Thursday, August 24, 2017

Persistence of Memory

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.” - Tenth Doctor

A week ago, we were in Provincetown at a beach.

Two weeks ago, I was with my brother in a room watching my mother die.

Three weeks ago, those things were in the future...unknown.

Time is fluid. Time is straight.  Time is everywhere around me and in my thoughts.  It slips away, as summer goes into fall.  As school approaches.  As holidays come and go.

Various memories of the past two weeks mix together in a weird conglomeration of sadness, happiness...the strange things that pop up in my mind:


  • feeding my mom a nutter butter (at her request, one of the last she made to me)
  • me badly singing along to Beach Boys and Beatles to try and amuse her (and myself)
  • getting a much needed break from the mundane with a restful trip to Cape Cod when I really needed it...I need more beach time!
  • meeting goats on Cape Cod
  • looking out at a beautiful sunset at the beach
  • getting texted sympathy messages from people--sometimes just when I needed it the most--sometimes when I had just had my mind settled--but always appreciated
  • giving and receiving extra TLC from Willow
  • those little nods and small gestures from Michael which means he cares and just doesn't know how to show it, including coming to my work and giving me a Burger King crown
  • sorting through a LOT of crackers and adult coloring pages at my mom's room with my brother
  • seeing Willow tote around for days a small rag doll my mom must have made during a crafting day

There are other memories of those last few days, ones that intermingle and will change with time.

Time moves on, but there is the persistence of memory...


Friday, August 11, 2017

RIP, Mom

Sometimes life is cliche.  My mom was dealing with melanoma for the past three years and at the beginning of the year, it was decided that treatments were not working and she should go into hospice.  She moved to a closer facility, she was doing better without the treatments.  We visited her more often because she was closer...and that was the biggest thing she wanted.  She desperately wanted to be near her children and grandchildren, who she was very proud of and who she would brag up to anyone in earshot.  

So.  Just a couple of Sundays ago...we took this picture:




The next Friday, she started to take a turn for the worse.

This morning, she passed away.

Her death was known.  Her death was sudden.  I am glad she will not be in any pain anymore. But it sucks that she did not get any more time with the people she loved.

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I had a complicated relationship with my mother.  

However, one thing I can say without reservation is that she did her best to be there for her grandchildren.  No matter what obstacle was in her way, whether disability or distance, she went through it to be there for them.  For that alone,  I am most grateful. 















Wednesday, August 09, 2017

A mess of thoughts...

Kinda a mess of thoughts right now, many times I have wanted to write, but haven't had the energy, or time or words...

As usual, life and death and everything...

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Willow hasn't been sleeping well lately.  Who can really blame her?  I haven't really slept well since November...

She has never been my sleeping kid.  Always my energizer bunny.  But, lately, she has had a rough time falling asleep.  Usually, once she is asleep she is fine...but this past week, she has had nightmares and has come into our bed frequently.

We have tried lots of methods to get her to sleep.  Discipline, no discipline, melatonin, no melatonin, reading in bed, not reading in bed.  Bedtime routines and non-traditional bedtime routines.  I know it is partially the summer.  I know it is partially hormones on her part.  I know it is partially an ennui on our part.

I think the vacation next week on Cape Cod will help to do a reset...and we will start the climb back to a semi-normal sleep routine with her.



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This happened on Monday: 


He signed up for his first semester of college classes.  To help him transition, he is going to take only three classes.  Two academic ones--Biology and Western Civilization (History) and then he picked a Drawing class (he was thinking photography, but went to drawing).

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Hoping we have a restful vacation, although it sounds like I will be checking in with Hospice regarding my mother.  I think her struggles with cancer are almost at an end.  I have mixed feelings on all of it.

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We are up to 8 hours out of 40 hours needed on the parental supervision requirement for Michael to get his driver's license.  He does pretty well and now he is driving us to and from appointments, etc. Last Saturday's adventure to our Dentist appointments in Lexington was a bit of a reminder that he needs to remember, especially in Massachusetts small towns, the pedestrians rule. 

He hasn't gotten up to driving on highways yet, but there are more occasions now that my stomach is not freaking out with him at the wheel...so I think that is a good sign, right?!

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I am by no means ready for school to start.  I am again facing my summer denial...summer isn't over yet, dammit!

Some summers we have done lots and lots of summer activities and I feel like we have lived the summer to its fullest.  Then there are some summers...where time just sneaks up on you...and summer is already almost done.  Unfortunately, through various means (including various obligations, sickness, weather, etc.) this summer is feeling like the later.  

Although...there have been some good summer-time activities like these:

Fire pit and s'mores in back yard:


I got some of those fire packets that change the flames different colors!  I did not photograph it very well!  But it was blue, purple, green...etc.


Rockport, MA - fudge shoppe

She enters a place and immediately asks for LOBSTER!




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Well, I guess we are going to cram a whole bunch of summer into the next few weeks--we are socially booked up and I barely will have time to get us all packed before we go to Cape.  Looking forward to some beach and resting, family time and reflection.  





Ripple Effects 2

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