Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Third Beta

Third Beta is 3,098 ("progressing nicely"). I have an ultrasound scheduled for Sept. 4th.

Another hurdle over!!

I think this deserves a Snoopy Dance!

As for symptons, my appetite has increased. I have cravings, mainly for salty things which is unlike me. However, some cravings I have had lately I can tell are more because of all this anxiety...so I have to watch it. And, of course, I am already dying for some sushi (hush, sushi craving, hush...you can wait 10 months or so).

Also have some slight pangs of sickness, although so far been able to deal without the ultimate hurl...the biggest thing--I am totally and utterly exhausted. Last time I was able to go home after work and take a nap. Not so easy with an 8 year old. I am not looking forward to school--I will have to help him with his homework (stay focused, Michael!), meanwhile I will be drifting out of focus myself.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?!?

IVF Anecdote #2:

You know you are an IVF nut when you go to an amusement park and set your cell phone alarm so that you can skip out to the car and take your PIO. Yep, in the light of the parking lot, one could see me and my husband "shooting up". I guess we were just lucky that it was late enough (9 p.m.), and dark enough that no one saw us. Fun!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Cautiously Optimistic...still kinda sucks

I feel lucky to get to this stage, I really do. And I know that I should not be complaining, because we have been lucky so far. BUT -- the whole waiting for the next hurdle is getting old. I wanna be able to just enjoy it, like I did the first time. But, Nooo. Now I preface everything with "It's still a little too early" and end conversations with "hopefully, if all goes right".

Last night I was in tears because I felt I jinxed it by telling (having to tell) most everyone at work (its a small company--there was no way around the second round of IVF without letting them know).

SO, I guess its still the IVF LIMBO at the moment...

I will find some things to distract me, hopefully!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Beta at 152

Next beta is on 28th.

So far the only symptons have been an increase in appetite, and some cramping on my legs. Also, uncomfortable nights sleep (did not think that would happen so early). Oh, this could be related, but I am also incredibly tired.

It still hasn't quite sunk in yet. And I am still trying to be cautiously optimistic...

Its one of those things where it has been so long to get to this point, we have prepared for so long and then stopped preparing and now, now... it could be here. Dare I read the book about having a second pregnancy that I bought so optimistically 5 years ago? Do I start going through all the baby clothes in the basement that I have saved and saved?

I guess I got a potential 9 months to go through those... at the very least I will wait until after the 28th before I start to call on OBs (although I have a list of them already).

Update: Here's an interesting article (you'll have to cut and paste--doing this at work on a Mac): http://www.technologyreview.com/Biotech/19284/page1/

Sunday, August 19, 2007

And the winner is...

Beta at 62! Doc wanted at 50, so great results. I have next beta Tuesday--but it's official---I am pregnant!

As Husband said "Fucking A!"

Saturday, August 18, 2007

And I cried...

The photo's not the greatest, but it clearly says "Pregnant".

My first reaction was--it could be wrong. My second was to cry my eyes out while hugging Husband. We have waited for 5 years for this. I have seen so many negative HPTs, I did not even think this one was possible. Now, I just want to get the beta tomorrow, I need to know this is real. Right now, there are so many variables...right now I wasn't even sure I was going to put this picture up. But my husband said: "Let's just be happy for today and enjoy it now." So I am.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Trying and failing to remain positive...

Okay, a little over 2 days left, and I am only freaking out just a bit. I have no symptons of pregnancy (nor probably should I). Sometimes a little cramp or soreness, which could mean anything. I bought the most expensive HPT I could find, digital and everything. I will test tomorrow morning, if I get the nerve up. And then Sunday is the beta.

I am feeling a bit negative right now. Perhaps its because Husband has been away all week, but I just can't be positive right now. IVF #1 started with such promise and was a bust. This one I took with more cautious optimism, but after the medications seemed to produce higher levels, we still did not get as many eggs out as I wanted. The doc said the egg quality was better, but still I got the news yesterday that number three embie had "arrested development" and therefore was not able to be frozen. So, I keep thinking...if that one couldn't survive, what about Atia and Servilla? Are they just breaking up in the atmosphere or what? Originally, I thought all our issues were mainly about (1) male infertility and (2) my weight. I have spent a whole lot of time and energy to fix number 2 (I've lost 70 lbs. though I could stand to lose 20 more); and supposedly this process fixes number 1. SO, you would think it would work, right??!

I already know that if this one doesn't work, I want to wait out the rest of the year. I don't need this up and down and appointments and needles and all this crap during the beginning of the school year (tough enough with the IEP meetings and dealing with ADHD medications, etc.). And then the holidays. So, if its negative, the third cycle will have to wait until next year.

There. At least I have a plan. Doesn't make me feel any better, but there it is.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

"I want to put babies on spikes." "Go, then! Go! What a wonderful idea. It's the American Dream!" - The Great Eddie Izzard

Yes, I am remaining calm...yep...calm...

Hmm..what to do to remain calm...

Aside from obsessing over non-existent or perceived symptons, embryology searches on the internet, going over the percentages at my clinic of successes (in my age group - 40%--knew that going in), clicking onto all the cyclesistas that I can find, and obsessing about how much obsessing I am doing...

I am Great!

Well, actually, I am holding my own. Some techniques that I am trying this time around are working. Trying deep breathing and visualizing calm colors. I am also trying to take it easy as much as I can--the laundry be damned! And I am Trying to focus on the here and now (easy while Husband is away--there is still so much to do). One day at a time. Also, no POAS. I am going to try to stick (so to speak) with that. I only have until Sunday. I can do it. (Well, I might buckle under on Saturday).

Anyone have any techniques for getting through the 2WW?

BTW, thanks for all the comments...this blog is more for me to just put stuff down from my head, but its nice to have encouragement and know that other people are dealing with the same issues as I am.

Friday, August 10, 2007

"OK, I've got a pretty good calm going!" - Leela "Futurama"

Well, so far I have tried to keep with the calm. Despite the new obstacle to that calm (see previous post), I am trying to get back to that calmness.

Made arrangements with my brother who will do the PIO, and maybe I can get him to help with things at the house when he comes over...I've planned out the dinners for next week to be things that are simple (and hopefully less work).

And, wierdly, the zen is working. I am calm right now. Perhaps its because it is Friday and Husband doesn't leave until Monday..maybe its because I have finally told my boss (it seemed like a scene from "Sixth Sense"--"I am ready to tell you my secret now.").

My boss was cool, btw (thought he would be). He has three adopted children (youngest 14 now), and he knows various people besides his family who have struggled with IF. He told me a story about a friend who tried and tried IVF and it wasn't working and they decided on a surrogate, and with their last FET they also tried. The surrogate and the woman BOTH got pregnant. So, now they have two children, born two days apart from two different mothers. There are just so many ways to make a family!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Give me shot! Someone!!

The following is a rant, it is only a rant, please excuse the F-bomb, but I liberally use it when I am pissed off:

Give me a fucking break. On top of the normal pressures of the 2WW, NOW my husband has to go on a fucking business trip. He has to go on Monday, and it looks like he will be gone the whole week. Meanwhile, who the fuck is going to give me my PIO shot??!? My eight year old?!?!? My cat?!?!? Nope, its going to be about as wierd tho--I am going to try to rope my brother into it.

Oh, this should be fun. Oh, not to mention the fact that now I will have to be single working mom while hormonal (AND I am supposed to be taking it easy?!?!) Maybe I could just prop the needle up in a chair and sit on it...

Okay, now that that is over:

Click to view my Personality Profile page

"ISTJs are very loyal, faithful, and dependable. They place great importance on honesty and integrity. They are "good citizens" who can be depended on to do the right thing for their families and communities. While they generally take things very seriously, they also usually have an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings."

Not quite me...I would say I am a bit more extroverted...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Egg Transfer went well! Updated with Embryos Pic

Attia & Servilla

There were three good candidates, they went with the best two (and if the third one makes it to tomorrow, they will freeze him--Husband named him Elmer). I named the other two that were transfered Attia and Servilla (from "Rome"), as we were chanting something from "Rome" while we waited our ten minutes of non-movement.

The embryos look even better than last time--our hopes are high (for now).

The transfer went well, although in a hot and crowded room. I am home for the next two days on limited movement (bedrest for today, mainly--I got my Dr. Who dvd's ready!).

Onto the rollercoaster of the 2WW! The beta is on 8/19/07.

Monday, August 06, 2007

We got some eggs, and I am only slightly scrambled...

The ER went fine yesterday. Only a little sore now, mainly on left side... The Doc said my levels have been better and more follicles were growing as compared to last time. Gave us positive feeling. Until after the retrieval, when he reported that ole' Lefty hates us. He was able to retrieve 6 eggs--better than last time...but, that left ovary just hides behind the uterus and is not very accessible (he said he would have to "put a hole" into the uterus to get at it--so while Lefty had a lot of eggs---he only was able to get two). Not as much with the happy now.

BUT, 5 mature eggs were gotten, and as of this morning, 3 fertilized! So, 3 out of 5 ain't bad for us (last time it was 2 out of 4). As I told hubby--it just takes one! (okay, keeping with the positives here!)

So Egg Transfer is probably tomorrow, they will be calling back with a time. I hope they transfer the two best ones (I really don't want twins, let alone triplets).

Friday, August 03, 2007

Okay, so the whole world knows!

IVF Anecdote #1:

Let me preface in saying that my husband and I have a very funny (some would call it warped) sense of humor. And that I am usually the one telling the joke no one (except maybe him) gets.

So, I just got off the phone with the clinic--trigger shot tonight at 10 p.m.; egg retrieval is on for 9 a.m. Sunday. I had just IM'd husband saying that they had not called me yet. So, I was excited. So I called him on his new cell phone. And I sang: "Shoot me in the butt now, now!"(X3) to a tune he told me his sister used to sing on car trips when she was little ("Going down the road now, now!" repeat). Then he says "What, oh, do you know that I am in a meeting a whole bunch of guys are looking at me wierdly?" (this was said amusingly embarrassed while I could hear some chuckling in the background). I think I then murmured the main message...and skulked off to my cubicle....

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Getting close...

Went to blood and ultrasound today. She had to check Lefty with the outer ultrasound...and when she pressed down, it hurt! She said that they are "plumping up". Oh goody. Well, the follicles are growing, 3-4 on the left side are at 18. So, I am sure the retrieval and transfer are going to happen next week. Just not sure when.

In other news:

Michael is visiting me today at work. He has field trips on Thursdays, and they were going to Canobie Lake Park
(http://www.canobie.com/) again--he has been there 3 times this summer, so I offered that he could spend the day at work with me instead--and wierdly enough--he wanted to! We'll go out for lunch at a Chinese restaurant--and he gets unlimited access to a computer---thank you PBS kids.org and Nick.com! Its fun to have him here--although sometimes a bit stressful (fighting for the printer--"But the ARTHUR page has to print first before the Lease Abstract!". (Luckily, its summer--lot of people are on vacation this week).

Roll Out

Well, after over nine months of unemployment, I have accepted an offer for a position at a mid-sized law firm.  So, the "strange normal...