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Showing posts from 2017

Sensitivies

A few nights ago...                               She comes over to the edge of our bed (my side). She cannot sleep, she says...she always has troubles falling asleep at night, but for some reason the last few nights have been worse.  Finally, I ask in desperation, "Well, is it better for me to come to your room and sit with you, or just have you come in our bed?" She said "Please can I cuddle?".  
                              So, pushed to the far end of my bed, with an already immovable  asleep object on the other side (Hi there, Chewy!).  We laid down, and I held her close...and I brushed her hair with my hand.  She said "Will you promise me something?"  "Sure." "Please don't die until you are at least 100 years old, okay?!" It is late, she is beautiful and warm and so worried and mine.  I lie.  "Of course, hon.  I promise."   She falls asleep, as I lay there and wonder at life and everything.
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Remeberances

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Today is my mom's birthday.  Normally, the scramble to some how find a time and place to celebrate, to coordinate (especially since my brother's birthday is also this month)...normally the "hassle" of this would come into play (at least a little).  Well.  There is year, starts the years of knowing that there are no more birthdays, at least with her here.

It was quieter this year..and made me feel a little guilty that daily life can sometimes make these celebrations seem just mandatory intrusions into our busy lives.  I will be more mindful of this, or at least I will try, when other such celebrations occur.

Today, my brother and sister in law and my nieces came by this morning.  We had a breakfast together and had pancakes and scambled eggs and fruit and carrot cake.  (No freckle...not enough people like that special egg concoction that our Grandma and Mom made...perhaps another time...)

We had a pleasant morning.  Then we each lit a memorial candle, remembering he…

Schooling...

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The School Year has begun!

Willow is in Fourth Grade--which is a big transition grade.  Lots of homework, lots less recess and free time--cursive and typing, math and essays....it was not fun the last go 'round...lets see how mom and Willow do this year...I will be cursing homework at some point...that is a given.

But, she likes her teacher, and she is liking the rest of the classwork.

She is still having issues with math.  I am trying to help her memorize the multiplication tables.  Last night, there was an actual tender moment with her and Michael, where she asked him if math ever got better.  He actually gave her good advice and pointed out that sometimes it gets easier when the concepts click, and it is hard when you cannot understand it--but you will get it.  It was a nice moment of brotherly love and advice.







Meanwhile, Michael is going to Mass Bay.  He likes his professors and classes so far.  The big issue is trying to get the transportation working correctly.  This is hi…

Moment in time...

She lies beside me.  Dad has gotten up...she seems to have radar...replaces him beside me in bed.  I look at her, I hug her...and I look at her...her eyes shut, her lips parted just a bit, her hair framing her face.  I am trying to make a picture in my mind of this moment, this Willow...this little girl who I adore and love.  Right now.  This moment.  Before she grows another inch, another month, another day, another minute older.

Cape Cod 2017 and Summer Ending

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So...it is September 1st.  The year has gone by a lot quicker than I expected it (and I expected it to go fast).  It seems like it was just the beginning of 2017 just a few months ago.  Just a few days ago, we were watching Michael Graduate....and now...in a few more days he will be starting college classes....

Before then...a recap of our annual Cape Cod trip:


We stayed in an efficiency in Wellfleet - where Michael learned that he did not like cutting onions, after saying..."Well, I don't see what the big deal is...I am not crying..." then he tried to eat a piece of onion...um...that worked....
Technology meant that I could continue Binge watching "Switched at Birth" on my cellphone...and continue to receive text messages of condolences...
We did the Clambake at Silver Beach again...which was partially rained out, but we did get our sunset on the beach (and s'mores with a fire pit!)
We laughed at the Drive-In selections and watched Spider-man again...
We had po…

Persistence of Memory

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.” - Tenth Doctor

A week ago, we were in Provincetown at a beach.

Two weeks ago, I was with my brother in a room watching my mother die.

Three weeks ago, those things were in the future...unknown.

Time is fluid. Time is straight.  Time is everywhere around me and in my thoughts.  It slips away, as summer goes into fall.  As school approaches.  As holidays come and go.

Various memories of the past two weeks mix together in a weird conglomeration of sadness, happiness...the strange things that pop up in my mind:


feeding my mom a nutter butter (at her request, one of the last she made to me)me badly singing along to Beach Boys and Beatles to try and amuse her (and myself)getting a much needed break from the mundane with a restful trip to Cape Cod when I really needed it...I need more beach t…

RIP, Mom

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Sometimes life is cliche.  My mom was dealing with melanoma for the past three years and at the beginning of the year, it was decided that treatments were not working and she should go into hospice.  She moved to a closer facility, she was doing better without the treatments.  We visited her more often because she was closer...and that was the biggest thing she wanted.  She desperately wanted to be near her children and grandchildren, who she was very proud of and who she would brag up to anyone in earshot.  
So.  Just a couple of Sundays ago...we took this picture:



The next Friday, she started to take a turn for the worse.
This morning, she passed away.
Her death was known.  Her death was sudden.  I am glad she will not be in any pain anymore. But it sucks that she did not get any more time with the people she loved.
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I had a complicated relationship with my mother.  
However, one thing I can say without reservation is that she did her best to be th…

A mess of thoughts...

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Kinda a mess of thoughts right now, many times I have wanted to write, but haven't had the energy, or time or words...

As usual, life and death and everything...
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Willow hasn't been sleeping well lately.  Who can really blame her?  I haven't really slept well since November...
She has never been my sleeping kid.  Always my energizer bunny.  But, lately, she has had a rough time falling asleep.  Usually, once she is asleep she is fine...but this past week, she has had nightmares and has come into our bed frequently.
We have tried lots of methods to get her to sleep.  Discipline, no discipline, melatonin, no melatonin, reading in bed, not reading in bed.  Bedtime routines and non-traditional bedtime routines.  I know it is partially the summer.  I know it is partially hormones on her part.  I know it is partially an ennui on our part.
I think the vacation next week on Cape Cod will help to do a reset...and we will start the climb back to a semi-norma…