Work - Baby Shower

My work threw me a little baby shower with Thai food, really neat cupcakes, decorations, etc. It was a pleasant surprise and very heartwarming. Due to various circumstances, we never had a baby shower when I was pregnant with Michael, and it was very sweet and thoughtful this time around.

I already knew they were going to do something, as I could tell on my registry they bought me a travel system , which was wrapped beautifully. Something we really needed, too!

They were trying for a surprise, although I kinda knew what was going on since people were spending a lot of time in the large conference room. When I got there, they had decorated the room with balloons and confetti. Here are some pictures of the stuff after I brought them home. (My boss videotaped everything, so I am sure I will have a record of my bright red blushing face...)

Very cute cupcakes with the safari theme kept in mind...they made sure to get enough so Michael and husband would have some...




Michael having a hippo cupcake.


Balloons and confetti--they made sure not to do much PINK (a color I actually hate)...






They also got me this really cute bottle warmer/rattle.

Cthullu Wears Diapers!

We went to the Sibling Class at the hospital today. Michael was the only boy in the class. There were four other girls, ranging in age from 3 years old to 5 years. Michael was also the oldest (no surprise there). He liked the class, especially since he could act as the more "mature" one (oh yeah, he will make a great big brother!)

They first made "welcome cards" to their siblings.


Michael wrote: "You are now zero" and drew a hamburger (I have no idea what is up with the hamburger). Zero refers to the fact that he considers since it will be her birthday (but not being 1 years old yet) that she will be zero years old. He also got a piece of paper that said "Hooray, I am a big brother!" and he is supposed to put one of his favorite photos of himself on it and decorate it.



Then they were taught how to diaper a baby.


Cuddling the "baby". (I was so proud that he brought a monster--and Cthullu no less!)



After also learning to hold a baby, the class went to the nursery and was able to see a newborn baby. Then the instructor took pictures of "your family now"--kinda creepy photo (we both had just got up and went,had no breakfast yet, etc. and Michael wanted to be silly), but oh well...we CAN be creepy--we have a MONSTER in diapers, for gosh sakes!:



During the class, we also read books about being a sibling. And I showed Michael how to burp a baby. It was kinda hard, cuz Cthullu has spikes on his back (!)

All day Michael has been singing "Cthullu is wearing a diaper" and he went to sleep tonight cuddling up with Cthullu still in the diaper.

Book Tour - Embryo Culture: Making Babies in the Twenty-First Century by Beth Kohl

Embryo Culture is an interesting book about infertility and the process of IVF through a woman who went through it. It is the first book I have read that has not only the scientific and clinical perspectives outlined into the story, but also the emotional roller-coaster that one feels while dealing with the whole process. While her experience was far different from mine, I enjoyed reading about her journey.

The author describes her journey through infertility both in terms of a faith journey and a process of scientific discovery. How has infertility impacted your faith journey and your views of science/technology?


Being an athiest, I found the religious discussion in the book to be an interesting perspective on the subject. For me personally, I never had a question on the moral or spiritual issues involved in infertility treatments. One of my issues with religion as a whole is that the institutions are often more than willing to tell their flocks what things are forbidden to them but yet, will not offer up some help with the alternatives. I still feel that there are many ways that the religious community could help support people going through infertility, and in my time in the blogsphere have noticed that faith is something strong for many women (and men) going through this tough journey. I hope that each person that seeks solace in their religion have been able to find support and guidance through the journey--but I worry that, like in the rest of the society, infertility is just not addressed like it should be.

As for my views of science/technology: Going in I had every confidence in the scientific basis of ART. It was overwhelming, and I was not totally "into" all the science involved (before going through this myself, I had a vague sense of the fact shots were involved, that it used to be called "test tube babies", etc.). Going through my first IVF/ICSI cycle, I put what "faith" I could into the clinic--"Look, the doctors had found the problem, they know the solution, we are doing all we can--IT WILL WORK!" When the first cycle failed, I had to go back and realize how many times the doctors were qualifying their statements and often pointed out to me that this cycle was "promising" (re: not the "miracle of science" that I was hoping for). It struck me how often the doctors (even in my "world class" clinic) were having to "guess" as to what protocols would work. The science foundations are there, the success rates are amazing--but, it is still often a matter of "luck"!

Going through the next cycle, I was much more my typical cynical/scientific self and going through the two week wait was far more clinical to me. I read through statistics I had not bothered to go through before--I was more experienced at the loss side of the coin. And when I got that BFP, I was actually surprised because I had come to the conclusion that while science has come a long way in the ART process--it still has a long way to go. The good news is that they are coming up with new processes and techniques all the time--one process I read about was a better way to distinguish viability in embryos, making the transfer of better and more mature embryos more likely in the future.

The author talks about how many embryos should be transferred at any given cycle. Should there be a limit?

I do think there should be a limit on how many embryos are transfered. I think new techniques in establishing what embryos are most viable will make this something that will not be an issue in later ART techniques. As is the adage around the IF block--it only takes one--its the quality not the quantity of embryos. It is better for the mother and better for the embryos themselves.

Beth makes certain that she tracks how she and her husband respond to infertility in different ways - through diagnosis, debates about treatment, and how infertility is perceived in the "normal" world. Do you find such differences between yourself and your significant other(s)? Was it difficult to determine upon a course of treatment due to those differences?

My husband and I have a lot in common and often agree on things. But, as with any of the big decisions in our lives, we usually have different perspectives that do play a role and often we compromise (sometimes internally) to come to a common ground. (Meaning, we arrive at the same conclusions but in different ways).

When we started having problems having our second child, we both thought it was more of a time and effort issue—we needed to make more time in our schedules for intimacy, we needed to track ovulation, etc. During the first part of trying for the second one, we had a lot of other issues coming up in our lives that needed more of our focus—and part of the lack of effort on our parts was denial of there being a problem.

Finally, after many discussions, both of us decided we needed to go to a fertility clinic. Then the testing began. For me, I felt that I got a lot of the testing and had to be more “in the zone” of infertility, while my husband was able to be in the background of it.

After a year’s worth of testing, etc. It was finally determined that it was male infertility. I think that in many ways that made my husband and I stop discussing what was going wrong and to go for the “solution” of IVF/ICSI. Before this diagnosis, I think I blamed myself more for the lack of progress in the baby-making and I was far more emotional about the lack of another child. I was the one that needed the emotional support and comfort, which my husband provided. But when it became an issue of his infertility, I think I took on more of the role of comforter and one of the ways I try to comfort people is in finding solutions. I think my husband was all for IVF/ICSI because to his mind, the statistics (40% success to our 2% success if via “normal” reproduction) and the science were there. For me, I think my first thought was how I could help my husband not feel worse than he already did.

Going through the process, as usual, my husband and I read and reread about IVF/ICSI and we poured over statistics, etc. Going through the process, as usual, my husband, while not being able to understand all the emotions I was going through, was there for me to comfort me. As usual, he buried his emotions and worries when he thought it was best for me not to see them …and I lightly tip-toed around his vulnerable issues and comforted him when he was not seeking comfort, but needed it. We really did have a team effort and I totally feel like this baby was an effort by the both of us.


Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Mistress's Daughter by A.M. Homes (with author participation!)

Confusion and Chaos - Updated

Our time at Total Confusion was pretty good this year. Michael enjoyed Clay Wars.



This one is Michael's creation.


Kids create their clay figure, and then they attack each other. The hand is the measurement of movement. Each person is given a special power (Michael got booger bombs; some got the "claw" which was tongs that you could attack the other creations with--smooshing them).


Michael's creation, dubbed Deathtron "aka Bob", was sliced with a ruler.




Michael also won a prize ticket for playing Dork Tower. I learned a new board game—and was part of the finals in that game. Our friend John won the finals on that game.

John and I with his prize for winning the final.


And my husband was voted (unanimously) Best Role Player in the one of the Role Playing games he played. We relaxed, ate food both good and bad for us, and enjoyed the long weekend. One of my favorite things—one of the organizers for another gaming convention that we usually go to in July told me to not to even think about not going because of the baby—she was like “More than ½ my volunteers are women—we would LOVE to take care of the baby for a few hours while you gamed or slept or whatever!!” So…um…we shall see—I was not going to go this year, but I am a bit more encouraged. (Maybe Willow might be a star attraction!)

Everything went well, except for Michael seeming to be a bit sluggish at the end of the weekend, but we thought maybe the vacation week/birthday/gaming convention excitement and the staying up later etc. was the problem. Or was it his increased dosage of his ADHD medication (?!) or what--but we got home on Sunday---and he totally crashed. He was sick with a low grade temp, but definitely not himself (and some up-chuckage in the night cemented it).

Well, he has been sick for the last couple days, and today the doctor says he has an upper respitory infection and cannot go to school tomorrow either. Not only missing going back to school after winter break, but also causing the usual 2 working parents (who stays with the sick-kid) chaos. I stayed home with him on Monday and husband stayed home today (and took him to the doc). Luckily we can both work remotely—unfortunately, that only works to limited success. Despite everything, I am actually proud how we handle these types of things. We have it down to a science. I am also lucky I have a pretty sympathetic boss and both of us are even able to bring Michael into work on those occasions that we really NEED to be in (like for a school holiday we don’t get off, etc.).

Our household is pretty well divided in the parenting department---I would say it’s sometimes 70/30 (me taking the 70%) but husband does more than his share a lot of the time, and he often sacrifices more than a lot of fathers have in the past. (Now when it comes to the domestic chores, etc. well, that doesn’t work so well—hence our maid service).

Adding to the chaos is a re-scheduled IEP meeting tomorrow (at 2 p.m.—not very convenient for a working parent). Not to mention the school work brought home today...

and then there was the ultrasound this morning.

The ultrasound went well (when I can get off the laptop and onto the computer, I will scan the pics). Technician couldn’t 100% confirm it’s a girl (her legs were closed)but she was pretty certain and its unlikely that the earlier conclusion was wrong—so, I am going to stick with her being Willow. (Despite the fact that every so often that, after being asked for the sex and me telling them, people say--well, are you sure, cuz you never know for CERTAIN--yeah, thanks for that).

These are different views of her face, sometimes with her hand in front of her mouth.




I saw her heart beating, which very amazing as I could see the four chambers and everything. I saw her tiny feet, I saw her arms and hands waving about. The tech was really helpful and pointed out that she has some hair on her head already. Also saw her stomach (like I could really tell—but the tech pointed it out). I saw her thigh bone, her head, etc. I got some nice ultrasounds of her face. At one point she had her hand up to her mouth--probably sucking her hand. At another point she looked as though she was smiling. She measured a little over 3 lbs., in the 38% range, which is totally normal. Her head was pointed down, her feet near my navel—so I definitely can say she is kicking me when I feel those bumps! She did not like being poked...and mommy did not either--an hour later, it still kinda hurt.

UPDATE: I was home again today with Michael, but he is starting to seem more normal. Hopefully a good night's sleep tonight will get him to be feeling good enough for school tomorrow. It is so hard when your son is not acting his normal self. It reminds me of all the other times he has been sick, and you just worry so much. Luckily, this time it wasn't too bad, but it is so nice to see him being so much more "Michael". :-)

Husband went to the IEP meeting yesterday, since this was the annual review it was not too complicated. Again we hear our son is brilliant (!) and a pleasure to work with (except not with his teacher, who we think is just not really in sync with him) and we hear that he is making progress, especially in his frustration issues and keeping on task. Recommendations for having him given a laptop for 4th grade (one of his issues is that he takes a long time to write things--he is perfectionist to the point of taking longer than others) and the hope is that if he can type out his papers he will be quicker. I guess some of those computer games that we have for him to learn the keyboard are going to be pulled out this summer...Luckily dad is a computer geek and Michael is pretty comfortable with computers.

Nine

Nine years ago I was in the hospital, doped up on morphine drip, occasionally breastfeeding my son who had been born at 1:23 a.m.

In a little over Nine weeks from today, I will hopefully be repeating this experience with my daughter.

OB Appointment and Nursery Progress III

Appointment went well. We talked about the scheduled C-Section and two weeks from now I will have my check up with the Dr. in the practice who will be performing the surgery. Its sometime the week of April 21st--hopefully by my next check up I will have a firm date. One of the other things I discussed with them is having another Ultrasound--I was curious if I was going to have one (being an IF Ultrasound junkie and all--its been since 18 weeks!!--I need a fix!!). The Nurse Practitioner who saw me said they actually don't do anymore ultrasounds--except if there is a problem. And as she said this (and I explained my small anxiety about not having an ultrasound), she said "Gee, I can't really tell how big she is..." [wink wink] (She really winked!) So, we have a [legit] reason for an ultrasound next Tuesday! SQUEEE! Funny, because when she explained it to me, I was all set for dealing with no more ultrasounds--and then she let me squeek on by... :-)

Here are some photos of the Nursery. It still needs a few things (like, oh, CURTAINS) but otherwise, its pretty much set. We have a friend's computer that my husband is fixing stored there right now (I tried not to get photos of it, but its there peeking out) and Ana is still finishing details on the mural (so her paints are still there too). Once I got the finishing touches in and the garbage out--I will take some final pictures of the WHOLE room.



On the shelf: A bear from a friend; and Elmo Bank and small gumball machine given by Michael; a temperature gauge (Peter Rabbit) from Michael's baby stuff;a Valentine's Day Card from my husband to Willow (saying extremely touching words about even though she is not here yet he loves her--I am keeping that FOREVER).
Left over baby books from Michael and and a few soft books I just bought.










The Rainforest Bouncer--that's from Valerie @ Adventures in Parenting (THANK YOU!)




Inside this are tons of clothes. On top--Ana's paints...


Michael picked this toy out for Willow.


This is the toy I bought for her.

B-Day Party

Michael's party was yesterday and was great fun. We had 90% attendance and while exhausting for the adults, I think everyone had a great time.
Below are some pictures...

The birthday cake. Chocolate cake with chocolate fudge on inside. (Picture of a Wii Game System on the cake)



My attempt at video remote control sugar cookies.



We had two Wii's set up. One in the kitchen. In the background you can see we had our living room coffee table moved with Make your Own Mii's (cloth figures that they could make to take home).





One in the living room...





We had pizza and fruit and cake and cookies.



Michael blowing out the candles.



The kids got to play bowling, tennis, carnival games, and Ram*page (which seemed to be a hit with the BOYS).

Hardly any meltdowns, and with the 2 systems and many controllers, most everyone was able to play at the same time.

And for once, I had hardly any food left over--except my husband ordered the cake and its HUGE!!

Michael with unrelated Update

My feelings for you I cannot describe. My words fail to encompass the wholeness I feel when I watch you sleep or concentrate on a book or writing a journal entry or play board games.

Words cannot describe you my son, but I will try.

You are funny even when you are not;
you are intelligent, sometimes too much for your own good;
you are squirmy, especially when being tickled or hugged;
you are irreverent, you are cute, lovable, impish, frustrating and lively;
you are becoming someone I am proud of;
you are my everything;
you are why I wished for another one;
you are my first
you are my son.

I love you more than I can ever be able to tell!!

Happy Birthday, Kiddo!

(2/21/08)

Update: Just wanted to point out a great post by Leah. She talks about the many feelings/fears that a lot of secondary infertiles have once we do get that BFP.

Hormonal Pregnant Woman OutBurst # 2 – Or Leggo My Eggo, Dammit!

Husband is in charge of getting Michael to school in the morning. Which means he also has to do breakfast. To help him (and save myself the mess when I get home) Michael usually has his choice of oatmeal or some type of frozen Waffle/Pancake/Toaster Sticks. Usually the Lego Eggos or Mini Pancakes. Sometimes I get him the really bad stuff—cinnamon buns. Something fun, but not too decandent. My husband usually foregoes breakfast (even though it’s the most important meal of the day!)

Since I lost weight and even with the pregnancy, I try not to have pancakes/waffles, etc. as they are too many carbs. But, occasionally I will have some. About a month ago I got a craving for Eggo Blueberry Waffles. I bought a box, and had some while we were watching a movie (Notes on a Scandal---great movie). I remember telling my husband how much this was unlike me, but I really was craving them.

So, last week, I bought another box of them. I had another craving for them. Had 2 for breakfast on the weekend. Michael was with me, and he decided he wanted one too. Not a problem.

Then: this morning, there was a 2 hour snow delay for Michael’s school. Since everyone got a little extra (really needed) sleep, I figured I would be slow in leaving for work. While I did the morning routines, in my mind I could picture two wonderful blueberry waffles slathered with butter and (sugar free) syrup. My mouth watered. I was looking forward to them.

I came down. And the box was not in the freezer. And, crying, I asked where my blueberry waffles were. (You guessed it, despite there being PLENTY of alternatives—my HUSBAND and son ate them). My husband assumed they were not mine, even after I reminded him of the Notes on the Scandal incident (which he claims to not remember).

They were gone. ☹ Only the lingering of their smell in the air. And me crying, because I so craved them….

LEGGO MY EGGOS!!!

Musings on the Second Time Around...

Gearing up for Michael’s 9th birthday party (I am crazy again—we are going to do it at our home---Wii themed party), got me to thinking about the many differences and similarities there have been between when I was pregnant with Michael and now.

The most obvious difference is the fact that I was nine years younger, totally naïve and innocent. I was definitely the stereotype of the first time pregnant woman/mother. I did not know what in the hell I was doing. I took for granted the fact that we got pregnant and that it would “stick”.

We decided to have a family after 5 years of marriage. It was time. We moved out of our apartment, moved into a home with every intention of having a child within it within a year or two. We moved into our house May 7. By May 31st, I knew I was pregnant. I was excited and scared—but more scared of the pain of labor, of the unknowns of pregnancy, child birth and child rearing. Miscarriage was a vague something. There was no doubt that I would have this child. I had no complications until the last month. Then the worry about viability happened. But only vaguely. I was young, I put my trust in doctors, nurses and my own youth. Everything, despite some tense moments, despite things not going the way my naïve self thought it would, went well. And I came home with my son.

We decided to space our children out. There was never a doubt about having one more. I grew up with a sibling after 8 years. I had been an only child for some time and did not want that for our son. My husband grew up with 2 siblings. We decided two children would be great. We waited until Michael was 3 years old. Then we started. And then we kept trying. Michael was 4 years old. Michael was 5 years old. At first, I just innocently felt that we just did not have the time, were not making the time. Who could blame us? A toddler/pre-schooler running around? Both of us working…yes, that can happen. There was a time when we stopped trying for a few months because both of us were stressing out too much about it. (You know--RELAX and it will happen!--HA!)

Only when Michael turned 6 years old did I finally realize that there was a problem. Only then did we seek outside help. Part of me regrets that we waited so long. Part of the reason we took so long to seek help was that between the time Michael started kindergarten and then 1st grade, I started to question whether all this depression and baby-lust was worth it for me. We had one wonderful son. Maybe that was all we were supposed to have?

Once we found out the problem, we did what we always do—read up on the topic. We read about IVF/ICSI. We read about adoption. We went to an adoption seminar. We sent in the paperwork for the cycle. I went on line and found the IF community that I did not even perceive before. We got our education in infertility.

My pregnancy now. It’s a wonder to me, and yet not for the “normal” reasons. Pregnancy when I now know that there are people who struggle for many years and through many more trails than we had to go through. Pregnancy after all that work and pain and suffering. I am proud of myself and my family! To be pregnant the “natural” way---heck, lots of people do that. But, we worked for this, dammit! We REALLY want this child! We deserve it!

This pregnancy I am more alert of the dangers. Anxiety, especially the first two trimesters, gripped me. Every little sign I could take and twist it to mean I was going to lose this precious, hard won child. Even now, part of me doesn’t want to believe that finally, finally we will have another child. That Michael will have a sister. My husband and I will have a daughter. It seems so unreal. And I am acutely aware of how lucky we are.

I skimmed “What to Expect when your Expecting”. I knew about the “easy” stuff. How about dealing with miscarriage and being an older woman having a child? What about dealing with siblings and your older child? Finding literature about secondary infertility was a joke. Finding out books that would explain to my 8 year old about what was going on without patronizing him because they were made for toddlers—few and far between.

And dealing with the look on people’s faces when I tell them I am expecting my second child and they ask how old my other one is. “He’ll be nine years old.” I say. And they look at me as if I have two heads—and mutter “Pretty far apart, huh?” or something similar. Sometimes I proudly say “Yes, but we have been trying for many years and finally used science to help us on this one.” or say “Yes, but he’ll be such a help with his little sister!”

Or I say nothing. I was once naïve like they are.

Third TriMester All Over Again...

So, here we are. Seven months. The last tri-mester. The big "easy". The time when I start to wish it was all over already. I am not one of those who relish being pregnant. Its not that its been awful...thankfully I have never had morning sickness, etc. Its just that I find it as more a means to an end. I want the child, but don't really care about the experience of pregnancy itself. (Perhaps its because I have done it before--but I recall I wasn't one of those "into" being pregnant then either--although I was a bit more naive and excited instead of anxiety ridden like this time.) Its all wonderful until you are totally uncomfortable and can't breathe and are scared to death and....okay, so the point being--I am ready for ya, Willow! (And you might notice, mommy ain't the most patient person, so lets get these three months done already).

Today I had my last monthly OB appointment. Everything checking out, heard the heartbeat (140-150). According to them I have gained 15 lbs. so far (by my count its 20 lbs., but I will go with them). So, from here on in, they want me to watch it--which, during the third trimester, should be interesting...I will be happy if I get out of this gaining only 25 lbs. (1/2 of what I gained with Michael).

My blood sugar is fine, my pregnancy hypertension watch has turned up negative so far, and everything is on track.

So, of course, there has to be some type of complication.

Luckily, this one is minor--but still...it can't be just "easy". I talked to my OB about when were we going to schedule my C-Section/Tubal Ligation. My EDD is April 27th. The week of the 21st would normally be when they would schedule the C-Section--but guess what? That is school vacation week. So what, you ask? Well, that means she is taking that off to be with her children and would not be able to do the surgery, and it would have to be one of the other Doctors in the practice (none of which I have met yet). So, my options are: (1) go for the C in week 38, which would involve having an Amnio to check on her lungs (as a precaution) and then the surgery the next day; (2) do it with another doctor or (3) wait until the 28th and hope I don't go into labor before then.

Talking it over with husband, we agree we are going with #2. Its not that I don't like my OB, but I am also not that committed to her. I like the practice, but I have not met with her exclusively since I have been pregnant and since this pregnancy--other than the getting pregnant part--has had no complications, I really don't see any difference in having her or having someone else from the practice (provided I get to meet with them before hand). Considering that during my last pregnancy, my OB was SKIING while I was having major complications and an emergency induction and C-Section (ON my due date--so not like he shouldn't have known), its not like I haven't had this happen before. And frankly, if Michael is not in school that week, it will be easier to take him out of the Vacation Day Camp that he will be going to (less of a distraction/disruption, which, considering my son--that is way important). Not to mention my brother (who will be taking care of Michael while we are at the hospital) is a teacher and probably will have that week off too...its kinda ideal.

So, I guess when I meet with them again (Feb. 20th) I will let them know--the week of April 21st it is.

So, please no other complications, okay, Willow?

Friday Fun - Our Cat

Cute pictures of my kid and my cat:





Gabrielle thinks the crib is her new bed...she can often be found in it. Pictures taken the first time we discovered her in there...

Renewal - Updated

It just struck me today how draining the last four years have been. How my general ability to be a good mother and wife have slowly been ebbed away, to the point that today, I realized I needed to renew my goals and outlook on the way I have been doing things in my life. Not that I have been a bad mother/wife, but slowly but surely many of the things I had prided myself on doing (with my son especially) I just got so tired of doing. So tired because it couldn’t be easy and “normal”.

Of course, things don’t ever come easy to everyone, but it seems we hit two major stumbling blocks in a row and had been trying to deal with them in tandem. It wasn’t just the infertility, which was a major factor, but dealing with issues concerning Michael and his (recently diagnosed) ADHD.

It struck me today that I need to Renew, because last night I think I finally had enough emotionally and mentally. Last night at 3 a.m., I started to obsess over baby–non-movement and over how we were going to get our son to be able to survive grade school. (Baby moved finally and my son will be fine, really, but things just seemed to be so impossible at 3 a.m.)

Today we went to his doctor to discuss how the latest treatment options have worked for Michael and his issues. We were reluctant to medicate, and we are slowly progressing with the doctor through various medications and doses. We have been cautious to make SURE it was ADHD, instead of labeling him right away. Just like we made SURE that we were having problems with our fertility before we tried treatment. Michael started having trouble when he was in kindergarten. His attention would get distracted and he wouldn’t want to stay seated and he would wander away from the classroom—one time exploring the elevator system at school. Yes, cute, even precocious but not “correct” behavior in the school setting. Slowly, slowly, while we pieced together what was going on with him, we were also going through our slow progress of trying to figure out why we weren’t able to have another child.

And we studied and worked and asked questions. We tried one type of solution. Then another. Did Michael need to have more time to do tasks? Did we need more alone time—perhaps dates? Why was Michael not able to relate to other kids? Did he need a sibling? More playdates? More monitoring of my cycles? Were we just bad parents? Bad lovers? Need to lose weight? Need to pay more attention to our son? To the school?

And we did what everyone said “was right”. The school said he should be tested. He was tested. Our doctor said we should go to a clinic. We filled the paperwork out and got tested. Michael was given an IEP (Individualized Education Program) and we were told how extremely smart he is (“Classic ADHD”). We found out we had “Classic Male Infertility” and that we were lucky to have had one child naturally. I was on the verge of being Diabetic if I did not lose weight, so that became a more important hurdle to face.

No wonder I felt like THIS and THIS.

And every time I tried, the harder it seemed to get back up. Every time we tried something, it would meet with only limited success. Lost the weight, no diabetes (Yeah!)---but, still no baby (Boo!). Michael had an IEP, but still had behavioral and attention issues. I found that I couldn’t deal with it. I lost interest in both struggles. I felt defeated. But somehow, and I am sure my husband and my son are the reason—somehow they made me try one more time. Once more. A doctor who diagnosed Michael and required the school to do MORE testing. A doctor who told us that IVF “could” work and we needed to try it. Two cycles of IVF. Two types of medications for ADHD. And we are getting there. Last night I was so worried, but frankly, I can see I just need to Renew.

UPDATE:

I hope I did not sound too depressed or whiney on this post. I was a bit drained yesterday. Being up in the middle of the night stressing and being pregnant (which this time around is even more exhausting for me—probably my age--hmm...actually, just found out I have anemia--taking iron supplements per OB) did not help. It was mainly cathartic to post this tho, and I am glad to be able to.

To end on a positive note:

Two things the Dr. said yesterday—

1) We have been and are on the right track with Michael, and she feels confident that we can help him. (and some of his issues are going to probably go away with maturity--which I can actually tell).

2) Informing her we were pregnant and Michael was going to have a little sister soon—she complimented me on looking so good (esp. for being on the cusp of third trimester).

I’ll take those as being signs to keep going and doing what we’ve been doing!

Book Tour: Jane Austen Book Club

For this month's Book Brigade we read The Jane Austen Book Club.

I liked the book, but I felt that there was more story there that needed to be explored, and while I liked most of the characters, I found myself wanting to know more of the back stories involved in making their character. All in all, I enjoyed the book, but was left feeling like I had only finished Part 1. The following are my answers to book club questions.


Which character in the Jane Austen Book Club did you most relate to? And what is your favorite Jane Austen novel and why?

I could really identify with Grigg, as my husband and I are science fiction geeks and we travel and go to conventions every year. I also felt like I could understand his “outsider” status very well, in a broad sense – the feeling of alienation and being outside the “norm” since junior high school. I was a tomboy and a geek, and I was always told to “act” more feminine, similar to Grigg's problems fitting in as male. In a more specific sense, I related to Grigg because of how "society" (his mother, father and sisters) was always trying to make him "right/normal". Being a woman dealing with Secondary Infertility in a Fertile World, I have come across many parts of society that does not know how to deal with infertility without trying to make it fit into the general societal model. I especially liked how Grigg ended up ignoring everyone to just be himself, no matter what that meant.

I have not read that many Jane Austen novels, although of the ones I have read, I would say "Pride and Predjudice". Mostly because I can relate to Elizabeth Bennett as the very headstrong woman (and I had a crush on Sir Laurence Olivier's Darcy--and then Colin Firth!). I like romantic comedies, and this is one of the classic ones.


When Corinne stole Allegra's stories, she both lied by omission as well as stole pieces of Allegra. Do you believe Allegra was more upset about the lie or the fact that someone stole her stories?

I think she was more upset that Corinne had stolen her stories, as she considered the stories to a part of herself that she gave to Corinne. It was an intimate and personal thing for her and for Corinne to then "share" those stories in such an open and impersonal medium...hurt her deeply. I am unsure why Allegra went back to Corinne, as Allegra showed often enough that she was stronger than that (although wanting attention--maybe that is why she went back to her?)


In one part of the book, Jocelyn and Sylvia were discussing happiness. One of them said that "Happiness in marriage is mostly luck..." What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you think that our happiness in life is mostly luck? Do we have some control over how happy we are?

I think that luck is a way for people to have some control over their perception of happiness. In other words, if things are not going well, people will say its just "bad luck" or "not fair" and when they have good things happen, its "good luck". Luck has little to do with true happiness. Everyone is given the life they are given. What they do with that life and the decisions they make, produce that happiness. One of the worst things we can do (and I do it too) is to compare one's happiness to another's. Some of the issues that bother women so much are ones in which we are comparing each others happiness (i.e. working mother vs. stay at home mother; infertile vs. fertile, etc.). While life is not always happy, I believe that most people can make their life worth living with a positive attitude about the life they have. "Luck" and "happiness" is what you make of it.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

I've Been Tagged...

Sara has tagged me to list 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about myself, and I must follow these rules.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!


1. I have a Formaldehyde embalming bottle displayed amongst my pictures and other nick nacks on a bookshelf in my living room. I bought the bottle at a really cool store called "Warped Antiques" (unfortunately no longer in business). My husband and I were so excited to find a place with all sorts of weird things--shrunken heads, photos from who knows, various keys, skeletons, etc. Too bad the place is gone.

2. We have had Dwarf Siberian Hamsters (Sylvester and Tweety), we have had mice (Snowki, Cookie, Cinnamon), we have had chinchillas (Claudius, Leeloo and Delenn), 2 turtles (Congo, Scaredy), and a cat (Gabrielle). At the moment we are to our lowest level of animal habitation--Congo and Gabrielle. I think we want to get an iguana next time--but have to wait until Willow is old enough for that to be safe....(always wanted a snake too...)

3. Fridays are family gaming nights--in most families that would be Monopoly, Life, Scrabble---in our family it is more likely to be Munchkin Cthulhu.

4. I have a stash of chewing gum in my office, because otherwise i would chew my pens/pencils to bits. I bite my finger nails (not so much as I used to, really!) especially if I am bored.

5. When I was 8 or 9 years old, I nearly got my eye poked out by a chain link fence. The neighborhood kids had squashed down the chain link fence at a certain part, and we used the metal bar at the top as a monkey bar, flipping over on it, etc. I was with a group of kids, and I flipped over and fell down, my left eye caught a piece of metal from the squashed chain link fence. For a while, I wore an eyepatch. And less then a year later, I had glasses (and braces were added--yep, I was pretty much pummeled every day). When I go to an eye doctor, every time they say "Did you have an eye injury?" because they can see the scar tissue on my eye. (Luckily, I can't!)

6. My husband and I (and now our son) often quote Monty Python, Star Trek, MST3K, Spongebob, Futurama, (add Geeky/Science Fiction show here) in everyday conversation.


Okay, I tag JJ, Swimmy Swim's Soon to be Mom, and Leah.

Things Done, Things to Do, Excitement, Anxiety and Guilt - UPDATED

Warning: As the title suggests – rambling post!

Sometimes 3 months is an eternity and sometimes it is too short. Sometimes I feel we have made progress and sometimes I wearily look at my “To Do” list and realize that there is still more to do.

Significant things have been done – we now have a good part of the nursery done—its merely clean up type items. We have gotten DAYCARE set up (aside from signing the contract next week). We have a lot of clothes for the first month or two. We have started the process of getting Michael “ready” for a sibling. We already took a quickie tour of L&D. One of the most important things was done today—THE TALK with the boss over leave time. I think we worked out a very fair leave time (with PAY, which was my main sticking point). It won’t be as much time as I had with Michael, but those were different circumstances (I was laid off because of a merger, I took all my vacation time because I knew of impending merger, etc.).

Amongst the not done listing - need to call the other provider we decided to not take (I hate saying no, and we liked her—but…there had to be a second choice!). We still need to get a travel system (car seat/stroller) and other small things (diapers, crib mattress pad, bath lotion, etc.). Things that can be gotten after the fact (except the Car Seat of course!), things I remember in the middle of the night…(and go “did we really need/use that the last time?”) I have the baby registry up—but so far, I am the only one buying things on it---(I got a gift card from work for the holidays!).

We still have the classes coming up, but not until March/April (!) We signed Michael up for a Siblings Class. I worry that since he is going to be 9 (!) he may be the oldest one there. I wonder how much it will help—I suppose every little bit helps. The boy is a sponge with knowledge, so I hope he learns something useful. Signed us up for a refresher class, despite the fact that we are going to be doing a scheduled C-Section, because, frankly, you never know. OB hasn’t told me when the scheduled C-Section is going to be—maybe next appointment…

And, aside from all the material things, there are the emotional things to deal with.

The other night, husband said he was “excited” about Willow and couldn’t wait. And I felt that excitement too. Then I felt anxiety. I worry that I will get preeclampsia again. I worry that I will have a complication. I worry when the baby doesn’t move. Sometimes I can call her Willow. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to hope. This is definitely not like when I was pregnant with Michael. I mean, I had anxiety (esp. when he did not move) but mostly, it took so much to get to this point this time that I can’t help but worry that something will go wrong. And then I read other blogs where it has. And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that it only took 2 IVF’s for us to get here. I feel guilty for posting all this stuff about progess towards a goal so many people are still struggling to achieve. I feel guilty for already having a child.

Oh, and I have other anxieties too—will Michael be able to deal with this HUGE life change? Will we be able to deal with a newborn and a kid with ADHD? Will we have some type of structure for everyone? What about going into surgery again? (I had an emergency C-Section after 14 hours labor last time--boy was that FUN!) And what about the cat!?!? (Okay, okay---Gabby will be fine)

So, I guess, I am saying---life is good, crazy, and scary. I should be thankful more often, guilty less so and I should chill out.

Okay. I will put that on my list.

UPDATE:
Thank you all for such supportive comments! I tend to be the supportive one in my family, and sometimes its nice to be the one receiving the encouragement! As for the inquiries on my registry--first off, thank you so very much; second off, I am registered at Amazon.com; third off, if you are registered please let me know where too (not only do I want to reciprocate, but also its FUN to see what other people are getting--sometimes I get some new ideas!).

UPDATE THE SECOND: Just after I checked the registry out again, I realized that my work just bought me something (its a sort of surprise, however, they did ask me what I would want) and it looks like I at least will be able to bring Willow home in style

Nursery Progress II - Mural Progress - Updated

Our friend Ana came over today and started on the mural. It was amazing to watch how quickly it took shape. Huge progress was made today!


She started by making the sky (with her hands).


With sky and ground.



First animal. (CUTE!)



Monkey, lion. Onto elephant and giraffe...


More detail...


The mural so far...


Ana with the mural.



And while she was doing the mural, she gave Michael a project - paint initials for the bedroom doors (he picked out the colors).


UPDATE: If you would like to send suggestions on things that could be "hidden" in the grass of the mural, please see Ana's blog...

Nursery Progress

Over the holiday week, we finished painting and assembled the crib. Below are some pics. I am waiting for some nursery decor and then will update with a more finished look...

The nursery decor will be safari related. Our friend will be painting a mural on the wall opposite from the crib (which will be in the corner). Bought the crib mattress last week.


Painting done, tape not removed.

Considering I did most of the painting, its not a bad job. Did some touch up, need to touch up a few places that got green (and should be white). Otherwise, its all good to go.



Our friend J. and my husband assembled the crib. The instructions are glued onto the mattress bottom. Which is good that you can't lose them, but try to assemble it with the instructions stuck on the pieces!


This a convertible crib (which can be turned into a daybed, toddler bed and full sized bed). Between the railings you can see the little lion nightlight we bought.

Mixed Messages

Went to my OB's office yesterday for monthly check up (only have one more monthly check up, then its every 2 weeks).  I was a little worried, as I have gained some weight (7 lbs.) since last appointment.  Last time I had went, my OB was happy that I had maintained and everything was great.  But this was the same person who made me feel like crap the first time I met her.  So, I wasn't looking forward to it.  BUT I did not meet with her.  I met with the NP, who was the person I had my initial appointment with.  And she is totally cool and handled my concerns on my gain with such positive comments ("Who hasn't gained weight during the holidays!"  "...you're doing your best...").  And this was the way she had been during my first appointment with her.  It was like night and day, and made me realize that I have to sometimes just go by my own instincts.  I explained to her that I was hoping to only gain half of what I gained with Michael (not the 15 lbs. only that OB is pushing for) and she was fine with this plan (and mentioned that "...Dr. ______ is really strict on weight...") and encouraged me to try my best.  It was refreshing to get that from someone professional.   

The rest of the appointment was uneventful---she had trouble finding the heartbeat (my own heart stopped for a few seconds), but that was mainly because Willow was moving around a lot. Heart beat was found and it was strong.  Next up, I have another Glucose Test and blood work....next appointment Feb. 4th.  (I miss getting Ultrasounds!)

P.S. Tracking my weight on What to Expect When Your Expecting website---I am within the normal range...

The Ketchup Incident

Okay, my hormones are very tricky.   When I figured they would be in overdrive--like when I was on the fertility drugs--I was pretty calm.  Being pregnant, I figured - "Hey, I have rode this rollercoaster before and (other than wicked PostPartum Depression) I was cool--should be an easy ride."  (Note, I have not consulted my other half to find out if I was indeed a hormonal pregnant woman last time around--what does he know, right?!?) 

I think those hormones were just waiting around during the IVF follies, and now they are raring to go!  For example:

I bought 2 bottles of Heinz One Carb ketchup last week. I am the only one who uses this ketchup--I actually like it, and it makes me feel like I am not using useless carbs/sugars. I put one in the fridge. (I mention the specialness of the ketchup, because, damn it...I really should have been upset with what happen next...I mean, its MY somewhat more expensive ketchup...right!?!) Last weekend I took out my lunch from the fridge, and the ketchup fell out and BURST open (the plastic completely and utterly cracked open). Ketchup was everywhere. I mean, it looked like a crime scene. And, in front of my husband and 8 year old son, I totally utterly lost it.   I was crying like my best friend had died.  I just could not stopping crying--and I mean the type of crying where you can't catch a breath!  Over ketchup!!! 

Looking back--it was funny.  Really.   

Notes on Christmas 2007

Christmas Eve: Was taken out to my favorite Japanese Steakhouse, requested extra fried rice (really too much!--I have left overs to prove it). Came home, opened presents, Michael wore the Santa Hat and passed them out. Had a few presents that were addressed to Willow (already!). Then my bro and his fiancee came over and we had Birthday Cake a day early. CHOCOLATE! YUM!

Then the real fun began---my son woke up at quarter to midnight to make SURE that everyone went to bed before Santa came. And he then came in our bed. He was literally shaking from head to toe with anticipation and excitement. The next 4 hours I stayed up with him. He just could not get to sleep. Every so often he went to one of the upstairs windows to check if the special oats he had thrown out for the reindeer was gone. I tried everything (apart from bringing him downstairs where "Santa" had already came). It was SO CUTE. Only at 3:30 a.m. did I start to lose it and mutter "really, now, this is getting f--ing ridculous...we both need to sleep!" (Oh, and hubby can sleep through ANYTHING---and he did...) Finally, Michael asked me to check to see if Santa had eaten his cookies (luckily we had)....and yes, I checked and around 4 a.m. my son and I finally fell asleep (getting back up at 7 a.m.). It was cute, it was annoying, it was heartbreaking, it was exhausting and it was WONDERFUL. The highlight of my Christmas.

After that, everything else was a blur. Michael got all he wanted and more, I got a GPS for my birthday (I wanted a massage--I guess this is better!). And Willow was thought about (and she made her presence known every so often).

Holiday Greetings and Thoughts

Another year older (literally) and I cannot say whether I am wiser, but I do feel happier. This year has had an unusual share of ups and downs. At the beginning of the year, I was lamenting my son getting older and our lack of giving him a sibling was looming ever larger. At the beginning of the year, I had lost 50 lbs. and was on my way to being healthier. At the beginning of the year, I had no idea what "IVF" stood for. I had never heard of GonalF Pens, or "PIO". But I soon would learn a LOT about them. In the middle of the year, I thought all was lost on the IVF front. By the fall, I was astounded (and a little bit cautious) with my good fortune. The end of this year has brought me something I did not think was possible at the end of last year. And I am so thankful!!

I am particularly thankful for my husband and son for being with me and helping me through this year. And for the Bloggers out there, from which I learned a whole lot...not just about the specifics of fertility treatments, but about the courage and persistence that it takes to go down this path. I wish for everyone a great coming year!


Christmas Songs for the Athiest

Braces Bunch Alert!!

Jeannine at I Think We Made A Nugget is in the hospital on bed-rest (2 weeks plus already). Send her something to amuse her, either via internet (she has a laptop) or via snail mail!

Having been on bedrest before, I can't tell you how much it would have meant to get something to distract me!

AND:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all the Braces Bunches out there!!