Random Photos from this Weekend.

Show & Tell #32

Today we went to our friend's house in New Hampshire to have a BBQ. She invited another couple who brought their fur-baby, a 5 month old chocolate lab named Java. So, Willow got to hang out with three dogs, and a few cats.

Here are some awful, blurry photos from my husband's cell phone.

That is our friend, with Java and Willow on her lap.




Willow petted Java and Java was wonderful with her (it helped that Java was really tired out from running around outside).

Our friend is also fostering kittens for the local shelter (taking care of them until they reach age to be adopted). Willow LOVED one of the kittens, and took it and hugged it like crazy.

I am so glad she is getting this exposure to these animals. She had a blast!



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Things are...complicated

2009 has so far pretty much sucked eggs. Can't go into too many details, but aside from me being laid off and unemployed, my husband is having problems at his work--and there is a possibility that he could get laid off too. Oh, and the stress of that situation, my situation and daily life in general has just made it even more difficult for me to eat right and exercise and get rid of this damn weight already(!!) I just feel like we never catch a break. Or, more acurately, we get breaks, we seem to get ahead in the world--and then WHAM! we get sucker punched with something else happening in our lives. I am just so tired of the MOVING800MILESAWAY-DEPRESSION-BABYBLUES-ADHD-SECONDARYINFERTILITY-PPD-NEWBORN-LAIDOFF-ECONOMYSUCKS rollercoaster.

Ugh. I need chocolate.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Show & Tell #31

We went on a family outing today that I think is one of the hidden treasures in our area, the Harvard Natural History Museum.

We have gone here many, many times and the exhibits do not change that much, but it is a fascinating museum, especially for children. I remember taking Michael when he was Willow's age, and her eyes lit up just the same as his did. We put her in the umbrella stroller, and she was excited to see the mammal exhibits...pointing to a red fox on display--saying "kitty caa" (so far this is her only "real" word and it is used for all animals).

And, as usual, Michael was brimming with excitement and pointing out all the animals and dinosaur skeletons--I especially like how he likes to makes me close my eyes so he can steer me (while I am pushing a stroller no less) towards an especially "scary" exhibit--so that I can open my eyes at the right point to be "scared" (which I proceed feign--and still at 10 years old--he doesn't realize that I am not really scared).

I especially like looking at the skeletons of the ice age creatures like the Giant Ground Sloth or the mastedon. Also, having skeletons of Sperm Whales above your heads is pretty darn cool too! Michael and I were both fascinated at the exitinct animal exihibit--it is amazing to see creatures and imagine what they were like--and a bit bittersweet to realize that humans have caused much of the extinction.

The funny thing about today's outing--it was a spur of the moment change of plans that brought us to the museum--and we had a blast!

Just for fun...here is a creepy exhibit picture (I did not take it):



Okay, this doesn't look ANYTHING like the cute pet chinchilla's we used to have!!






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16 years

16 years ago we got married. We met when we had just entered our 20s, now we are almost entering or 40s. We share so much in common. We have had our shares of ups and downs (thankfully, more ups than downs). We have shared clinical depression (his), post-partum depression (mine), attention deficet disorder and social pragmatic issues (our son), lay-offs (his many years ago; mine now), infertility and a newborn (again!).

2008 was one of our best years of our lives. 2009 has had a less than stellar start. But each and every year has been an honor and privaledge to be his partner. I love him even more for the husband and father he has become in these sixteen years. Happy Anniversary!

Psst...Legal Seafood tonight!

Growing Pains

While I was up at 1 a.m. dealing with an inconsolable-totally-unlike-herself-because-she-is-teething(?) Willow...I was heartened to read several posts by people on Facebook and a hillarious post by Serenity on the stage we are going through--the early stage of toddlerhood.

Its interesting that I have done this before, but I am still learning every day things I either don't remember, did not know, or mistakes that I then remember that I did with Michael. Everyday I find myself trying to compare--when Michael tried to get into the downstairs bathroom, we merely had the door shut (adding a door knob do-hickey later on that prevented everyone from opening the door with ease). Now, we have the cat's litter in there. Even when I shut the door, I can only do it for a little bit of time--I really don't know a more convenient spot for the cat's litter, and I really am not in the mood to train two non-verbal beings in the house at once. (yes, I know--the dreaded Gate will have to make an appearance)

When Willow goes for the entertainment center--its not the huge cabinet it was for Michael. The huge non-fragile cabinet. No...know its the smallish stand with the BIG new T.V. on it, and the Wii and the X-Box...and the wires therein...she is like a fly attracted to the light. I have the wires under control. And she mostly avoids it--unless the television is on...and then WHOOSH! Willow is after that television stand. (yeah, limited television viewing has been enforced, but there is only so much of that in a house with a ten year old--if its not the television, its video games)

I don't know if its because I am older, or because she is faster. Last night I was putting the dishes into the dishwasher while Michael was doing his homework. And Willow was sitting on my foot and trying to grab at the dirty utensils that I just put in. I muttered about not knowing if Michael had been this underfoot. Willow just smiled at me. And tried to pull my sock off. And then crawl 60 mph to the cat's food dish.

11 Months

I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her. She has two teeth on the top, two teeth coming on the bottom. She crawls so quickly we can't keep up. She is so bubbly and curious. She is growing and changing every day. And I am loving every bit of it (well, except for the lack of sleep sometimes).

Yesterday I got her portrait taken, here is what is newly hanging in our living room:





And here are a few of the other poses:







I cannot believe that next month she will be officially one years old.

Science Fiction Geek Time...

One of the advantages of being unemployed--I get to watch the Battlestar Galatica marathon today on the Sci-Fi channel...

As a sci-fi geek who has seen many shows fade and end, it always saddens me to see great science fiction leave the screen. Thinking of tonights final episode of Battlestar Galatica, I think back to all the shows I loved---Star Trek, Babylon 5, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel--and I feel so lucky to have been able to visit these worlds...and to get to re-visit them again (with my children too!) on DVD.

Battlestar Galatica was a wonderful show. Tonight we are having our favorite pizza--and sushi (cuz sushi is the only food that we can recognize that they eat on BSG).

With a heavy heart I say good bye, BSG--but I do look forward to seeing you again (and again)...

(and at least there is still Dr. Who...)

Elusive Sleep

It was quiet. Too quiet. We had gotten the kids down by 9 p.m., which was a miracle, since we had went out to eat and had gotten home late.

We relaxed. And then husband did some work and I did the bills. I started to get ready for bed, doing the normal rounds--getting Michael's lunch money ready, his snack for the day (they still do snacks during the day in 4th grade).

And then Michael came down. Wakeful and fidgety...telling us that he had been up reading in his bed (it was almost midnight).

We think its his ADHD medication, because this wakefulness seems to have started since we upped his dosage 2 weeks ago.

Finally getting him settled, or so I thought, I left my husband doing work at his computer. I layed down...started to drift off...and

I heard something blurping/rustling on the baby monitor and then I heard russling and a comotion. My son had taken out his iguana (Pepi) to play with and the iguana had gotten lose--ran across the hall into Willow's room, right into the baby monitor--and Michael caught him. When I arrived, Pepi was on Michael's arm, Michael and Pepi was in his room...and I finally got him to bed--and then I heard the russling and movement of Willow...who promptly cried....

Michael drifted off to sleep within a 1/2 hour of the iguana incident, Willow took a bit longer for us to resettle her--we went to bed around 3 a.m.

Show & Tell #30

Tonight we went out to see one of our favorite groups--The Alloy Orchestra.

They are a group of musicians that compose and perform music for silent movies.

I learned about these guys on NPR about fifteen years ago. They combine one of my favorite things, movies, with another favorite--live performance.

We have seen many of their performances, and I enjoy bringing Michael to them when we can. He saw his first silent movie with a musical performance by The Alloy Orchestra (it was The Black Pirate). Tonight, however, was more of an adult movie. It was called The Last Command. I was very impressed by this film, which is noted for being the first movie given a best actor academy award. One of the reasons I love going to these performances is that I find hidden classics.

I love silent movies and enjoyed the evening.



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Week One---At Liberty

Well, more than 1/2 way through week one of unemployment, I must say this week has not been what I expected.

I had decided that after 10 years of working, I deserved to wallow in my own self pity and crapulance for a week. On that note, I left the daycare/after school schedules to be "normal" for one last week. This was supposed to give me a chance to--sleep in late, eat chocolate and other comfort food, watch decandent daytime t.v./movies--all in all, be a depressed, self-pitying bum. Oh, yes, I had plans to do to set up a few things, but nothing too much.

All that changed on Monday. First, our daycare provider called in sick--so my first day of depression was modified by having a 10 month old trying to (a) eat the mouse cord (b) eat pizza with mommy and (c) drain all the blood from my arm while sleeping there and NO WHERE ELSE.

Then, without any prompting on my part, two staffing agencies called me--and I was all set to go into Boston, not once, but twice this week.

Tuesday brought an appointment in Boston. And then shopping for a printer cartridge for our printer so I could print an application for the next day's appointment in Boston. Going to the local Staples for the cartridge, I figured I might as well check on the gym next door. And I signed up to join monthly at a great low price! (I have a treadmill and bike at home, but I wanted to add something more and to get out of the house) I have an appointment tomorrow for an hour and 1/2 assessment at the gym.

I came home--and another agency called with an actual opportunity with a pre-screen interview. So I scheduled that trip into Boston to be before my other appointment in Boston.

So, today, I went into Boston again. Went to the two appointments (got a good workout walking between them).

Whew!!
The good news--haven't had time to really wallow in that crapulance yet.

Next week starts the New Normal that I have now set up (job hunting is an everyday event--but doesn't take all day) :

Mondays - Hang out with Willow (Do errands, etc.)
Tuesdays - Willow goes to daycare and I go to the gym and/or interviews
Wednesdays - Hang out with Willow and go to a YMCA class with her
Thursdays - Willow goes to daycare and I go to the gym and/or interviews
Fridays - Hang out with Willow (Do errands, etc.)

Karate Moves

This Saturday before class Michael decided to show me some of his karate moves. He has been doing karate since he was 4 years old. He is a green belt--I think the next belt is purple, then brown, then black.






Willow cheering him on, playing with a karate headband.

Show & Tell #29

Total Confusion This Year--or, how I love hotels...

This year's Total Confusion Gaming Convention was a bit different, as we had Willow along for the ride.

One of the things I love about going to a gaming convention is that it is like a mini-vacation. You stay at a hotel room, you are in different environments, you have looser rules, you have a pool and restaurants nearby.

Also, it is nice to play in a role-playing game until 2 a.m. (like I did on that Friday night) and not worry about driving home--nope, you just walk a few yards away to your hotel room.

We had a good time this year. Michael did not play as many games this year as last year (although he did play Clay Wars again). He did get into a card D&D-like game and a new Munchkin Game.

Willow also had a blast--but she does anywhere she goes...

Some photos from this year:

Michael had to come with a wide variety of his stuffed toys (that he lately has been sleeping with). They include: General Grievous from Star Wars; Death (from Monty Python); Cthullu (of course!) and his various webkinz (a gecko named Pepi Jr.; an otter named Otis; a gorilla named Anthony; a snake named Spike; and a bat named---um, I forgot--he tried Dracula, but it was taken) He arranged these, btw.



Meanwhile, Willow had a more modest arrangement--but it included a new Cthullu just for her! Her favorite stuffed toy at the moment tho--Grinch (or Grinchy as we call him).


Awww...who's the little god of death and destruction now???



Willow liked hotel life...


The shirt that is obscurred says "I'm still in Beta"


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Last Day

Tomorrow is my last day at a job that I have worked at almost 10 years. When I started, it was just after my maternity leave with Michael. I was a new mother of a five month old at a new job.

It was not a job that I studied for in university. It was a job that I decided to take because I had chosen family over my chosen career path. It was a job that was not always intellectually challenging, but I found it fullfilling nonetheless.

I learned those ten years. I learned how to be a working mother. I was happy to have a flexible job with people who I enjoyed working with. And I did learn job skills that will help me move forward.

I also learned how to balance my work life with my real life. It was a hard decision for me to give up my career for a "9-5" job. But I would not give up what I gained for anything. I was able to enjoy my son and my husband more. We were able to become a family. I was even able to give up a raise to have one day a week off to be with my son for a few years before he went to kindergarten.

My job was very family friendly--I remember many times Michael coming in when he was sick or had a school holiday/day off--going on an empty computer or doing homework in the small conference room. I remember taking him out for lunch at the chinese restaurant nearby. I remember sometimes bringing him in the morning and picking up McDs for breakfast--us eating it together in the conference room before anyone else had gotten in.

I also remember Michael being about 2 years old, playing with a large empty Water Refill bottle in the hallway.

I guess in a way, I miss the fact that ten years are gone--that Michael is tied to this place as assuredly as I am. That Willow will never experience these things.

Stupid economy.

[Next time, a more upbeat post--with Pictures!]

Anxiety

Anxiety

Plays tricks with the head

Often depresses the soul

Deflates the body

Paranoid or real fears—

They are all the same

Is there a way out?

Of course there is…

In your heart

In your child’s eyes

In your child’s giggle

In your lover’s embrace

My Science Baby (Musings at 10 months)

Time plays tricks on me and sometimes I just assume you were always here (how quickly that can happen, within a space of 10 months you have become part of our family). I see you in front of me and realize you are not the figment of my imaginings that often rumbled around my head and heart for those many years. No, you are flesh and blood and you are mine.

How can I explain my need for you? Some people would say that we were lucky to have your brother (and that is true), but I knew in my heart that our family was missing someone. Sometimes the hurt that came from not having you in our lives made me question your need to exist. Sometimes I had to turn away with a sense of dread—wondering if the path not taken was the path instead.

It took a long time for us to go down that path and go to the clinic. Being a science fiction geek, I tend to imagine you being mixed up and concocted in a laboratory with fizzy test tubes and electrodes* a scientist with a white fright wig on and sneer, glaring until finally declaring---IT’S ALIVE!!

---hmmm…I think I digressed a bit there….

What I did not imagine is what a wonderful little person you are. How beautiful your eyes are, what a wonderful fluff of hair you have. That tooth, slowly poking through and that hint of personality…all brought together by your mom, dad and a little bit of science. Look what we did! We created you—you, a unique person, our science baby! I am so very proud of what we were able to accomplish. I am so very proud of you. I love you, my daughter.


* although by then I had read and found out all I could about IVF/ICSI, I think I still tend toward my melodramatic tendencies

Sick - Updated

So, all this winter I have read posts from various people on how sick their infants are. Each time, I was happy that we were so fortunate, and I thought to myself--I would rather be sick than have my kids be sick. So, it shouldn't surprise me that I am sick. Possibly my last week of work (its open ended when I will be done with my obligation) and I have been gone home sick two days so far. All the familiar stuff--I think its the flu (guess who did not have a chance to get a flu shot, while the rest of the family did??)

UPDATE: I guess I spoke too soon--Michael is now sick too. I am a bit more paranoid right now because recently a 12 year old boy died of the flu around here. So, I could have struggled again today at work, but I choose to take the day off--I wanna take care of my boy.

The good news, I wasn't sick during the gaming convention. We had a fun time and I think it was a good break for everyone. I enjoyed playing a role playing game and I also got to go in the pool with the kids a few times. Willow and Michael behaved very well, and Uncle John was there to help out. I was even able to get Willow a little cuddy Cthullu of her own!

Gone Gaming

February means two things to me. My son’s birthday (which seems to usually be a week long bacchanalia, what with presents coming in the mail, his birthday party usually a week before hand, etc.). His party on Sunday was a hit--some parents were talking about it the next day! The kids ran around "battling" instructors dressed up as Trolls and Ghosts, etc. The kids had foam swords and square padded shields and some people had packets of magic (foam balls/squares). At one point I saw my son (who, as was optional, dressed up in a costume) negotiate with a Cave Troll--by trying to pawn off his costume medallion. A lot of running around and screaming ensued. I then put D&D miniatures on his cake and the kids had cake, fruit and pizza. One kid ate 7 pieces of pizza! Michael also got some REALLY cool gifts--a Star Wars Clone Trooper Gun (Nerf), Night Goggles, a model Gargoyle, a Lego D&D Set, etc.

This weekend is the other major event in February, Total Confusion. We started going to Total Con when Michael was about 3-4 years old. We started making it an overnight destination when he was about 5 years old. Now, it is an annual tradition. It is fun to get away from home (but yet, not too far—its about an hour away). We stay overnight at the hotel where the gaming convention is held and each of us have games (role playing, board games, video games, etc.) to play. I even make a CHART (yes, I am organizational madwoman!) to make sure I know who is with the baby and who is gaming where.

This year will be Willow’s first Total Confusion, but not her first gaming convention—she went for a two day stint last July. This will be for three days, two nights, in a hotel with a mobile baby…should be interesting!

It is fun to see the same people each year, it is fun to devote time to being a family doing something we all love. And it is sooo geeky! ☺

I am looking forward (and a bit nervous) to a role playing horror game I am playing on Friday night. I usually stick to board games, so role playing is not my forte (that is usually the Husbands realm). But I have heard such great things about this GM (Game Master) from my husband, that I had to take a stab at it. (And husband gets to try out dealing with the kids at night in a hotel room—usually my forte!)

Tonight will be devoted to packing up our stuff…ugh, I realize now WHY I was happy Michael was out of the baby years…so much STUFF!!!

Nineteen Years

Nineteen years ago, someone came up behind me. I felt his presence, but was unknowing of his name (I had met him the previous night, we talked until 3 a.m.—I am not good with names). We walked and talked for hours. Both of us scared, both of us not sure of what we were starting.
We ate at Burger King in the student union. I paid for our dinner (I was on work-study and had a job, he did not). We walked across campus to his dorm room, he lived 25 mins. away from where I lived. Later that night, he walked me back to my dorm and then walked back to his dorm. It was February in Michigan—there was snow on the ground, and a hole in his shoe (I would not know about until later).

Our first date, nineteen years ago.

This date, in many ways, is far more important than our wedding anniversary…so, we make the time to remember.

Tonight we are going to go out and have a nice dinner, our children safe at home with a sitter. (He may actually have a hole in his shoe…)

Honest Scrap Meme

From Fertilized.

The rules for this award:

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
The list:

1. I have not gone to bed before 12 a.m. for about 2 months. And its not the kids (generally speaking) keeping me up. I guess there is just not enough time in the day.

2. I am deathly afraid of the fact that soon there will be "enough time in the day". I worry about PPD, I worry about feeling isolated and alone. I worry about finding a job.

3. I am having a hard time getting my exercise and nutrition routine back on track since being pregnant. Sometimes it is me, sometimes it is life. I get things going, then road blocks appear. I keep trying to get back to the way things were before, and I have not figured out to get this piece of my life in order yet.

4. Okay, okay, I bought Willow a dress (and matching tights!) for this spring. Totally, usually, not my thing...but it's so CUTE!

5. I don't know all the words to most of the nursery songs I start to sing to Willow. I can't believe I have forgotten them. Now, at least, I have the internet
to save me.

6. Guilty pleasure television: Amazing Cakes, Bridezillas, Clean House. What Not to Wear.

7. I really don't get the hype over weddings. I am sorry, I just don't get it. Yet, I watch Whose Wedding is it Anyway? And every time, I go to myself--throwing money away for what?

8. It is 11 p.m. and I hear Willow starting to stir--and it chills my bones. (Please go back to sleep, girly girl)

9. I am still astounded at seeing my daughter's name in print.

10. I enjoy bath time with the kids.

My 7 blog recommendations (please go visit them):

Rachel

Stop the Train...

Christy

Valerie

Jen

Neenie

Kate

Show & Tell #28

Tomorrow we are throwing Michael's birthday party. February 21st my son will be ten years old. I cannot believe it. Seeing Willow start down the path of toddlerhood, I remember back to when my son was that old...

Here he is at his 2nd Birthday party:




Last weekend, while we were baby-proofing and cleaning the house up, I found some of his birthday gifts from that party...


We found one of these fish maracas last week, it is now Willow's (hopefully we will find the other one soon).





Michael loved this book. It is a book of "animagicals": "Twelve different interactive spreads pose witty rhyming riddles courtesy of poet Carol Diggory Shields, accompanied by Croatian artist Svjetlan Junakovic's whimsical and lovely paintings of musical instruments. Fold out the flap, and the spread extends to a surprise "animagical"--a creative morphing of instrument and animal. The first spread, for example, leads with the following riddle-rhyme: "I plod through the desert / ba-rumpity-bump. / My drums keeping time, / ka-thumpity-thump. / Bumpity, thumpity, / rumpity, thump, / I am a..." Open up the page flap, and the drums reveal themselves to be a "camel, with a drum on each hump.""
We found this book last week in his bookcase, the flaps worn from use.

(oh gosh...is he really going to be ten?!)


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Adventure Mom

I have been called an adventurous mom. Which I often find ludicrous, as I find that the reasons that I am considered “adventurous” are some of the main reasons I had kids in the first place. I love new experiences. I love doing all sorts of things; I love exploring new things, different things. I take my kid (now kids) to museums, overnight camps, theater shows, etc. I like sharing my love of things with my children. I hope that they learn something, either about the program/event that we are doing, about themselves, about life in general. I at least hope they gain a curiosity of the world around them.

I think that Michael has a great capacity for learning. He is a sponge and it makes me proud that I have a least a small part in shaping his interest in the world around him.

Two recent situations reminded me of this “adventure-some” spirit.

Through Cub Scouts, I was e-mailed details of an African choir (local Zimbabweans) singing at the church that holds the monthly pack meetings. I took note that it was this Sunday, but since it even said on the e-mail that it was not a religious event, I thought it would be a singing program. The invitation was for everyone, and if our Cub Scout came, he was to wear his uniform. We packed ourselves up and went this Sunday. Into a church (remember, we are atheists. Okay, atheist and a cultural Jew—definitely not ones to be in a church on a Sunday—I felt like hissing like a cat or vampire). The choir was going to perform during the church service. At that point, my husband was motioning to “get the hell out of here”. But, being Adventurous Mom, I decided we should stay—it’s a good experience to see what others do on a Sunday, right? (and, being in his Cub Scout uniform and us with an infant, we kind of stood out already). And I am happy to report that we had a good time. We saw the choir; the hymns included “We Shall Overcome” and several traditional African songs. There was mention of the strife in Africa and of civil rights. And then my son went down with the other kids for a bit. To talk about the bible—they asked how many stories are in the bible. Whereupon my son said “Six Hundred and Sixty-Six?” (Fully knowing why he was saying that). We stayed until after the priest’s sermon (which was actually good). Were we converted? No. Did we learn something? Yes.

The other thing that happened was this morning. I saw that the Museum of Science is sponsoring Tall Ship boat tours of the harbor this summer. It’s a 90-minute tour on a boat in the harbor, talking about the Tall Ships visiting the harbor. On the web site it said “not recommended for children under 3 years old” “if you have an infant in your party, please call for reservation”. So, I dutifully called. I wondered if it was a safety issue. I wondered if it was an issue because they wanted you to pay a certain amount for the infant. No. They did not recommend it for infants because “they would be stuck on the boat for 90 mins and would not be able to get off for any reason”. Umm…okay…I guess I am an Adventurous Mom, cuz I really don’t see a reason that that would be a problem. I mean, Willow, at four months, traveled in a car for hours on end. I think she can handle a tour boat.

Sometimes being an Adventurous Mom is just knowing that the world is out there for you and your children to explore. Not to be afraid of.

Perfect Moment Monday

Moment # 1:

Just me and my son. Getting our hair cut. Finished, getting ready to go home. “Do you want to pick up something for lunch, or just…” “Well, mom…there is the Wendy’s right over there…” I am thinking of just going through the drive-thru. I want to get home, I want to see my husband and daughter. My son wants to go inside to eat (where my temptation to have some very fattening food awaits). I relent. We go inside, I eat my good-but-not-good-for-me food. And we play the games suggested by the kids meal bag…a matching game, an eye spy game. I enjoy this small moment between me and my son.

Moment #2:

I am holding her. She puts her small arm around my neck and squeezes. The first actual hug from my daughter.

Moment #3:

We moved all Michael’s toys up to his room this weekend. Through the years, some contingency of his toys has been neatly (and sometimes not so neatly) kept in the corner of the living room. Now, as part of baby proofing, his toys are now all upstairs in his room (some of them are being given to charity, some are being saved for Willow). Toys that go in that corner are now going to be Willow’s toys. I had not thought about the emotional impact of this. Until I looked at my husband’s expression. Our first born is growing up before our eyes.

See more Perfect Moments.

Show & Tell #27

I do not wear a lot of jewerly, but I do like bracelets, especially charm bracelets. Here are some that I have:

This is my newest one:

It has both Michael's birthstones and Willow's birthstones.





Here are a couple I got a few years ago to commerate my obsession with Dr. Who.

(I like wearing these geeky ones at conventions--I am especially proud of the Tardis!)




The first bracelet I ever got from my son. He made this for me at daycare when he was 3 years old. I was so touched that he made this specifically for me, I wore it every day for about a year--hence why it is really kinda dirty...



And finally, my fondness for bracelets has not gone unnoticed by my son, this is what he got me for a birthday present a couple of years ago:

Echos

Being at work, knowing that soon it will not be my work anymore. Already I am not doing my job, as I am only contracted to do the filing. I feel a bit distant. I go down the hall, expecting to hear a certain person's voice on the phone...she is not there. I leave for the day and I look at the corner office, expecting to see another co-worker still working in her office. One whole section of our office is empty. It is eerie.

I have been at this company for 10 years. I have saved voice mail messages throughout the years. I have the first phone message I ever got from my son. He was 4years old and he was talking to me about Spongebob. He sounds so small. He hesitates, and stammers out about a new Spongebob computer game that he has started playing. His voice with a South Boston accent from his daycare providers. I have my husband talking about an incident during Michael's first grade...the high school was being built, and there was a gas leak, so the fire trucks were out and the school was waiting for the all clear to let the kids go in. He talks about how the kids were going up to the first grade teacher saying that they don't want to be at school. I have a voice mail from my brother when he had just moved up here and was trying to be cheerful despite his heart just being broken from a divorce.

All these messages that I saved throughout the years will be deleted. This morning, I brought my video camera in and I videotaped the phone and played the voice mail messages. I videotaped my working space...my pictures of my husband and I before the kids, our chinchillas, various Michael pictures and drawings that he has made when he has come into work with me and the new pictures of Willow.

Soon I will be gone and all that will be left will be echos.

Milestones

Willow went to her 9 month wellness check up today. She is 17 lbs. 12 oz. and she is 27 inches.
The doctor said she is very expressive (she was really putting on a show for him).

In nine months I have seen her change from a helpless little being to a spunky almost-toddler. It struck me today how much she has “turned on” in the last few weeks. She is crawling and pulling herself up. She is eating cherrios, pizza crusts, rice, the occasional magazine cover…

But aside from all the wonderful physical milestones, I am starting to see glimmers of her personality. She has definite preferences in toys (and the types of toys) she likes. She beams whenever one of us comes in the room. She follows the cat with her eyes with an expression of love and want. (Wait a week or so, Gabby, then you will to run out of her way). She giggles at things. She dances to music, and she is curious curious curious about the world around her. Even her clingy-ness lately is a sign that she is growing up.

She is officially been outside my body longer than she was in. And I am so very grateful for her.

Show & Tell #26

This is going to be a Tell instead of a Show. This morning, my husband let me sleep in (I have a nasty cold and I have been up most the night the past couple of nights). When I got up, I came downstairs. My husband was playing with Willow on the floor. When Willow saw me--she CRAWLED across the room to me. Purposely with her tummy off the floor and her knees and arms moving. It was her first time crawling, and my husband, my son and I got to see it together!

Flippety Flop

Today is officially my last day. It is officially the last day for 4 others here.

I am lucky however. Last week my boss asked if I could stay another month to clean up the mess. Well, he did not say that specifically—basically I will not be doing my job anymore. I will be gathering up the files and integrating them from the various empty offices. When I am done, so-and-so’s office will have no files. No life. I am The Filer of Death!!

Today my stomach is going flippety-flop. Missing people who are still here (who have no idea that I have a reprieve); missing my job that will be gone soon.

My stomach is also flipping because I got a call from the agency. They have a temp to perm job that might work for me. Lower pay. Good hours and 10 mins from my house. There is also a message on my machine (so my husband vaguely tells me) about another position. (I cannot access remotely our new answering machine—ARGGH!). Could either of these prospects actually turn into anything? Or are they just a high point on which I will fall down as I ride the roller coaster of the job hunt?

My stomach is also growling. Our company is going to do one last hurrah. Get a pink slip –get a free lunch!

Perfect Moment Monday

Perfect Moment #1:

I haven't given him a bath in a while. I usually draw his bath, maybe wash his hair. But he is bigger now. Almost 10 years old. So, I usually let him wash himself, while I go off to do the many other tasks at hand. Last night, I wanted to spend time with him. Just me and my son. So, I scrubbed him down. We talked about how the Romans used spoons to dig out the dirt, instead of sponges. We talked about how perfumes were used in Egyptian times. Somehow Spongebob was quoted. In other words, a typical discussion with my son. He has gotten so big. He barely is contained in the bathtub now--his legs have to bend a bit so that his feet touch the end of the tub. I marvel at this child, this boy, who has grown from a small baby to this wonderful boy.

Perfect Moment #2:

This morning, getting ready to leave the bedroom. She is in her daddy's arms, getting ready to be dressed. He has just taken her off the bassinet/changing table in our room. He puts the bassinet part back on with one hand, while holding her. As he talks to me, I see her. She is trying to grab onto the bassinet, but she is not close enough. It is just out of reach. While talking to him, I push the bassinet closer, just enough so she can grab it. She grabs it, and as she does, she gives me a secret smile.



Go visit other Perfect Moments Here.

Show & Tell #25

Yesterday, our friend Ana came over for a visit. Not only is she great with kids, she also is great with animals. She has a German shepherd puppy, named Rykka (reeka). Ana brought Rykka and her German Shepherd Grandmother--Jule (yule-lee). Jule is a care dog, specially trained to be taken to nursing homes, etc. Which means she is really gentle and can stand pokes and prods.

Ana had just had the dogs out exercising, so they were both tired.

And the kids enjoyed hanging out with Jule.



Willow checking out Jule's paw. (Yes, animals have fingers and toes too!)


Willow likes to pull hair--we are trying to teach her to pet our cat, but at the moment, hair pulling wins out. Jule doesn't mind at all. Michael is snuggling Jule. He closed his eyes and was sleeping with her for a few minutes before we brought Willow in...


Pictures taken by Ana's cell phone camera.

The Tale of our Television…a story about the economy we live in

About 5-6 months ago (before the collapse of Wall Street), when things were only “pretty bad”, we decided to buy a new television. Okay, we didn’t decide, our old television did. Anyway, we went to Circuit City and bought a 40 inch television. The brand name was Polaroid, who was filing for bankruptcy at the time, hence why it was a little cheaper. No problem, we have a service contract and warranty (and my feeling on things like Televisions/DVD players—as long as it’s a brand that you have heard of—its all the same stuff). So, New Years Day—the television blew up—sparks and everything. Calling Circuit City, they said they would have a repair guy (a subcontractor) come out and pick it up. A week later, we called and the repair man said that he was waiting for a part.

Today he called. Well, Polaroid is gone. Circuit City is shutting down. The part to repair the television is not forthcoming. The repair man said that we will be getting a refund. I am not sure from whom, but they assured us that we will get a refund. Because Circuit City will not do exchanges. Because like almost every company in the U.S.—they are going out of business or in trouble.

Once we get our money back, I guess we will go to one of the few stores that is doing well right now---Target or Walmart.

The Rollercoaster

One of my favorite scenes in movies is from Parenthood.

[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

That pretty much sums up my feelings about life in general and being a parent specifically.

But, I have found that there are some Roller Coaster rides that I don't like. The Roller Coaster of infertility and IVF, with the injections, tests and dreaded 2 week wait. That ride I could have done without.

And now I am on another Roller Coaster ride that I do not like. The job hunt. The perpetual wait for an interview, a call back, a rejection letter. A wait for more jobs to open up. The giddy-ness of finding a job that you think would be perfect, only to sink to depression when the job is taken by someone else (or made into a Part Time job only!) Add to the fact that the economy sucks, everyone is laid off...ugh--I have only begun the ride and I am feeling sick...

Book Tour #16: An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

Time once again for a Book Tour...

Book: An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination
Author: Elizabeth McCracken

This was a tough book to get through, as the subject is about a still birth. Other than loss blogs, I have not read very much on this subject, so I was especially struck by the straight forwardness of the author, as well as the ocassional humor throughout the book.

Onto the questions:

I was so moved by the writing and emotion in this book, and I wanted to pass it along to many people just because it's a great book, but I realized that a dead baby book is an awkward and probably inappropriate gift for most people. While reading, was there anybody that you wanted to give the book to? Why? Did you pass it along to anyone? If not, what held you back? Is it more appropriate for a woman who has lost a baby to give out a loss book than a woman who has not? What about a woman who has lost a baby, but the loss is unknown to the recipient -- does the gift expose her secret? Would you give the book to a woman that you know has lost a child?

I did not think to pass it along. Partially because I have never had such a loss, partially because I almost feel that this is a book that is most appropriate for people who have experienced such a loss. I would give this book to a woman who has lost a child. I think that, just like the loss blog community, it would be a great help to read someone who has experienced such a loss.

My favourite line of the book comes on page 103: "Closure is bullshit." In your opinion (whether or not you have experienced pregnancy loss yourself), is this true or false?

If I could, I would have a bumper sticker made saying that. It is so very very true. I do think that there are some things in life that you can never have closure on. I think death is one of those things where the living often feel like they would like to just talk to the dead one last time, or see them one last time, etc. That is a longing for closure. But there is no closure and can never be.

McCracken states that her only regret regarding Pudding, was that she didn't hold him. Would you hold your baby in the same situation?

That was one of the few things that I could not relate to was her decision not to hold him. I have never dealt with such a loss, but if I had...I would have held him and they probably would have had to rip him out of my arms. I mean, I held him in my body for months on end--why would I not want to hold him then? I very much would want that tangible something to remember him.