Monday, December 15, 2008

Time to be Strong Again...

Tough times are here and they are coming. Hence why I have been silent this weekend. Usually I post on Show & Tell. Lately I have been doing Perfect Moment Mondays. But I needed some time to digest some tough things this weekend.

My father works in the auto industry. He has already had a 5% pay cut in the summer—company hoping to stave off lay offs. This past week, 20 people got laid off at his job. He survived—but now in addition to the pay cut, he is down to working only 4 days a week. Not sure how long before he is laid off.

I can sympathize with him. More than I would like to, actually. My work place is a small company (10 employees—one being me). We are dependant on others (I guess you could say we are a service industry), and others are cutting back. So, there has been talk of cutting people’s salaries, in hopes of staving off lay offs. (Sound familiar?) I really am not sure if I will have a job next month…or the next month. I don’t even want to think about 6 months from now.

I have been at this job for almost 10 years. Its not brain surgery, but it contributes to the family and it utilizes some of my brainpower and organizational skills. With the extra daycare costs, it was just above the feasible mark for me to go back to work after maternity leave. I figured that was okay, as (1) daycare costs eventually go down as she grows and (2) I have wonderful flexibility at my job that I don’t want to lose. Which I may lose anyway. (Ugh)

So. Where does this put me? Where does it put my family? Just as I am unsure where my company is going, I am unsure how this will impact my family. I know financially we could be okay for a while—especially pulling the kids out of daycare. But if I have the kids out of daycare—how do I look for a job? And, more importantly, are there any jobs out there?

And there is the underlying fear that I have about being a stay-at-home mom. I worry about PPD. I worry about feeling too tied down. I worry about losing whatever identity I do have. I worry that I will resent my infant that I so desperately wanted. I fear that I will be too tired and worn down to be a good mother, wife, interviewee, job seeker.

My usual way to cope is to plan and organize. At this point, however, I cannot plan too much, as I cannot know when and how my job loss will occur. But I am sure that, unless some miracle happens, I will lose my job this coming year.

It’s interesting how life and your experiences in it helps you through your next hurdles. A few years ago, I never in my wildest dreams would have thought we would have a sibling for Michael. Let alone a beautiful little girl. A few years ago, I was finished. I was depressed, I was certain that there was no way I could go through fertility treatments. Not only was I afraid of the unknown, but also I was CERTAIN I would fail. So, I can get through this—I have gone through years of infertility. I went through hospital and doctors procedures I thought I would never have the courage to do. I am stronger than I thought I was and I will be strong enough to deal with whatever comes.

9 comments:

Rachel said...

I live in this world of fear too. I work in a nonprofit government run clinic, and the budget is a nightmare.
And since I am the only parent in my household, things will really get bad quickly if I were to become suddenly unemployed.
I can only hope this crappy economy picks up soon enough to save us all.
Best of luck to you, and know that you're not alone in your fears.

Fertilized said...

i am sending you good thoughts. i have found LOADS of jobs on craigslist .. you could look there

Lori said...

It feels terrible to be in a precarious situation. The lack of control with a job has a lot in common with the lack of control in IF.

Wishing for you clarity and just the right situations to come your way.

kbreints said...

I hate to hear about these situations, but they are a typical story right now... hang on- good vibes are on the way...

Cibele said...

Sorry to hear this my friend. Hold on to what amtters the most to you and better days will come soon. Hugs

JJ said...

I hear ya, I hear ya...Im having so much job anxiety right now, its just all I think about. Yuck.
Thank you SO MUCH for the sweet letter and fudge recipe. You did scare me--getting something from a law office=) You are so, so sweet--we are going to make it, so Ill let you know how it turns out!

docgrumbles said...

It is a scary time for so many. I hope for the best for you.

MrsSpock said...

I am hearing left and right of family and friends being laid off. I feel so lucky to have found a job now.

I will say, that when I was staying home, having a reliable babysitter to stay with J while going on interviews took some time to find. I hope your little company is able to pull through...

Kate said...

You are a really strong and wonderful person. Whatever happens, I know you will be ok. I'm sending good vibes to you and your dad.

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