Things Done, Things to Do, Excitement, Anxiety and Guilt - UPDATED

Warning: As the title suggests – rambling post!

Sometimes 3 months is an eternity and sometimes it is too short. Sometimes I feel we have made progress and sometimes I wearily look at my “To Do” list and realize that there is still more to do.

Significant things have been done – we now have a good part of the nursery done—its merely clean up type items. We have gotten DAYCARE set up (aside from signing the contract next week). We have a lot of clothes for the first month or two. We have started the process of getting Michael “ready” for a sibling. We already took a quickie tour of L&D. One of the most important things was done today—THE TALK with the boss over leave time. I think we worked out a very fair leave time (with PAY, which was my main sticking point). It won’t be as much time as I had with Michael, but those were different circumstances (I was laid off because of a merger, I took all my vacation time because I knew of impending merger, etc.).

Amongst the not done listing - need to call the other provider we decided to not take (I hate saying no, and we liked her—but…there had to be a second choice!). We still need to get a travel system (car seat/stroller) and other small things (diapers, crib mattress pad, bath lotion, etc.). Things that can be gotten after the fact (except the Car Seat of course!), things I remember in the middle of the night…(and go “did we really need/use that the last time?”) I have the baby registry up—but so far, I am the only one buying things on it---(I got a gift card from work for the holidays!).

We still have the classes coming up, but not until March/April (!) We signed Michael up for a Siblings Class. I worry that since he is going to be 9 (!) he may be the oldest one there. I wonder how much it will help—I suppose every little bit helps. The boy is a sponge with knowledge, so I hope he learns something useful. Signed us up for a refresher class, despite the fact that we are going to be doing a scheduled C-Section, because, frankly, you never know. OB hasn’t told me when the scheduled C-Section is going to be—maybe next appointment…

And, aside from all the material things, there are the emotional things to deal with.

The other night, husband said he was “excited” about Willow and couldn’t wait. And I felt that excitement too. Then I felt anxiety. I worry that I will get preeclampsia again. I worry that I will have a complication. I worry when the baby doesn’t move. Sometimes I can call her Willow. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to hope. This is definitely not like when I was pregnant with Michael. I mean, I had anxiety (esp. when he did not move) but mostly, it took so much to get to this point this time that I can’t help but worry that something will go wrong. And then I read other blogs where it has. And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that it only took 2 IVF’s for us to get here. I feel guilty for posting all this stuff about progess towards a goal so many people are still struggling to achieve. I feel guilty for already having a child.

Oh, and I have other anxieties too—will Michael be able to deal with this HUGE life change? Will we be able to deal with a newborn and a kid with ADHD? Will we have some type of structure for everyone? What about going into surgery again? (I had an emergency C-Section after 14 hours labor last time--boy was that FUN!) And what about the cat!?!? (Okay, okay---Gabby will be fine)

So, I guess, I am saying---life is good, crazy, and scary. I should be thankful more often, guilty less so and I should chill out.

Okay. I will put that on my list.

UPDATE:
Thank you all for such supportive comments! I tend to be the supportive one in my family, and sometimes its nice to be the one receiving the encouragement! As for the inquiries on my registry--first off, thank you so very much; second off, I am registered at Amazon.com; third off, if you are registered please let me know where too (not only do I want to reciprocate, but also its FUN to see what other people are getting--sometimes I get some new ideas!).

UPDATE THE SECOND: Just after I checked the registry out again, I realized that my work just bought me something (its a sort of surprise, however, they did ask me what I would want) and it looks like I at least will be able to bring Willow home in style

Comments

Anonymous said…
We are here for you. Thanks for your thoughts.

Love Dad & Margo
Waiting Amy said…
You ARE thankful, you SHOULD NOT feel guilty, and yes, you SHOULD chill out as best you can!

Hang in there, I know its hard at times not to worry, bu not long to go! What a lovely spring you will have!
Valerie said…
I so understand were you are coming from with all your worries etc. I to feel guilty for already being a mom, for only needing 2 IVFs etc. although 2 is still 2 too many. With that said try not to worry if at all possible. Also can I get a link to your registry?
butterflyanla said…
Where did you register? I would like to get a braces bunch gift for willow and I couldn't find your registry at the usual places. You can just send it to me in email if you prefer. butterflyanla6318@yahoo.com

p.s. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Infertility sucks and wheather it only takes you one iui or 1 ivf or just clomid to get the miracle, you shill had to struggle and walk the hard road. Good Luck
Cibele said…
I hear you!!! I have the same emotions going through my head...
PS: you are in a much better shape than I am on your to do list!

let me know where are you registered!
Ana said…
GIRL you will be fine and you got Ana Banana to chill with and BESIDES... I have fridays OFF and the weekends and if you think you can get rid of me with a little one around you are WRONG! PLUS this will give michael and I a reason to get out by ourselves and chill and have fun. We haven't had that opportunity yet. We can do our out time and you and willow can do your I'm sure much needed nap time. You will be fine and guilt is the last thing you should feel... you worked HARD for this losing a ridiculus amount of weight and keeping it off and still dealing with your Wonderful but sometimes clueless husband and Charming yet sometimes tough son. And I am positive Gabriel will be fine... kitties are independant creatures. lol. Don't sweat it. you will do great! OOH and I think I'm gonna get mondays off all summer so we can do little vacations together too. OR I can just take michael myself and we can go camping. Has he ever slept in a tent? Maybe he wants to do the kid's triathlon with me. does he swim? Hmmm all these things to think about. FUN! relax and just enjoy the miracle.
Delenn said…
Ana, you are one of things I am thankful for!! Its so great to have you for a friend!
SaraS-P said…
When you figure out how to chill out on demand, let us know the secret, ok?
I have found that, if you tend towards the worrying side of life, IF makes it SO MUCH WORSE.....

Maybe ticking off something on your "To Do" list each day will help to feel more positive. Though I can imagine your fear....

XOXO
Jeffrey said…
Hi. A group of Moms have talking on a friend's site around 10:30pm - 11:00 pm. We do talk webkinz but we are also talking about, potty training, childbirth, recipes and other parent stuff. If that is not too late for you. You are welcome to join us. One of the ladies is from around your area. Just go to my site and then use the blogroll to get to gymbo. We are under chit chat night owls. We have only been doing it for a few nights and it has been fun.
Might be a nice distraction for you.
Anyone who cares about you is just going to be happy for you. I understood your feelings when the situation was reversed and you understand how your friends that are still trying feel. I don't think they would want you to feel guilty. Success stories give others hope.

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