25 years...

I took the Michael (he was almost 3) to daycare and proceeded to drive into work. Heard the first plane had hit (we thought accident, maybe small plane). The time between me parking and getting into the office....the second plane hit.

I remember that we watched the collapse on a small TV in one of the lawyers office. At first I was relieved because I thought that everyone was evacuated, right(?)...I think that was for a second and then my mind caught up to the reality and I realized we had just lost thousands of people.

I also remember that the office manager asked if I wanted to come to her house and have lunch (she lived nearby). I think at the time I was the youngest person in the office so I was kinda protected...we went to her house, she made me a tuna fish sandwich and we watched the events on her big screen TV.

So much has changed since the terrorist attack, and sometimes it strikes me how often our daily lives are still impacted by those attacks.  Our country changed, sometimes for the good, but I cannot help feeling like the rot that has infected our country started to creep out that day.  The hurt, the anger, the utter loss--combined in some people into a malignant tumor of intolerance, paranoia, hate and ignorance.

I feel like there was a point where we could have used the wonderful togetherness and unity we all felt as a country/world those first few days...and this was squandered.

Twenty-five years ago, there were no planes in the sky, and America felt vulnerable...and it was the beginning of a new era.

Sound Bath

Wish it was outside, wish I was one with nature; however one with myself and the sounds in the chapel.  Sigh...ready for autumn.

Two Months on...

It feels bizarre how time goes slow/fast through our lives. It seems like there has been a lot of time since my dad died and where I am now.  And yet, it was only a little over two months ago. A little over two months ago when I last talked to him.  A little over two months ago I was on the most strange and sad and nice road trip with my brother to North Carolina.  A trip that started out to see a dying father and ended up being a trip to comfort a new widow and make arrangements for our dad.

Since that trip, since my dad has been gone...life itself has not stopped.  We have had adversity, we have had summer school, new jobs, vacations to Cape Cod...new living room furniture, doctor appointments and various other annoyances and joys.

During all of these life moments, there has been a brief pause in my brain when I was like "oh dad would like this" or "I should tell dad about that"...and the new realty sunk in again.

Hanging out with my brother...

The only really good thing that happened the week my Dad died was that I got to spend extensive time with my brother.  

We made the road trip there, hoping to see him before he passed away.  Unfortunately, we did not get there in time.  

However, we got there to help with arrangements, etc.  

It was amazing to get to really spend time with my brother.  I do see him every month for dinner, we do text most days...but it is not the same as spending a long car ride somewhere, or going to a museum or hanging out at the hotel room (Or waiting for the hotel room!)

Going over our feelings of grief and loss, reminiscing over photographs, talking about all sorts of subjects (it was a LONG car ride!)

We also spent some time just trying to BE.

We went to a museum, we got BBQ...we hung out at Target (cuz we had no other place to go before the hotel room was available!)

I would love another road trip with my brother sometime.  Hopefully under more happy circumstances!

We had just got to NC, and we could not get into our hotel room.  We were tired, depressed...and this was a cute stuffie that I knew Willow would love seeing...picture taken!

Shared dessert between my brother, my dad's wife and me.  The flower is made of strawberries.  Quite yummy!

Arby's!  Made me think of Dad and Grammie...the many times we had Arby's to celebrate...

Its Beer!  Root Beer!

Fancy Pants drink...it was good...not good enough to drink again tho...

Very Dad-like pose, actually...

Frogs all along NJ Turnpike...

Closest we got to NYC

Ride back--getting close to MA

 

Dad

When I think of my Dad, my first thought is "perpetual motion".  He was always moving, always doing something...sitting still was hard for him (unless it was a good movie or a music performance).

Dad was in a lot of ways, an "old-school" Dad.  Emotions were not something he showed easily, he worked long hours and read the newspaper.  At one point, he even had a pipe! 

But when he was at home, that perpetual motion made him a presence in our lives.  Usually, "relaxing" at home meant repairing or maintaining something. When I was younger, I found that I could spend some quality time with my Dad as his helper on various projects.  I held hammers, screwdrivers, wood, helped mix concrete, etc.  I learned how to mow a lawn pretty early on--and even earned some extra money that way when I was old enough.

Even Fun for Dad was in Motion.  Planning and organizing, going and exploring.  Every summer, we would spend one to two weeks visiting my maternal Grandparents in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  Dad would often schedule those weeks to coincide with a festival or other summer event.  He would look in newspapers and find happenings around us to go to.  Planned visits to the Zoo and museums.  I especially loved visits to the Lincoln museum, where they had lots of President Lincoln memorabilia. 

My love of trying new things and going to theater and planning and organizing -- these traits can all trace back to this man.  

When I was a child, my Dad was my hero.  I asked for his advice for everything, wanted his approval for anything I was doing.   He gave me pony back rides, he listened to me, we did projects big and small together.   As I grew into adulthood, I found out, as we all do, that my Dad was a human being after-all.  

There were some tough, trying times, as my parents divorced and my Dad took a bit of time to find himself again.  For a while, he seemed a-drift.  He would call me, and open up to me in such un-Dad-like fashion that it scared me.

Time changes us all, but we often find our way back.  He found love again.  He found himself again.  His later years, he was back into that Perpetual Motion...playing in a concert band, going to theater and shows, enjoying the nature and history around him with his new wife.  He had friends and our family grew to include grandchildren.  

We lost him on June 2nd.  That heart that helped him keep going, moving, exploring...finally stopped moving.

Rest.

Ups and DOWNS...

Every so often I think of what history will say about this time period.  I hope I am around to find out, although I think it will be some time before we recover from this awful period in our country.

Sometimes thinking outside of myself serves me well, to get perspective and to have a plan for action.  But with so many things happening in the outside world as well as within our own lives--it can sometimes just make me sink into fatalism.  

Thing is, a LOT of things are not good...but there ARE things that are good.

I guess I have to try to think of what goals are more important than others in my life and in my loved ones lives.

Our downs:

• Work issues
• Michael unemployed
• Willow going through depression episodes
• Chewy going through depression episodes
• My dad having health scares
• My own health scares
• Broken furniture (yeah, not the WORST thing...but it adds to the chaos)
• Money issues

BUT...Our UPs:

TOTAL CON 40!

I WON!  lol

Quigleys!

Pool Time!

Michael's Birthday at the hotel!

New shirt!

Michael running his first game--one that both he and Dad created.

"Ray Harryhausen's Jurassic Park"

Pumpkin has a new friend, and now we have two new Guinea Pigs to love on:

Welcome to Toffee!

With loss, we also had a renewal.  Toffee had been abandoned and needed a buddy.  Pumpkin needed one too...so, now we have two buddies again.  Its sometimes hard, because of course they don't replace Luci and Knight...we still miss those two very much...but Toffee and Pumpkin are growing on us!!

Other good things:

• Willow started a volunteering job at a local therapeutic horse farm
• Michael had a couple of interviews
• Most of the snow has melted!
• BUNNIES!

(yeah, yeah...I am working on the good things, dammit!)

 

Knight RIP

Knight died in Willow's arms this morning.

When we got in him 2021, he was approx. 1 - 1.5 years old...so, for a guinea pig, he had a good long life. It seemed to come on very quickly--he had just had his nails trimmed last week and was fine, up until a couple of days ago. All indications seem to me that he had some type of stroke (he had a head tilt, barely moved, etc.).

We monitored him--and last night, it was obvious that he was going.

It is devastating that he died so soon after the sudden illness and death of Luci, but it seems that it was just his time to go (and Luci needed his buddy!).

Last night...

Cuties!