Getting close...

Went to blood and ultrasound today. She had to check Lefty with the outer ultrasound...and when she pressed down, it hurt! She said that they are "plumping up". Oh goody. Well, the follicles are growing, 3-4 on the left side are at 18. So, I am sure the retrieval and transfer are going to happen next week. Just not sure when.

In other news:

Michael is visiting me today at work. He has field trips on Thursdays, and they were going to Canobie Lake Park
(http://www.canobie.com/) again--he has been there 3 times this summer, so I offered that he could spend the day at work with me instead--and wierdly enough--he wanted to! We'll go out for lunch at a Chinese restaurant--and he gets unlimited access to a computer---thank you PBS kids.org and Nick.com! Its fun to have him here--although sometimes a bit stressful (fighting for the printer--"But the ARTHUR page has to print first before the Lease Abstract!". (Luckily, its summer--lot of people are on vacation this week).

Target Practice - CD 7 - Now Updated with Small Gripe

I now have a nice bruise on my right arm--a perfect target for them to keep sticking the needle in for bloodwork. Had another bloodwork and Ultrasound today. There were 8 follicles on my right ovary (average was about 12)--8 more below 10. My left ovary is a lazy bastard...last time they couldn't find it, now they did and Lefty only had 6 follicles (averaging about 10)--4 more below 10. I asked if this was normal--the tech said it was a good ultrasound for day 7. So, we shall see what the bloodwork tells them...I am a bit worried about ole' Lefty--during egg retrieval last time, Lefty seems to like to hide behind the uterus, and they couldn't retrieve many eggs from there (too hard to reach). Also worried about retrieval because last time they said I had an irregular heartbeat (which I had checked out and it was okay), but I think they said next retrieval they wanted me in a hospital for the retrieval (I say I "think" cuz they told me this after the procedure--I am kinda fuzzy on details...). Oh well, we will cross that bridge when we get to it...now, GROW follies---GROW!

Update - Rant: So, one of the things I HATE about IVF--the feeling like I am pregnant when I am so not. Right now, I feel kinda like I felt when I was preg with Michael. I had a realitively easy pregnancy (no morning sickness, etc.) until the last month (then bed rest, pregnancy hypertension, induction, etc.). The point being, my first tri-mester felt like how I feel now--I feel bloated, weighted down, have no energy, hormonal. I hate that there are so many symptons that are vague--that can mean so many things--not to mention during the 2WW...I hate "feeling" pregnant when it may or may not happen. Its like seeing the yummy chocolate cake, but not getting to taste it, just getting the stomache ache--what a RIP.

AND....its off to the Races!

Okay, the protocol is in! Antibiotics for all! Tonight I start Lup.ron, I start Gonal/FSH tomorrow. Shots in the morning, shots in the evening, shots at supper time!!

Okay, so I am a little giddy...and apprehensive. And, is it just me, but even the second time around, I am a little unsure what the hell I am doing?

CD 1 Tomorrow...I think

I knew it was coming, as my chocolate cravings (and intake of chocolate) has gone up...so I wasn't surprised that AF started...but not full flow, so waiting to call the clinic. Hopefully, by tomorrow morning I will be able to call the Monitoring room and get this cycle going. Which would be good because we are going away for the weekend (not far -- about an hour away, but I frankly don't wanna even try to have to drive back for blood work on Saturday or Sunday). Although it should be fun packing--Husband's pills, Michael's swim suit, my medications and needles. (Oh, not to mention if I have to order a refrig for the room). Fun!

We are going to a gaming convention: Open Gaming Convention. We go to one in February and this one in July. It's pretty fun, there are events for everyone...role-playing games for husband, board games and card games for me and youth games (including a Wii bowling tournament) for Michael, and supposedly some LARPs (Live Action Role Playing) for all.

A good time to geek out with some fellow geeks.

Fly my little monkeys, Fly!

Sent out my first snail mail for the Braces club (hmm, never thought I would associate myself with braces again).
I look forward to receiving actual correspondence in the mail.

In other news, this is what I am wearing today:



It's a Dr. Who bracelet! See the tardis, a wolf for "Bad Wolf", a tardis key, and a rose for "Rose".

SQUEE! I like being geeky!

This Weekend

Was busy, fun, tiring, somewhat depressing, and hopeful. Here it is in no particular order.

My medications came via Federal Express Saturday. Now I just have to wait for AF, which probably won't be for another 2 weeks. Great that we got that bit of hope, because that afternoon:

We went to a BBQ/Pool Party at a friends house. I love our friends, but...

I had a bit of a melt down before we went (although a nice hot bath helped). I really did not want to socialize, and they just had their THIRD child (all girls). I did not want to be stuck talking to a lot of women about babies and children and having babies and aren't they cute, etc.

The good news--it wasn't that bad (little talk of children, and NO talk of birth, etc.). HOWEVER, there were some moments. I wanted to help my friend out while she tried to get things going on the grill--so, she immediately asked if I could hold the baby. Which was not earthshatteringly hard, just kinda uncomfortable--I mean physically, I haven't held an actual small (3 mo.) baby in some time, and as I looked down I thought "I hope this next cycle makes this happen for me". Esp. since we both would like a little girl, it was kinda hard, but almost in a good way, like maybe this might be a lucky charm (?). The only really hard moment was later on, when I was watching the baby for her and a little boy came up and said "Is that your baby?"

Other than that, our friends were fun and we talked and husband got to play with an i-phone, and we had such fun (me included) that we were late for our next thing---an overnight at the Rhode Island zoo.

The zoo overnight was WAY fun. We got to see the animals at night, we got to sleep over in the education room (I heard the wolves howling in the middle of the night), and today we fed an elephant and a giraffe. Still, Michael's favorite moment was sleeping in his sleeping bag with all the families in the education room.

Came home exhausted today, but I guess what I am saying is that despite my persistent efforts to make myself miserable this weekend, I had a good weekend. And maybe I am a bit more hopeful for this cycle...

Who!

I liked Dr. Who when I was a kid. I remember watching it up in my room, having a vague sense of independence ("THIS was not a show my parents would watch--its British"). Dr. Who and Monty Python and Benny Hill were my intros to the U.K. Now we watch the new series of Dr. Who with Michael. It is so fun to get to watch a show like that with him. And lately, I have been watching the previous seasons (of the new Dr.s)on DVD while I bike in the morning. Since I bike for 20 mins. its more like the old style--serialized, and Michael hops into our bed to watch with us. It is very fun!

A small lie

This morning, Michael was talking about whether we were going to "do that thing where you try to get pregnant again". He has been mainly wanting a baby brother or sister, but today he said "maybe you shouldn't do it" with that sly look of a kid who knows that he gets his way a lot. We told him that we were going to try again, and he asked why and we told him how wonderful he is and how we want another child just like him (and then we joked about how much he has grown, why won't he stay our little baby, etc.).

Then the lie: I said, "You know, it will be nice to have a little brother or sister, but if it doesn't happen, that will be okay too."
And my heart sunk. I know that was the right thing to say, and I almost think I could make that statement real. But not yet. It hurts to think that we could not provide him with a brother or sister. It hurts to think that all the milestones of the past 8 years are all we will ever have.

The date's the thing...

Two years ago today, my Grammie died. Thirty-seven years ago today, my husband was born. Interesting how dates become markers of not only passage of time but of people and feelings.

My Grammie was won of the most influential people in my early life. My husband is one of the most influential people in my adult life.

GRAMMIE: She was quiet and reserved, kind and thoughtful. She had a sense of humor, but more one to appreciate a good joke than make one. She knew what was important in life--enjoying the here and now, including good food, good music. She loved the outdoors. My appreciation of all things in nature and the beauty of a beach, a tree, an animal in the woods...that is from her. My appreciation for a good book, one that takes you away from everything, would not be but for her. She was a doting Grandma, giving me, her only grand-daughter, anything I wished, but so much more than material things did I get from her. She was my mother in so many things. She taught me how to appreciate life and how to be happy for the things I have.

I miss her greatly, and I regret that the last few years of her life were not spent the way she would have liked them--in a rural cottage on a lake, enjoying the water and the wind and the trees.

HUSBAND: Meeting him was the best thing in my life. In college, when I was just starting to separate myself from my family, from my childhood. He was humorous and fun. Always quick witted and with a sparkle in his soft brown eyes. He sees the fun and interesting things in life. He likes to KNOW everything, and if he doesn't know about it, he will find out--whether its about science, science fiction, scientology, SCI, etc. He is always there for me and is always willing to help out a friend. He is a geek, a computer nerd and proud of it--as I am of him.

Vacation Memories...2007

Cape Cod was again our destination. Stayed at Cape Winds in Hyannis. While in the heart of the city part of Hyannis, the place was really nice. Very comfortable accomadations, although the sliding balcony door was having issues...

Short rundown of some of our activities:

Saturday: Pirates Cove mini-golf! Had fun and Michael especially enjoyed it. We have went to Pirate's Cove a couple times and its a really nice course with lots of fun facts and mock ups of Pirates. We also went to McKenney's in Falmouth. It's one of our favorite seafood restaurants--esp. good on the fried seafood. Then, on to Woods Hole and visiting the free aquarium.




Sunday: Father's Day! Michael and I made blueberry pancakes for Dad. We went to Eastham/Wellfleet for the day, hung out at the beach, hung out at the Red Barn (pizza, mini-golf, arcade, gift shop--something for everyone!). For father's day dinner--Eastham Lobster Pool--although under new management, the food was good (although not as good a selection as it used to have). We did notice a new restaurant we will have to try sometime--Marconi Beach BBQ. Then, we saw Fantastic Four 2 at the Wellfleet Drive-In.

Monday was a slow day, hanging out in Hyannis and going to a beach in Barnstable.

Tuesday: Provincetown! Always fun, and we got to go to one of our favorite beaches.



Then we went on a Sunset Dune Tour. Very beautiful and relaxing.

Wednesday was the only day that was not totally beautiful. We had some rain, but we had fun just hanging about the condo, and eventually went for a bit of a walk around Hyannis. We had breakfast at the Gourmet Brunch (yum). For dinner had our traditional meal at the condo of Lobsters and corn on the cob (supplemented with hamburgers and fries). Michael and Nana shared a lobster.

Thursday: Martha's Vineyard. Took the Island Queen ferry, enjoyed nice Mexican food at the Shark Shack.

Friday was breakfast at Perseys (one of our Favorites), then back home.

Very relaxing and fun, great weather, food and fun!

Ah, the fun of the after-vacation blues and the pre-IVF cycle jitters

So, back at work today. Not thrilled, but yet its nice to get back into a routine (I guess). Michael's first day of summer day camp starts today. I am a bit nervous for him. And husband has many many deadlines at work to deal with (not like they did not call him almost every day on vacation). Yep, vacation (which was wonderful and will be elaborated on in another post) is definately over.

The good news--my biopsy came back normal, so this cycle is a go. I am going to go ahead, starting Birth Control pills sometime this week. And the nurse was even one step ahead and she is putting a call in for the other meds so they can be delivered by mid-July. I am excited and nervous.

Luckily, I get a little time to re-aclimate myself to our normal routine before I have to go through the IVF routine.

Hopeful

Had our consult on Friday and then had a Hysteroscopy (http://www.gynalternatives.com/hysteroscopy.htm) and a biopsy on Monday. Basically, just to make sure there is no inflammation in my uterus. (Sometimes if the embryos do not implant, it could be because of that). IF there is an inflammation, I take antibiotics, and then we are a go. IF there are no problems, we are a go for IVF #2, although one of the Docs did mention (as he was doing the biopsy) that maybe I want to lose a bit more weight before we try again.

I am a bit conflicted on that, as I have officially lost 65 - 70 lbs. since last year. I frankly don't know if I can lose any more (although he wasn't saying I had to lose a lot--maybe just 5 - 10 lbs). But, I am feeling like part of the reason I have hit a plateau is specifically because of the nature of IVF so I don't know. All I know is that it has always been hard enough to keep myself in the exercise loop, but with the rest required during IVF, along with the nice 'ole hormonal/emotional cravings for things I shouldn't have---it was an achievement to have not GAINED any weight this past cycle. We are going on vacation at the end of this week (great time to try lose weight!!), and AF isn't going to happen until later this month. Maybe I will wait until next month to start the BC's and hope that I can lose a little bit more before July's cycle. I don't know. Part of me wants to just get on to the next cycle and start TRYING something, but since I know we only have 3 cycles that are covered by insurance, I do want the best possible chances on this next one. To add to this, the doctor that we had the consult with (who is my main doctor) did not mention the weight issue--he was more interested in making this protocol a Microflare (the type of protocol done with even older women--higher doses). This will basically mean that instead of 2 shots a day, I will do 4 shots a day. My hormones, which were pretty in check this last cycle, will definately be in an uproar!

So, to IVF in June or July is my hopeful outlook right now. I won't know the results from the biopsy until next week. I am conflicted about the weight issue--any thoughts?

Photo Album blues

My brother brought back a whole bunch of photo albums from Michigan. I have spent some time looking at them, and showing Michael some of the pictures of me as a baby, his dad and me when we first met, Halloween pictures (Michael loves Halloween), etc. Seeing pictures of my grammie (and grandpa K.)filled me with a melancholy that did not get better when a friend called to find out what our beta had said. So, my mood which was getting better had a bit of a hit. I little chocolate therapy helped.

Meanwhile, trying to wait for June 8th to see when I can get back on the IVF horse, I have started to look forward to vacation (June 15-22). We are going to Cape Cod, and while I am a bit concerned that my MIL is coming with us, I am looking forward to it. I intend to not look at ANY IVF or adoption books, articles or blogs (limited internet will help). I have done my typical anal organizational planning--having a daily calendar set up with plans for basically each day (I try to plan only one major thing per day--not to overwhelm oneself, but gee, I hate to do NOTHING!). There is an "Ellen" episode where "Ellen and Laurie decide to take a vacation to San Diego, but tensions flare when Laurie wants to do everything on a schedule and carefree Ellen wants to do things in a relaxed manner". I am the Laurie...I try to turn that part of me down a bit during vacation.

Shell Shocked

"The most common symptom is fatigue: slower reaction times, indecision, disconnection from one's surroundings, and inability to prioritize."

After all the planning, waiting, shots, and the final 2 week wait...this is what it comes down to for me. I am numb (might thave something to do with the plum wine and sake last night). I am tired of doing this. Yet wanting to "just get on" with IVF #2. I am tired of "wanting". Especially since I feel that sometimes that wanting makes me less able to enjoy the things I have, especially my son. And my son is wonderful. He is so damn curious and so intelligent. The first thing he said when I said that the test was negative: "So, you are not pregnant? So, you can try again, right?" Not a problem that can't be solved... And then I told him the best thing about this---I could pick him up again (gosh, he's 50 lbs!). I tried to put a positive swing on H and me going out for dinner (drinks)--"We are going to go out to celebrate the end of this cycle and the beginning of another one". My son would have none of that ---"Mom, that seems kinda silly!"

Anyways, posting this helps me get myself clear on these feelings, regardless of whether anyone reads this or not. And I do know that I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son. And I look forward to a long weekend where I will not only try to recover myself but enjoy what things I have in life. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend, I can face my life again, and look forward to cycle 2...

Not looking good...Update

Update: Yep, BFN. No babies in February for Michael's birthday! Well, to say the least we are dissapointed, but I do think it was good to POAS on Monday morning, cuz it gave me a chance to deal. And while I am definately going to get at least a little tipsy tonight, I think I am almost ready to deal with going for another IVF Cycle. We have a consult with our Dr. on June 8th and we will see where it goes from there.

But, all things considered, IVF was not as awful as my fears. I did not go off the hormonal deep end (too much); I got used to giving myself the shots; I even survived the Egg Retrieval. SO, I guess another go around is in the cards--and I think I will be able to handle it.


We broke down and got a Home Pregnancy Test. This morning, the stick had a clearly distinct ONE pink line. Not even a faint second line. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Now, I know that there is a chance that its too early for POAS (Pee On A Stick), and maybe the blood test on Wednesday will be different--but the likely hood is, that we are not pregnant.

And yes, I am jumping the gun a bit on the negative outlook, but it actually is giving me time to grieve now, so that on Wednesday, when they tell me its a BFN (Big Fat Negative), I can be ready to start looking towards---IVF #2!!! (Oh Joy!)

What Science Fiction Character Are You?

G'Kar
Ceaselessly struggling for a well-deserved redemption, you carefully arrange your alliances and energies.
There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom.

Waiting sucks and other musings...

I am so tired of waiting. I am not a waiting type of person. Now, I know lots of people would hate waiting...and I understand that waiting is part of it, understood it from the start. But I REALLY suck at waiting. I hated waiting for summer vacation when I was a kid, hated waiting for Santa Claus (yes, I was the one peeking in the hiding places for the presents), hated waiting 9 months for the first one, hated waiting for him to "DO" something interesting (I am NOT a "Baby" person--I like it when they stop being potato lumps and actually DO something), hated waiting for....oh, okay, I just am not a patient person, okay!?!?

Random thoughts just popping in my mind, trying to distract myself. Half the time thinking that I am pregnant (was this how I felt nine years ago? hmmm?); half the time thinking I definately am not. Then I tell myself--stupid! its too soon to tell!! That is WHY you are WAITING!!! Then, I think of a random episode of Rome or BSG, or the Saturn project that I am helping Michael on (spent $50!! at A.C. Moore for a 2nd Grade project on the planet Saturn). Yesterday we painted Saturn and some of its moons (its got about 50+!) And he did such a great job---and then my mind goes right to the fact that soon he will be old enough not to have my help at mixing the paints of his projects at all. And then I think about the fact that I so wanted a little brother or SISTER for him by now....and then we are back to thinking maybe I might be pregnant (was this how I felt nine years ago? hmmm?)....

2 fertilized...

Given the low number of oocytes taken, I am happy with the 2 ferts---tomorrow they transfer them in and then its a LONG 2 week wait for the IVF lottery jackpot.

Suck Eggs!

Okay, I am at home recovering. My tummy hurts, especially on the left side--my left ovary loves to hide, it seems. Anyways, we got 5 eggs (the average is 5 - 12). But, as the embroyologist said, its the quality not the quantity. They said they looked good, and we have to call after 11 a.m. tomorrow to see if they fertilize. If they do, the transfer could be on Friday...

Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

Okay, here goes!! Husband was a trooper and gave me the HCG shot, and we are a go! The shot was not as bad as I thought it would be--I did ice it up REAL good, and I barely felt it. I think he was more scared than I was!!

We go in tomorrow at 9 a.m., egg retreival at 10 a.m. Here is hoping for some good eggs, and as my son said this morning, "Are dad's sperm ready?" Let's give a cheer for them and for science!

Go Sperms!! Go Eggs!!