamon buns. Something fun, but not too decandent. My husband usually foregoes breakfast (even though it’s the most important meal of the day!)

Since I lost weight and even with the pregnancy, I try not to have pancakes/waffles, etc. as they are too many carbs. But, occasionally I will have some. About a month ago I got a craving for Eggo Blueberry Waffles. I bought a box, and had some while we were watching a movie (Notes on a Scandal---great movie). I remember telling my husband how much this was unlike me, but I really was craving them.

So, last week, I bought another box of them. I had another craving for them. Had 2 for breakfast on the weekend. Michael was with me, and he decided he wanted one too. Not a problem.

Then: this morning, there was a 2 hour snow delay for Michael’s school. Since everyone got a little extra (really needed) sleep, I figured I would be slow in leaving for work. While I did the morning routines, in my mind I could picture two wonderful blueberry waffles slathered with butter and (sugar free) syrup. My mouth watered. I was looking forward to them.

I came down. And the box was not in the freezer. And, crying, I asked where my blueberry waffles were. (You guessed it, despite there being PLENTY of alternatives—my HUSBAND and son ate them). My husband assumed they were not mine, even after I reminded him of the Notes on the Scandal incident (which he claims to not remember).

They were gone. ☹ Only the lingering of their smell in the air. And me crying, because I so craved them….

LEGGO MY EGGOS!!!

Musings on the Second Time Around...

Gearing up for Michael’s 9th birthday party (I am crazy again—we are going to do it at our home---Wii themed party), got me to thinking about the many differences and similarities there have been between when I was pregnant with Michael and now.

The most obvious difference is the fact that I was nine years younger, totally naïve and innocent. I was definitely the stereotype of the first time pregnant woman/mother. I did not know what in the hell I was doing. I took for granted the fact that we got pregnant and that it would “stick”.

We decided to have a family after 5 years of marriage. It was time. We moved out of our apartment, moved into a home with every intention of having a child within it within a year or two. We moved into our house May 7. By May 31st, I knew I was pregnant. I was excited and scared—but more scared of the pain of labor, of the unknowns of pregnancy, child birth and child rearing. Miscarriage was a vague something. There was no doubt that I would have this child. I had no complications until the last month. Then the worry about viability happened. But only vaguely. I was young, I put my trust in doctors, nurses and my own youth. Everything, despite some tense moments, despite things not going the way my naïve self thought it would, went well. And I came home with my son.

We decided to space our children out. There was never a doubt about having one more. I grew up with a sibling after 8 years. I had been an only child for some time and did not want that for our son. My husband grew up with 2 siblings. We decided two children would be great. We waited until Michael was 3 years old. Then we started. And then we kept trying. Michael was 4 years old. Michael was 5 years old. At first, I just innocently felt that we just did not have the time, were not making the time. Who could blame us? A toddler/pre-schooler running around? Both of us working…yes, that can happen. There was a time when we stopped trying for a few months because both of us were stressing out too much about it. (You know--RELAX and it will happen!--HA!)

Only when Michael turned 6 years old did I finally realize that there was a problem. Only then did we seek outside help. Part of me regrets that we waited so long. Part of the reason we took so long to seek help was that between the time Michael started kindergarten and then 1st grade, I started to question whether all this depression and baby-lust was worth it for me. We had one wonderful son. Maybe that was all we were supposed to have?

Once we found out the problem, we did what we always do—read up on the topic. We read about IVF/ICSI. We read about adoption. We went to an adoption seminar. We sent in the paperwork for the cycle. I went on line and found the IF community that I did not even perceive before. We got our education in infertility.

My pregnancy now. It’s a wonder to me, and yet not for the “normal” reasons. Pregnancy when I now know that there are people who struggle for many years and through many more trails than we had to go through. Pregnancy after all that work and pain and suffering. I am proud of myself and my family! To be pregnant the “natural” way---heck, lots of people do that. But, we worked for this, dammit! We REALLY want this child! We deserve it!

This pregnancy I am more alert of the dangers. Anxiety, especially the first two trimesters, gripped me. Every little sign I could take and twist it to mean I was going to lose this precious, hard won child. Even now, part of me doesn’t want to believe that finally, finally we will have another child. That Michael will have a sister. My husband and I will have a daughter. It seems so unreal. And I am acutely aware of how lucky we are.

I skimmed “What to Expect when your Expecting”. I knew about the “easy” stuff. How about dealing with miscarriage and being an older woman having a child? What about dealing with siblings and your older child? Finding literature about secondary infertility was a joke. Finding out books that would explain to my 8 year old about what was going on without patronizing him because they were made for toddlers—few and far between.

And dealing with the look on people’s faces when I tell them I am expecting my second child and they ask how old my other one is. “He’ll be nine years old.” I say. And they look at me as if I have two heads—and mutter “Pretty far apart, huh?” or something similar. Sometimes I proudly say “Yes, but we have been trying for many years and finally used science to help us on this one.” or say “Yes, but he’ll be such a help with his little sister!”

Or I say nothing. I was once naïve like they are.

Third TriMester All Over Again...

So, here we are. Seven months. The last tri-mester. The big "easy". The time when I start to wish it was all over already. I am not one of those who relish being pregnant. Its not that its been awful...thankfully I have never had morning sickness, etc. Its just that I find it as more a means to an end. I want the child, but don't really care about the experience of pregnancy itself. (Perhaps its because I have done it before--but I recall I wasn't one of those "into" being pregnant then either--although I was a bit more naive and excited instead of anxiety ridden like this time.) Its all wonderful until you are totally uncomfortable and can't breathe and are scared to death and....okay, so the point being--I am ready for ya, Willow! (And you might notice, mommy ain't the most patient person, so lets get these three months done already).

Today I had my last monthly OB appointment. Everything checking out, heard the heartbeat (140-150). According to them I have gained 15 lbs. so far (by my count its 20 lbs., but I will go with them). So, from here on in, they want me to watch it--which, during the third trimester, should be interesting...I will be happy if I get out of this gaining only 25 lbs. (1/2 of what I gained with Michael).

My blood sugar is fine, my pregnancy hypertension watch has turned up negative so far, and everything is on track.

So, of course, there has to be some type of complication.

Luckily, this one is minor--but still...it can't be just "easy". I talked to my OB about when were we going to schedule my C-Section/Tubal Ligation. My EDD is April 27th. The week of the 21st would normally be when they would schedule the C-Section--but guess what? That is school vacation week. So what, you ask? Well, that means she is taking that off to be with her children and would not be able to do the surgery, and it would have to be one of the other Doctors in the practice (none of which I have met yet). So, my options are: (1) go for the C in week 38, which would involve having an Amnio to check on her lungs (as a precaution) and then the surgery the next day; (2) do it with another doctor or (3) wait until the 28th and hope I don't go into labor before then.

Talking it over with husband, we agree we are going with #2. Its not that I don't like my OB, but I am also not that committed to her. I like the practice, but I have not met with her exclusively since I have been pregnant and since this pregnancy--other than the getting pregnant part--has had no complications, I really don't see any difference in having her or having someone else from the practice (provided I get to meet with them before hand). Considering that during my last pregnancy, my OB was SKIING while I was having major complications and an emergency induction and C-Section (ON my due date--so not like he shouldn't have known), its not like I haven't had this happen before. And frankly, if Michael is not in school that week, it will be easier to take him out of the Vacation Day Camp that he will be going to (less of a distraction/disruption, which, considering my son--that is way important). Not to mention my brother (who will be taking care of Michael while we are at the hospital) is a teacher and probably will have that week off too...its kinda ideal.

So, I guess when I meet with them again (Feb. 20th) I will let them know--the week of April 21st it is.

So, please no other complications, okay, Willow?

Friday Fun - Our Cat

Cute pictures of my kid and my cat:





Gabrielle thinks the crib is her new bed...she can often be found in it. Pictures taken the first time we discovered her in there...

Renewal - Updated

It just struck me today how draining the last four years have been. How my general ability to be a good mother and wife have slowly been ebbed away, to the point that today, I realized I needed to renew my goals and outlook on the way I have been doing things in my life. Not that I have been a bad mother/wife, but slowly but surely many of the things I had prided myself on doing (with my son especially) I just got so tired of doing. So tired because it couldn’t be easy and “normal”.

Of course, things don’t ever come easy to everyone, but it seems we hit two major stumbling blocks in a row and had been trying to deal with them in tandem. It wasn’t just the infertility, which was a major factor, but dealing with issues concerning Michael and his (recently diagnosed) ADHD.

It struck me today that I need to Renew, because last night I think I finally had enough emotionally and mentally. Last night at 3 a.m., I started to obsess over baby–non-movement and over how we were going to get our son to be able to survive grade school. (Baby moved finally and my son will be fine, really, but things just seemed to be so impossible at 3 a.m.)

Today we went to his doctor to discuss how the latest treatment options have worked for Michael and his issues. We were reluctant to medicate, and we are slowly progressing with the doctor through various medications and doses. We have been cautious to make SURE it was ADHD, instead of labeling him right away. Just like we made SURE that we were having problems with our fertility before we tried treatment. Michael started having trouble when he was in kindergarten. His attention would get distracted and he wouldn’t want to stay seated and he would wander away from the classroom—one time exploring the elevator system at school. Yes, cute, even precocious but not “correct” behavior in the school setting. Slowly, slowly, while we pieced together what was going on with him, we were also going through our slow progress of trying to figure out why we weren’t able to have another child.

And we studied and worked and asked questions. We tried one type of solution. Then another. Did Michael need to have more time to do tasks? Did we need more alone time—perhaps dates? Why was Michael not able to relate to other kids? Did he need a sibling? More playdates? More monitoring of my cycles? Were we just bad parents? Bad lovers? Need to lose weight? Need to pay more attention to our son? To the school?

And we did what everyone said “was right”. The school said he should be tested. He was tested. Our doctor said we should go to a clinic. We filled the paperwork out and got tested. Michael was given an IEP (Individualized Education Program) and we were told how extremely smart he is (“Classic ADHD”). We found out we had “Classic Male Infertility” and that we were lucky to have had one child naturally. I was on the verge of being Diabetic if I did not lose weight, so that became a more important hurdle to face.

No wonder I felt like THIS and THIS.

And every time I tried, the harder it seemed to get back up. Every time we tried something, it would meet with only limited success. Lost the weight, no diabetes (Yeah!)---but, still no baby (Boo!). Michael had an IEP, but still had behavioral and attention issues. I found that I couldn’t deal with it. I lost interest in both struggles. I felt defeated. But somehow, and I am sure my husband and my son are the reason—somehow they made me try one more time. Once more. A doctor who diagnosed Michael and required the school to do MORE testing. A doctor who told us that IVF “could” work and we needed to try it. Two cycles of IVF. Two types of medications for ADHD. And we are getting there. Last night I was so worried, but frankly, I can see I just need to Renew.

UPDATE:

I hope I did not sound too depressed or whiney on this post. I was a bit drained yesterday. Being up in the middle of the night stressing and being pregnant (which this time around is even more exhausting for me—probably my age--hmm...actually, just found out I have anemia--taking iron supplements per OB) did not help. It was mainly cathartic to post this tho, and I am glad to be able to.

To end on a positive note:

Two things the Dr. said yesterday—

1) We have been and are on the right track with Michael, and she feels confident that we can help him. (and some of his issues are going to probably go away with maturity--which I can actually tell).

2) Informing her we were pregnant and Michael was going to have a little sister soon—she complimented me on looking so good (esp. for being on the cusp of third trimester).

I’ll take those as being signs to keep going and doing what we’ve been doing!

Book Tour: Jane Austen Book Club

For this month's Book Brigade we read The Jane Austen Book Club.

I liked the book, but I felt that there was more story there that needed to be explored, and while I liked most of the characters, I found myself wanting to know more of the back stories involved in making their character. All in all, I enjoyed the book, but was left feeling like I had only finished Part 1. The following are my answers to book club questions.


Which character in the Jane Austen Book Club did you most relate to? And what is your favorite Jane Austen novel and why?

I could really identify with Grigg, as my husband and I are science fiction geeks and we travel and go to conventions every year. I also felt like I could understand his “outsider” status very well, in a broad sense – the feeling of alienation and being outside the “norm” since junior high school. I was a tomboy and a geek, and I was always told to “act” more feminine, similar to Grigg's problems fitting in as male. In a more specific sense, I related to Grigg because of how "society" (his mother, father and sisters) was always trying to make him "right/normal". Being a woman dealing with Secondary Infertility in a Fertile World, I have come across many parts of society that does not know how to deal with infertility without trying to make it fit into the general societal model. I especially liked how Grigg ended up ignoring everyone to just be himself, no matter what that meant.

I have not read that many Jane Austen novels, although of the ones I have read, I would say "Pride and Predjudice". Mostly because I can relate to Elizabeth Bennett as the very headstrong woman (and I had a crush on Sir Laurence Olivier's Darcy--and then Colin Firth!). I like romantic comedies, and this is one of the classic ones.


When Corinne stole Allegra's stories, she both lied by omission as well as stole pieces of Allegra. Do you believe Allegra was more upset about the lie or the fact that someone stole her stories?

I think she was more upset that Corinne had stolen her stories, as she considered the stories to a part of herself that she gave to Corinne. It was an intimate and personal thing for her and for Corinne to then "share" those stories in such an open and impersonal medium...hurt her deeply. I am unsure why Allegra went back to Corinne, as Allegra showed often enough that she was stronger than that (although wanting attention--maybe that is why she went back to her?)


In one part of the book, Jocelyn and Sylvia were discussing happiness. One of them said that "Happiness in marriage is mostly luck..." What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you think that our happiness in life is mostly luck? Do we have some control over how happy we are?

I think that luck is a way for people to have some control over their perception of happiness. In other words, if things are not going well, people will say its just "bad luck" or "not fair" and when they have good things happen, its "good luck". Luck has little to do with true happiness. Everyone is given the life they are given. What they do with that life and the decisions they make, produce that happiness. One of the worst things we can do (and I do it too) is to compare one's happiness to another's. Some of the issues that bother women so much are ones in which we are comparing each others happiness (i.e. working mother vs. stay at home mother; infertile vs. fertile, etc.). While life is not always happy, I believe that most people can make their life worth living with a positive attitude about the life they have. "Luck" and "happiness" is what you make of it.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

I've Been Tagged...

Sara has tagged me to list 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about myself, and I must follow these rules.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!


1. I have a Formaldehyde embalming bottle displayed amongst my pictures and other nick nacks on a bookshelf in my living room. I bought the bottle at a really cool store called "Warped Antiques" (unfortunately no longer in business). My husband and I were so excited to find a place with all sorts of weird things--shrunken heads, photos from who knows, various keys, skeletons, etc. Too bad the place is gone.

2. We have had Dwarf Siberian Hamsters (Sylvester and Tweety), we have had mice (Snowki, Cookie, Cinnamon), we have had chinchillas (Claudius, Leeloo and Delenn), 2 turtles (Congo, Scaredy), and a cat (Gabrielle). At the moment we are to our lowest level of animal habitation--Congo and Gabrielle. I think we want to get an iguana next time--but have to wait until Willow is old enough for that to be safe....(always wanted a snake too...)

3. Fridays are family gaming nights--in most families that would be Monopoly, Life, Scrabble---in our family it is more likely to be Munchkin Cthulhu.

4. I have a stash of chewing gum in my office, because otherwise i would chew my pens/pencils to bits. I bite my finger nails (not so much as I used to, really!) especially if I am bored.

5. When I was 8 or 9 years old, I nearly got my eye poked out by a chain link fence. The neighborhood kids had squashed down the chain link fence at a certain part, and we used the metal bar at the top as a monkey bar, flipping over on it, etc. I was with a group of kids, and I flipped over and fell down, my left eye caught a piece of metal from the squashed chain link fence. For a while, I wore an eyepatch. And less then a year later, I had glasses (and braces were added--yep, I was pretty much pummeled every day). When I go to an eye doctor, every time they say "Did you have an eye injury?" because they can see the scar tissue on my eye. (Luckily, I can't!)

6. My husband and I (and now our son) often quote Monty Python, Star Trek, MST3K, Spongebob, Futurama, (add Geeky/Science Fiction show here) in everyday conversation.


Okay, I tag JJ, Swimmy Swim's Soon to be Mom, and Leah.

Things Done, Things to Do, Excitement, Anxiety and Guilt - UPDATED

Warning: As the title suggests – rambling post!

Sometimes 3 months is an eternity and sometimes it is too short. Sometimes I feel we have made progress and sometimes I wearily look at my “To Do” list and realize that there is still more to do.

Significant things have been done – we now have a good part of the nursery done—its merely clean up type items. We have gotten DAYCARE set up (aside from signing the contract next week). We have a lot of clothes for the first month or two. We have started the process of getting Michael “ready” for a sibling. We already took a quickie tour of L&D. One of the most important things was done today—THE TALK with the boss over leave time. I think we worked out a very fair leave time (with PAY, which was my main sticking point). It won’t be as much time as I had with Michael, but those were different circumstances (I was laid off because of a merger, I took all my vacation time because I knew of impending merger, etc.).

Amongst the not done listing - need to call the other provider we decided to not take (I hate saying no, and we liked her—but…there had to be a second choice!). We still need to get a travel system (car seat/stroller) and other small things (diapers, crib mattress pad, bath lotion, etc.). Things that can be gotten after the fact (except the Car Seat of course!), things I remember in the middle of the night…(and go “did we really need/use that the last time?”) I have the baby registry up—but so far, I am the only one buying things on it---(I got a gift card from work for the holidays!).

We still have the classes coming up, but not until March/April (!) We signed Michael up for a Siblings Class. I worry that since he is going to be 9 (!) he may be the oldest one there. I wonder how much it will help—I suppose every little bit helps. The boy is a sponge with knowledge, so I hope he learns something useful. Signed us up for a refresher class, despite the fact that we are going to be doing a scheduled C-Section, because, frankly, you never know. OB hasn’t told me when the scheduled C-Section is going to be—maybe next appointment…

And, aside from all the material things, there are the emotional things to deal with.

The other night, husband said he was “excited” about Willow and couldn’t wait. And I felt that excitement too. Then I felt anxiety. I worry that I will get preeclampsia again. I worry that I will have a complication. I worry when the baby doesn’t move. Sometimes I can call her Willow. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to hope. This is definitely not like when I was pregnant with Michael. I mean, I had anxiety (esp. when he did not move) but mostly, it took so much to get to this point this time that I can’t help but worry that something will go wrong. And then I read other blogs where it has. And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that it only took 2 IVF’s for us to get here. I feel guilty for posting all this stuff about progess towards a goal so many people are still struggling to achieve. I feel guilty for already having a child.

Oh, and I have other anxieties too—will Michael be able to deal with this HUGE life change? Will we be able to deal with a newborn and a kid with ADHD? Will we have some type of structure for everyone? What about going into surgery again? (I had an emergency C-Section after 14 hours labor last time--boy was that FUN!) And what about the cat!?!? (Okay, okay---Gabby will be fine)

So, I guess, I am saying---life is good, crazy, and scary. I should be thankful more often, guilty less so and I should chill out.

Okay. I will put that on my list.

UPDATE:
Thank you all for such supportive comments! I tend to be the supportive one in my family, and sometimes its nice to be the one receiving the encouragement! As for the inquiries on my registry--first off, thank you so very much; second off, I am registered at Amazon.com; third off, if you are registered please let me know where too (not only do I want to reciprocate, but also its FUN to see what other people are getting--sometimes I get some new ideas!).

UPDATE THE SECOND: Just after I checked the registry out again, I realized that my work just bought me something (its a sort of surprise, however, they did ask me what I would want) and it looks like I at least will be able to bring Willow home in style

Nursery Progress II - Mural Progress - Updated

Our friend Ana came over today and started on the mural. It was amazing to watch how quickly it took shape. Huge progress was made today!


She started by making the sky (with her hands).


With sky and ground.



First animal. (CUTE!)



Monkey, lion. Onto elephant and giraffe...


More detail...


The mural so far...


Ana with the mural.



And while she was doing the mural, she gave Michael a project - paint initials for the bedroom doors (he picked out the colors).


UPDATE: If you would like to send suggestions on things that could be "hidden" in the grass of the mural, please see Ana's blog...

Nursery Progress

Over the holiday week, we finished painting and assembled the crib. Below are some pics. I am waiting for some nursery decor and then will update with a more finished look...

The nursery decor will be safari related. Our friend will be painting a mural on the wall opposite from the crib (which will be in the corner). Bought the crib mattress last week.


Painting done, tape not removed.

Considering I did most of the painting, its not a bad job. Did some touch up, need to touch up a few places that got green (and should be white). Otherwise, its all good to go.



Our friend J. and my husband assembled the crib. The instructions are glued onto the mattress bottom. Which is good that you can't lose them, but try to assemble it with the instructions stuck on the pieces!


This a convertible crib (which can be turned into a daybed, toddler bed and full sized bed). Between the railings you can see the little lion nightlight we bought.

Mixed Messages

Went to my OB's office yesterday for monthly check up (only have one more monthly check up, then its every 2 weeks).  I was a little worried, as I have gained some weight (7 lbs.) since last appointment.  Last time I had went, my OB was happy that I had maintained and everything was great.  But this was the same person who made me feel like crap the first time I met her.  So, I wasn't looking forward to it.  BUT I did not meet with her.  I met with the NP, who was the person I had my initial appointment with.  And she is totally cool and handled my concerns on my gain with such positive comments ("Who hasn't gained weight during the holidays!"  "...you're doing your best...").  And this was the way she had been during my first appointment with her.  It was like night and day, and made me realize that I have to sometimes just go by my own instincts.  I explained to her that I was hoping to only gain half of what I gained with Michael (not the 15 lbs. only that OB is pushing for) and she was fine with this plan (and mentioned that "...Dr. ______ is really strict on weight...") and encouraged me to try my best.  It was refreshing to get that from someone professional.   

The rest of the appointment was uneventful---she had trouble finding the heartbeat (my own heart stopped for a few seconds), but that was mainly because Willow was moving around a lot. Heart beat was found and it was strong.  Next up, I have another Glucose Test and blood work....next appointment Feb. 4th.  (I miss getting Ultrasounds!)

P.S. Tracking my weight on What to Expect When Your Expecting website---I am within the normal range...

The Ketchup Incident

Okay, my hormones are very tricky.   When I figured they would be in overdrive--like when I was on the fertility drugs--I was pretty calm.  Being pregnant, I figured - "Hey, I have rode this rollercoaster before and (other than wicked PostPartum Depression) I was cool--should be an easy ride."  (Note, I have not consulted my other half to find out if I was indeed a hormonal pregnant woman last time around--what does he know, right?!?) 

I think those hormones were just waiting around during the IVF follies, and now they are raring to go!  For example:

I bought 2 bottles of Heinz One Carb ketchup last week. I am the only one who uses this ketchup--I actually like it, and it makes me feel like I am not using useless carbs/sugars. I put one in the fridge. (I mention the specialness of the ketchup, because, damn it...I really should have been upset with what happen next...I mean, its MY somewhat more expensive ketchup...right!?!) Last weekend I took out my lunch from the fridge, and the ketchup fell out and BURST open (the plastic completely and utterly cracked open). Ketchup was everywhere. I mean, it looked like a crime scene. And, in front of my husband and 8 year old son, I totally utterly lost it.   I was crying like my best friend had died.  I just could not stopping crying--and I mean the type of crying where you can't catch a breath!  Over ketchup!!! 

Looking back--it was funny.  Really.   

Notes on Christmas 2007

Christmas Eve: Was taken out to my favorite Japanese Steakhouse, requested extra fried rice (really too much!--I have left overs to prove it). Came home, opened presents, Michael wore the Santa Hat and passed them out. Had a few presents that were addressed to Willow (already!). Then my bro and his fiancee came over and we had Birthday Cake a day early. CHOCOLATE! YUM!

Then the real fun began---my son woke up at quarter to midnight to make SURE that everyone went to bed before Santa came. And he then came in our bed. He was literally shaking from head to toe with anticipation and excitement. The next 4 hours I stayed up with him. He just could not get to sleep. Every so often he went to one of the upstairs windows to check if the special oats he had thrown out for the reindeer was gone. I tried everything (apart from bringing him downstairs where "Santa" had already came). It was SO CUTE. Only at 3:30 a.m. did I start to lose it and mutter "really, now, this is getting f--ing ridculous...we both need to sleep!" (Oh, and hubby can sleep through ANYTHING---and he did...) Finally, Michael asked me to check to see if Santa had eaten his cookies (luckily we had)....and yes, I checked and around 4 a.m. my son and I finally fell asleep (getting back up at 7 a.m.). It was cute, it was annoying, it was heartbreaking, it was exhausting and it was WONDERFUL. The highlight of my Christmas.

After that, everything else was a blur. Michael got all he wanted and more, I got a GPS for my birthday (I wanted a massage--I guess this is better!). And Willow was thought about (and she made her presence known every so often).

Holiday Greetings and Thoughts

Another year older (literally) and I cannot say whether I am wiser, but I do feel happier. This year has had an unusual share of ups and downs. At the beginning of the year, I was lamenting my son getting older and our lack of giving him a sibling was looming ever larger. At the beginning of the year, I had lost 50 lbs. and was on my way to being healthier. At the beginning of the year, I had no idea what "IVF" stood for. I had never heard of GonalF Pens, or "PIO". But I soon would learn a LOT about them. In the middle of the year, I thought all was lost on the IVF front. By the fall, I was astounded (and a little bit cautious) with my good fortune. The end of this year has brought me something I did not think was possible at the end of last year. And I am so thankful!!

I am particularly thankful for my husband and son for being with me and helping me through this year. And for the Bloggers out there, from which I learned a whole lot...not just about the specifics of fertility treatments, but about the courage and persistence that it takes to go down this path. I wish for everyone a great coming year!


Christmas Songs for the Athiest

Braces Bunch Alert!!

Jeannine at I Think We Made A Nugget is in the hospital on bed-rest (2 weeks plus already). Send her something to amuse her, either via internet (she has a laptop) or via snail mail!

Having been on bedrest before, I can't tell you how much it would have meant to get something to distract me!

AND:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all the Braces Bunches out there!!

Things To Do During a Snow Storm...

Well, not used to New England getting two snowstorms in a row (makes me think of my younger years in Michigan). But, at least today, we could do things indoors without much trouble...for one, I added the Braces Bunch to my blog roll...


Like play videogames...and boardgames...and some Wii games....


Eat chocolate cake...sorry, it was too good, too quickly eaten for a picture...


Watch classic Holiday Fare...Note the letter from Santa Claus Michael received in the mail (from the NORTH POLE) on Friday...he was in such wonder and held the letter all that night...


Finish (FINALLY) the last wave of holiday cards...

But, by far, my favorite thing we did today...

Start painting the Nursery...(I did not have masking tape, so this was just a start--Michael had fun painting "W"s on the walls (for Willow). The color is "Willow Leaf".


I don't know if you can tell, but our friend Ana started the mural--she outlined it in chalk...you can kinda see the giraffe and the elephant... (if you click on the above image, its a bit more clearer)


The crib is for X-Mas week...


Oh, and I guess...shovel snow!

Book Tour - Handmaids Tale

Margaret Atwood is one of my favorite author's and "The Handmaid's Tale" is one of my favorite books, so when the Barren Bitches Book Brigade decided to "tour" this book, I could not resist. I first read this book in college. I have a copy and thumb through it now and again, but this was the first time in about 2 years that I had actually read it cover to cover. And it was the first time I had read it while dealing with infertility. It was amazing to see how I had sympathy for not only Offred but also Serena, which was something I had not had before. As usual, it was a book I could not put down, as usual, I found parallells in this society. I also highly recommend the movie made some time ago with Robert Duval, Fay Dunaway and Natasha Richardson.

Below are questions and my answers from the book tour:

Question: Aunt Lydia describes the handmaids as "a transitionalgeneration," that has the especially difficult job of normalizing the new fertility practices(chapter 20.) Do you think that infertile women today can be called a transitional generation? If so, in what ways were things different before, and how do you think things might be different after?

Yes, I do believe this is the transitional generation of infertiles.

Scientifically, it is definitely a transitional period. Since the 1970s the reproductive sciences have explored the many ways to help infertiles, with often mixed results. Even today, scientists are just now understanding what makes a viable embryo and what limits there are to manipulating eggs and sperm. Techniques that were used 10 – 15 years ago are being rapidly replaced with new protocols and medications that have helped to increase success rates. And yet, there are still many questions left to answer. We joke that it is a lottery, but in many ways, it is.

Socially and economically it is a transitional period. The fact that many states do not cover fertility treatments in their health care coverage causes fertility treatments to be too expensive for many infertiles. The ones who can afford treatment are often looked upon in society as people who have “chosen” to do something for their infertility which is “foolish” or “extravagant” and often chided for not “just adopting”. This lack of understanding of the process of fertility treatments versus adoption, etc. is in a transitional state as well, as more and more infertiles are sharing their stories. I do think that the internet and other media are helping to change people’s attitude towards the infertile world. I do think that health care reform will cause many of the procedures to be covered. I think that sharing our voices in this cause will make a difference to the next generation.


Question: One major theme through this book is the role that religion plays in the new society's "quest for babies" (arguably, it's a very sinister role, but a role nonetheless). In fertility treatments, you often hear of the religion playing a role in the lives of the men and women who undergo treatments – some won't reduce as it's against their views, some won't undergo certain types of treatments, and others separate their views on religion from their views on the science of fertility treatments and options. What role did/does religion play or not play in your fertility treatments or child-rearing choices?

I feel that the book really showed the dangers of a theocracy (and why I don’t believe in organized religion). Their agenda was forced onto society and there was no “choice” for the men and women in that society. Forcing an ideal, whether its “moral” or “ethical” on another person is choking and suffocating to not only the individual but the society as a whole. And it eventually will breakdown that society.



For me, the moral and ethical issues with fertility treatments were not as important as the logistics and economics of the options we had. But my experience is different from anyone else, and because of that, I do not feel that my choices should be the only ones out there.

Being a secondary infertile, there is the guilt of already having something that many do not---a healthy child. We did debate about whether we “really” wanted another child. However, given our family dynamics we felt a sibling was definitely something we wanted and needed. And we had decided that no matter what, we were going to have another one, whether by adoption or treatment. Fertility treatments are covered in my state (IVF for 3 cycles). Adoption is not. It came down to the economics. Morally, I would have had no problem with adopting. Morally, I would have no problem with egg donation/sperm donation. I believe that what ever it takes to make a family, that is what you do.

As for child-rearing and religion, I feel that people have moral compasses whether or not they have religion. Teach your child the golden rule “treat others as you wish to be treated”.


Question: On pg. 70, Offred is discussing her past studies of psychology and at this time she mentions a study done on three pigeons trained to peck at buttons for grain. She states: Three groups of them: the first got one grain per peck, the second one grain every other peck, the third was random. When the man in charge cut off the grain, the first group gave up quite soon, the second group a little later. The third group never gave up. They'd peck themselves to death rather than quit. While reading these lines, I could not help but identify with the third group of pigeons. Sadly, I think I've come to a point where I will never give up, even if it means death before success. How about you? Do you identify with one of these groups? What do you think Atwood's intention was in including this bit of information?

I identify with the second group. We went into fertility treatments feeling like we needed to try this solution first, but if we tried the three cycles and it did not work, I think we would have started to explore other options, such as adoption. We had already started filling out the forms to be foster-to-adopt. I take the analogy as saying that the third group would never give up to the point of losing the actual goal, and Atwood’s use of it to show the desperation and hopelessness of the society’s goals in general and the Handmaids and Wives goals in specific.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Handmaid's Tale? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #9 (The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

20 Weeks...Reflections

I thought I would celebrate the half-way point by writing down my reflections from almost nine years ago. I found a partially completed Pregnancy Calendar from when I was pregnant with Michael. Since I have been writing about this pregnancy here on the blog, I thought it would be a good thing to remember when my earlier pregnancy was such an innocent venture...

Here are some entries:

Week 7 (7-10-98): "Went to my first exam today. Liked the doctor. He made me feel comfortable and made me laugh. Saw an ultrasound of the baby. So SMALL!! Got to keep a picture - brought to McDonald's and to [husband]'s work."

Week 12 (8-11-98): [Husband] and I heard the hearbeat for the first time!! Very fun!! [Husband] was so nervous, he kept figeting. I am just happy to finally hear the baby!

Week 17+ (9-20-98): Things have been going well. I have gained 5 pounds and I feel "more" pregnant. We have started buying stuff for "el Twerpo". Both [husband] and I can not wait! Today I have been mostly by myself. I am getting a little anxious and overwhelmed about all the things that have to be done.... Most of our time is spent with everyday things. It is only when you slow doen do you realize the task ahead is so major!

Week 20+ (10-11-98): Bought a crib and dressing table from Sears yeaterday. Very excited!! I am getting anxious to meet "el Twerpo" and want to get nursery all in order. I think this is the nesting instinct in motion!

Week 25 (11-9-98): Things are starting to seem more real. I can feel "el Twerpo" move! It feels like pop corn popping in my stomach. Sometimes it tickles, and I smile or chuckle because of it. I really can't wait to meet the new person who is growing inside me. [Husband] and I are very very excited and anxious for the baby!

Week 25+ (11-12-98): Found out through ultrasound that the baby is a boy! I am so grateful! I so wanted a son and I am so happy that everything is going so well! I thought that knowing the sex would take something away -- actually it has given me a chance to get to know Michael before he even arrives!!

Week 30 (12-16-98): Michael keeps kicking pretty hard although not as often as before. We are getting closer to deciding on a daycare. Also, anticipating going to Michigan. Bought some nice tops last week and think that I look pretty nice in them indeed! [Husband] felt Michael kicking last night. Thought that my stomach popped up like this: [drawing of a bump]!! Both of us can't wait to meet him!!

Week 32 (12-30-98): We have been visiting with family in Michigan. I have had sinuitus and a cold for over 2 weeks. It is making me feel miserable, especially since I cannot take any strong medications. I think being sick is making me a bit depressed and more anxious about the whole birth thing -- ultimately you are alone in your suffering..."

After that--no more entries. I actually ended up with bronchitus. Then pre-clampsia and pregnancy hypertension. Two weeks bed-rest and induction, full labor without medication--12+ hours that ended with an emergency C-Section.

And it was so damned worth it!!!!

Love you Michael!!

Can't wait for you, Willow!!

Things About Me - 90 - 100

Finally, the final ten, which will be randomness (and I mean Random). It actually is hard to come up with 100 things that can be shared on the internet.

91. Famous person I have met: Rita Moreno (my friend met her on a bus when Ms. Moreno was doing a play at our university campus). We got backstage passes, and I have several pictures of me and my friend with Rita Moreno (in stage make-up--so its kinda scary looking).

92. Another famous person I have met: Bert Convy. I was like 4 years old. My dad played in the symphony, and Bert Convy was a guest singer.

93. I love the theatre, especially musicals. My first memory is going to "Annie" (I was again probably 4 years old). We were WAY up in the balcony area. I remember being quite bored, actually. One of my favorite memories is when my Grammie took me to see a high school production of Carousel. It was just me and her, I was in junior high school. I felt very adult. And then, my future husband used my then obsession with "Phantom of the Opera" to talk to me and used it as an excuse to come to my dorm for the first time (to borrow the CDs).

94. Christmas albums on my I-Pod: Christmas Portrait - The Carpenters; Charlie Brown Christmas - Vince Guaraldi; and The Muppets Christmas with John Denver. Also, "Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC.

95. Two Birthday's ago, my husband gave me a new wedding ring--on a severed finger (it was a fake finger). Boy, does he know me!!! (My son kept the finger--I kept the ring). Last year, the ring got caught in the copier at work---wow, almost a real severed finger! Ring repaired, work paid for it--and I have all my digits...

96. I miss our chinchillas! They were so cute and fluffy! It has been a weird feeling to clean out "their" room out for the nursery. I am excited to be making a nursery, but every so often, I go upstairs to let the Chins out or to feed them...and then I look into the now almost empty room... I guess the room and I are at the in-between stage right now...

97. The first night of Hannukah was a success. We made edible dreidals (toothpick or pretzel rod; large marshmallow; hersheys kiss; icing to write the symbols), had latkes, and played the dreidal game. It was fun and Michael helped to make the latkes (not from scratch).

98. Magazines I/we subscribe to: Entertainment Weekly; National Geographic; National Geographic Kids; The New Yorker; Woman's Day; some computer gamer magazines (they keep changing their names!).

99. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar and piano. I am also toying with joining a singing group--just like a glee club or something...I think the guitar lessons are more obtainable... (I know how to play clarinet and can play a few tunes on a piano).

100. Things I am thinking of accomplishing during maternity leave: re-arrange the cabinets in the kitchen; clean out and re-arrange the basement; organize and sort through my scrapbooking stuff;
organize my filing/bills; meet up with a mother support group---yeah, right....well, we shall see how many of those things get done....


To see the others, go here, here, here, and here, and here, and still more, almost done, and here, and finally here.

How cool is this?

My first clothing buy for Willow:




Okay, Okay...that was really the second clothing buy...this was the first:





Yep, that's showing my sick AND my sweet side...

It's a GIRL!!!

We went to the U/S today, taking Michael with us. We had the technician tell Michael and he told me (although he wants to withhold telling dad until tonight--shh...dad already kinda figured it out). We could kinda tell from his look when the tech whispered it to him--that somewhat disappointed look, but yet okay look. When he took me into the hallway to tell me, he said "its a girl". And I asked him if he was okay with that. And he said he was...he's been switching between calling it a girl and calling it a boy for some time now, so while I know he wanted a brother, he is not upset with a sister. (Its still kinda intangible to him yet)

SO, our baby is a girl, her name will be Willow Leone ("Lee-own").

The rest of the ultrasound was very long and drawn out (Michael started getting bored). They were checking out all the vitals, brain, kidneys, etc. Michael at first was very interested in the mechanics of it all, even telling the technician to make sure to look at the bladder, etc. But the baby--SHE, was moving around a LOT and they had to keep me moving to different sides, etc. to get all the measurements they wanted. The end result -- everything is fine and dandy!

Michael has the ultrasound pictures (his teacher said he could bring them into school), so I will post them later.

Thankfulness

I have a lot to be thankful for (my health, my son, my husband, a roof over my head, etc.), but I needed to write down the things that I am most thankful for this year especially.

1. Medical science and the clinic that helped me and my husband achieve our goal. They were always so courteous and helpful, always willing to inform us when we asked our many many questions. Especially the bloodwork ladies who gently poked me many many times with many many needles.

2. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts for their policy of covering IVF and other infertility treatments. I am so thankful that for my 2 cycles, doctors appointments, many tests etc. I paid approximately $300.00. I cannot imagine going through these procedures with the added financial stress and burden.

3. The baby growing inside me. It has been so many years of trying, that even now, at 17 weeks, I sometimes cannot believe it is really growing inside me. And then it moves. And the wonderful popping corn motion feels me with such warmth and wonder.

4. The wonderful IF community in blogland. Without them, I would not have been able to deal with the terrible 2 week wait. To see their struggles, successes and failures made me more resolved (esp. after the first cycle went bust). It is wonderful that the internet has brought together such a wonderful community.

5. My husband, who went out and got me a piece of chocolate cake at 10 p.m. when I was depressed and weary and hormonal during the IVF cycle. Who babied me during the Egg Retrieval. Who held my hand during the Embryo Transfer. And now he is such a worry wart with the pregnancy, that he won't even let me lift a grocery bag!

6. My son, who is way too smart to not know what is going on, who has already told everyone in his class that we are not only pregnant, but that they used to call it a "Test Tube Baby". He will make such a wonderful big brother.

Vivid Dream

I had a vivid dream last night that won't leave me. I was in some non-descript somewhere. In between Michigan (where I grew up) and New England. All my family was there (including some people who are dead). Husband’s family too. And I might have been in a hospital, or not, although I recall an outdoors setting. A doctor came up to me and said “It’s all done. Everything is fine now.” And I said “What do you mean? What happened?” The doctor was saying that I had given birth, everything was all set. Did I want to see my child? I was stunned…more because I did not remember going into labor, did not remember giving birth—and I kept telling the dream doctor that.

But soon, they brought out my little baby—and it was a girl! And I was holding my baby girl! It was great and weird, like meeting someone for the first time, but yet, knowing that it was not real. Then, all the family members came around to look. And then I woke up.

Lots of this dream are totally untrue: 1) Most of the family members are going to be 800 miles away (as they were for the first one); 2) Dead people – duh! and 3) Painless childbirth – double duh!

But I do hope that the last one, the baby girl part, is true. Maybe its an omen?!

Well, hopefully, next Tuesday I will know….

80 - 90 --Almost there! More useless things about me!

Current Events - Top Ten Things

81. Felt the baby move for the first time on Sunday while driving home from errands. (Squee!)

82. Everyone in my household needs a HAIRCUT!!! And this morning, as I am pasteing down a collick on my son's hair, he asked if he could have sideburns. (Uh...that's a no!)

83. I want to do a family portrait, since its been a few years, but I am too lazy to set up an appointment to go to the photo shop, and now its almost time where I TOTALLY avoid the mall area (which is only an exit away from us). Hmm...maybe I can con, uh, ask, my brother (who's a decent photog to do it).

84. I have kept, for the last 4 years, an exel spreadsheet of gifts that I give (to whom, what I got them, how much it costs). I am down to buying for about 10 more people. And yet, I STILL forget someone! :-) (Usually the postman)

85. Doing this at lunch time at work. Found out something interesting--the two microwaves in the kitchen--don't try to use both of them at once--they short each other out. Took me 15 mins to cook two things for 5. (Yes, I kept leaving the room).

86. Re-reading Sarah Vowell's "Assassination Vacation" and using it as a guidebook for places I want to visit--(Hey, look, its pieces of Lincoln's skull!).

87. Tonight is my monthly scrap-booking night. I am just too tired, so I planned to go home and just veg with the husband (which considering he was in Montreal on business all last week, was a good idea). Now, it sounds like he is going to work late tonight, which means (a) I wouldn't have been able to go scrapbooking anyway and (b) I won't get to hang out with him tonight.

88. November 27th is my next Ultra-Sound. The one in which we may find out the sex! Bringing Michael along with us, despite it being a school day--its at 9 a.m., he won't miss much--And I can't wait!

89. I am SO craving Pumpkin Pie and Mashed Potatoes and TURKEY. (I have been very very good and not had mashed potatoes in a long time--the Pumpkin Pie--well, when fall officially arrived around the first of October, I did buy one--but, I haven't had one since then!!)

90. Its heavily raining outside right now. Hearing it on the roof of the building, brings me back to rainy mid-afternoons, napping with husband at my dorm room in college. (I need a nap!)

Nutritionist Is Nice

Had the Nutritionist appointment yesterday, and I feel a lot better about things. First off, she thinks I was pretty much on track with my weight, although now I do have to start watching it. Check! Second, she actually knew of and approved the diet I was using to lose weight before I was pregnant (Low Carb for Dummies--good, sensible book) and she wasn't all Atkins. Check!

She and I talked about a pregnancy diet that I (hopefully) can live with. Its not too bad, although I guess my cravings for sweets is definately going to be tested...but she offered some good advice for my chocoholism.

It's mainly a diet used for diabetic pregnancies, with carbs and proteins placed throughout the day (a concept which I am not totally familar with). The usual 6 small meals a day, eat when you are hungry, eat the right foods, etc. So, I hope that I can stick with it, esp. with the Holidays coming...

Next up, that yummy Glucose test next week!

Ten Things About Me Numbers 71 - 80 - Holidays

Continuing with the 100 things about me...

71. My favorite holiday is Christmas, although I would say that the commercialism does tarnish it a bit for me. While I am an athiest, I did grow up Roman Catholic, so I do have fond memories of churches decked out in red and green, and the beautiful music. But, what I mainly like about Christmas is the spirit of giving and good will towards man. I love watching my son's eyes light up when he comes downstairs and sees what Santa has brought. Also like the holiday specials, etc.

72. For Thanksgiving, our tradition is to make our pumpkin pie and other pie (husband does not like pumpkin pie since an unfortunate pie-eating contest, where pumpkin pie stayed in his beard and mustache FOREVER) in the morning. And pie is eaten for breakfast. My son LOVES this tradition.

73. Halloween is a big deal for my son, as seen on earlier posts. It is a favorite of mine, although more because I LOVE to indulge in horror movie watching.

74. During the X-Mas season, I traditionally make chocolate and peanut butter fudge from recipes of my Grammies. I make it in her honor, and usually give most of it away to co-workers, mailman, etc. (Mainly cuz I would eat it--its really good). This is a big thing for me, since I don't really cook that much.

75. On July 4th, we traditionally go to an amusement park in New Hampshire with our friend John. We stay all day, and go out to eat dinner and come back for the fireworks.

76. A clear New Year's memory for me was listening when I was 7 or 8 years old to my father playing in a dance band on the local radio station.

77. Another holiday I like is Hannukah. I like the history and story about the oil lasting 8 days. I like lighting the Menorah. It is peaceful and the colorful candles are very beautiful. I like making Potato Latke's for the first night of Hannukah and inviting friends over to celebrate.

78. I like Labor Day, for the non-labor we do. Usually we go on a long weekend to a beach town. Its a way to say good-bye to the summer.

79. I like that my son's birthday is near President's Day (Feb. 21). And my husband's birthday is on July 5th; and mine is Dec. 25th.

80. I liked the movie "Ground Hog's Day". Its a good movie.

Being overweight sucks...

Went to the OB today. It was my first meeting with my actual Doctor, and while I heard the heartbeat, it was not the best first meeting.

I have gained 14 lbs. so far with this pregnancy. Unfortunately, they (which I did not know until she said it today)wanted me to gain 15 lbs. for the WHOLE pregnancy. So, there...obesity at its best! And, I could tell by her look, that this tall, thin OB thought I was some cake pounding, sandwich scarfing fat woman.

I am disappointed in myself. I had started out so well, eating right (occasionally letting myself have a craving, but generally eating veggies and fruit, 6 small meals a day, etc.) and building up my exercise routine from my IVF/Transfer time back to my regular routine. I was feeling good, and I had gained only 5 lbs. Then I got sick and had the cellulitis. The last week and a half have not been stellar. I was basically on bedrest, couldn't make dinner (and husband can't cook), so we had a LOT of take out/fast food. I knew it was bad, but frankly, I was depressed, sick, tired and bored--not good combinations for eating correctly. No exercise, barely in veggies and good stuff...but, what could I do? And since Saturday, I have been back to building up the exercise AGAIN, and eating right AGAIN...but, there is that 14 lbs. already. ACK!

And here I should be happy because Tadpole is doing great. But, I am depressed.

And the thing that got me was that talking to the OB's assistant last appointment, I told her how I had lost all that weight, how I was so committed to trying not to gain so much weight during this pregnancy. And it was such a positive meeting with her. She even gave me the number to the nutritionist...who I get to see next week. This appointment with the OB tore down all that and made me feel like she thought I had no willpower and was some fat slob.