Persistence of Memory

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.” - Tenth Doctor

A week ago, we were in Provincetown at a beach.

Two weeks ago, I was with my brother in a room watching my mother die.

Three weeks ago, those things were in the future...unknown.

Time is fluid. Time is straight.  Time is everywhere around me and in my thoughts.  It slips away, as summer goes into fall.  As school approaches.  As holidays come and go.

Various memories of the past two weeks mix together in a weird conglomeration of sadness, happiness...the strange things that pop up in my mind:

• feeding my mom a nutter butter (at her request, one of the last she made to me)
• me badly singing along to Beach Boys and Beatles to try and amuse her (and myself)
• getting a much needed break from the mundane with a restful trip to Cape Cod when I really needed it...I need more beach time!
• meeting goats on Cape Cod
• looking out at a beautiful sunset at the beach
• getting texted sympathy messages from people--sometimes just when I needed it the most--sometimes when I had just had my mind settled--but always appreciated
• giving and receiving extra TLC from Willow
• those little nods and small gestures from Michael which means he cares and just doesn't know how to show it, including coming to my work and giving me a Burger King crown
• sorting through a LOT of crackers and adult coloring pages at my mom's room with my brother
• seeing Willow tote around for days a small rag doll my mom must have made during a crafting day

There are other memories of those last few days, ones that intermingle and will change with time.

Time moves on, but there is the persistence of memory...

RIP, Mom

Sometimes life is cliche.  My mom was dealing with melanoma for the past three years and at the beginning of the year, it was decided that treatments were not working and she should go into hospice.  She moved to a closer facility, she was doing better without the treatments.  We visited her more often because she was closer...and that was the biggest thing she wanted.  She desperately wanted to be near her children and grandchildren, who she was very proud of and who she would brag up to anyone in earshot.  

So.  Just a couple of Sundays ago...we took this picture:

The next Friday, she started to take a turn for the worse.

This morning, she passed away.

Her death was known.  Her death was sudden.  I am glad she will not be in any pain anymore. But it sucks that she did not get any more time with the people she loved.

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I had a complicated relationship with my mother.  

However, one thing I can say without reservation is that she did her best to be there for her grandchildren.  No matter what obstacle was in her way, whether disability or distance, she went through it to be there for them.  For that alone,  I am most grateful. 

A mess of thoughts...

Kinda a mess of thoughts right now, many times I have wanted to write, but haven't had the energy, or time or words...

As usual, life and death and everything...

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Willow hasn't been sleeping well lately.  Who can really blame her?  I haven't really slept well since November...

She has never been my sleeping kid.  Always my energizer bunny.  But, lately, she has had a rough time falling asleep.  Usually, once she is asleep she is fine...but this past week, she has had nightmares and has come into our bed frequently.

We have tried lots of methods to get her to sleep.  Discipline, no discipline, melatonin, no melatonin, reading in bed, not reading in bed.  Bedtime routines and non-traditional bedtime routines.  I know it is partially the summer.  I know it is partially hormones on her part.  I know it is partially an ennui on our part.

I think the vacation next week on Cape Cod will help to do a reset...and we will start the climb back to a semi-normal sleep routine with her.

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This happened on Monday: 

He signed up for his first semester of college classes.  To help him transition, he is going to take only three classes.  Two academic ones--Biology and Western Civilization (History) and then he picked a Drawing class (he was thinking photography, but went to drawing).

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Hoping we have a restful vacation, although it sounds like I will be checking in with Hospice regarding my mother.  I think her struggles with cancer are almost at an end.  I have mixed feelings on all of it.

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We are up to 8 hours out of 40 hours needed on the parental supervision requirement for Michael to get his driver's license.  He does pretty well and now he is driving us to and from appointments, etc. Last Saturday's adventure to our Dentist appointments in Lexington was a bit of a reminder that he needs to remember, especially in Massachusetts small towns, the pedestrians rule. 

He hasn't gotten up to driving on highways yet, but there are more occasions now that my stomach is not freaking out with him at the wheel...so I think that is a good sign, right?!

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I am by no means ready for school to start.  I am again facing my summer denial...summer isn't over yet, dammit!

Some summers we have done lots and lots of summer activities and I feel like we have lived the summer to its fullest.  Then there are some summers...where time just sneaks up on you...and summer is already almost done.  Unfortunately, through various means (including various obligations, sickness, weather, etc.) this summer is feeling like the later.  

Although...there have been some good summer-time activities like these:

Fire pit and s'mores in back yard:

I got some of those fire packets that change the flames different colors!  I did not photograph it very well!  But it was blue, purple, green...etc.

Rockport, MA - fudge shoppe

She enters a place and immediately asks for LOBSTER!

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Well, I guess we are going to cram a whole bunch of summer into the next few weeks--we are socially booked up and I barely will have time to get us all packed before we go to Cape.  Looking forward to some beach and resting, family time and reflection.  

Don't Mind the Mess...

So, Photobucket is being Greedy...and annoying...Click HERE to read more...

So, don't mind if there is some changes here on the blog---priority-wise, this is site is not the top of our lists...so, it might look a mess for a bit....

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The house is chaotic right now, just so many things to do and places to be and fun to be had....

so, the toys that I meant to box up and send out to be donated. are still in the living room corner...and Michael's room still is a bit of a mess...but...

Well...

Why, Yes, it is hard to make a left turn into our driveway...

First vehicle damage by the student driver in the family...I guess it could be worse...at least the car is fully paid for now...

Unexpected connections

 The request for a playdate with a co-worker' s child meant a lengthy car ride and an unexpected unplanned day.  There was the normal uncomfortableness of meeting new people (or for Chewy, seeing his co-worker in a different setting)...and we had brought Michael, who, in typical teen fashion was about done with this meeting thing after about 10 mins.  (Sometimes I think adults should not prolong their small talk suffering either...maybe there is a rule?)

The couple were nice, the girls got along, and there are grounds for shared geek/nerdy cultural exchanges.  But.  It was uncomfortable.  We left  Willow there...and our original plans of having them bring her home, dashed...we went out for lunch.

To a wonderful place we had not gone to in years...and we had some yummy good!

Knowing that we were now committed to being in the area for a while...what errand could we run?  Ahhh...haircuts!

And on a whim, I decided to do something I only do once or sometimes maybe twice a year....I got my hair done in style (coloring and highlights).  Now, normally I don't do this for many reasons, but mostly...time and money.  It was gonna take 1.5 hours she said.  Luckily, there was a video game arcade nearby that we had spotted.  Resisting my urge to go there with the guys...they got their trims and left for the arcade.

And then my day turned even more pleasant.  The woman who was going to be doing my hair for the next two hours (it was not three, Chewy), was into all sorts of things that we are into.  We had a wonderful conversation, and at the end, I almost wanted to hug her (I didn't).

Here is a bad picture of my hair (I like it, so does Chewy):

This is this morning, I have brushed out all the styling she did.  It looks nice, really!  (I am still not a good selfie person yet)

We thought it was funny that Michael had clips in his hair...so picture taken!

#MicroblogMonday - Summer Stress

Other #MicroblogMonday posts for this week are here.  


It is official.  One child is Graduated and has a three week break from reality before he starts a summer employment workshop/internship...and the other one--is done with Third Grade and is now at Summer Camp...the strange summer season has begun!

While I find the school year can be its own mess of stress and strain---I find that summers are actually a bit more stressful as a parent.  Sure, there are vacations and fun things to do during summer...but the days/weeks when we are not on vacation...well, those have their whole different level of stress!

Does she have her swim shoes, swimsuit, towel, sun screen, lunch packed (not refrigerator or microwavable and nut-free)?  Traveling to and fro to the various camps that are not necessarily close by (like her school) makes getting to work on-time a fun guessing game...  Another guessing game is which field trip is she going on this week and does she have the official shirt of the camp on while doing it?  Does she need additional money for the trip?  Is she trying to escape the summer camp because she is bored and wants to just go home (based on a True Story from a previous summer)?   Oh, and even though we pay a good amount of money--camp ends at 3 p.m., but you don't get out of work until 5:30 p.m.  -- pay an extra "extended care" fee and get there by 5:45 p.m. on the dot!!)

Ahh...summer!

Graduation Part 2

Took off work today to go to the moving up/Graduation ceremony at Michael's school.  Interesting case of perspective:

My husband and I found this ceremony was less superficial and more genuine and moving than the big High School ceremony.  The speakers were better, there seemed to be actual feeling and less pretension.

Michael...liked the big High School ceremony more...found this smaller one pretentious and self serving. 

Guess it is all a matter of where you are on your journey in life, the experiences of being a high schooler versus a parent.

Meanwhile, I did get some idea about why no smiling in pictures...because he feels posing is fake and he seems to think only a genuine smile  (captured unawares or when he is truly doing something worth smiling about) are the only true smiles...

So.  There you have it.  The Graduation Part 2 was moving, superficial, self serving, fun, meaningful, annoying, better (Or worse) than the first one....

He has had two ceremonies...has two caps and gowns....and a proclamation from the Mayor (!)  

Pictures:

#MicroBlog Monday - Graduating

To see more participants for #MicroBlog Monday, Click HERE...

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Yesterday, Michael Graduated from High School.  I cannot believe it even though I was there.  I was there when he was born, I was there when he started Kindergarten.  I was there when he was diagnosed with ADHD/Anxiety Disorder.  I was there in middle school when he was diagnosed as having High Functioning Aspergers...I was there and my heart hurt when he crashed and burned his Freshman year of High School...when I realized that our son was not only a little quirky, but needed more help then the public school could provide.  I was there when he finally started to gain his footholds into adulthood.  I was there at the IEP meeting when the out-placement school was astounded at the progress he has made.  

I still cannot believe he is 18 years old and in 7 days, no longer a High School student.  

But.  It happened.  

But, the most important thing that happened this weekend...I was able to capture a smile on this child of mine...who seldom lets himself be so unguarded (especially near cameras):

Perhaps he will start showing this side of him more often, as he grows into himself.

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Meanwhile....there's this to look forward to....

Insomnia Musings

I am up.  Can't seem to get my mind to quiet down.  Chewy is snoring...Willow is lying on the couch downstairs (She fell asleep there earlier and we did not bring her up this time).

Too many things trouble me tonight.  Some major, some minor.  I need to sleep better.  I have not been going to bed early enough.  And now I have gotten caught alone.  With my thoughts and my worries.   I suppose it is a good thing in a way.  One tends to drown out....I tend to drown out the various things gnawing at me.  Facing those worries....coming up with plans to change them to useful parts of my life...

Still...one should probably not do this at 1:30  in the morning...

Got Michael to show off his cap and gown tonight.  Also downloaded Snapchat  (mainly for Willows amusement).  Well, here are some results.....

Status of Things

• Willow's recital went very well on Saturday.  She played piano, made very minor mistakes.  Her singing group was cute and only a little off key.  She was a ham...it was wonderful to see how she can have stage presence if she thinks no one is really watching.  Her progress report from her teacher says she is promising..it is her confidence (and in singing, her lack of wanting to keep on key...) that is the thing she needs help with. 

• The highlight of her recital, to me, was an unexpected change.  Her little singing group were back up for another vocalist.  Part of their part of to portray waves and fish swimming.  Originally, Willow was supposed to be a wave.  But, just before the performance, the teacher changed her to be the fish...and she was in her element.  Here is the video.

• Tomorrow, Michael is going to get his cap and gown at his old high school.  They are also going to have a quick rehearsal.  One week from this Sunday...he is Graduating.

• And then going to school until June 14th--when he has a Moving Up/Graduating Ceremony at the school he goes to now.

• I have almost got all the cremation forms filled out.  Strange to be filling out Death Certificate information when there is life sprouting out all over...and the person you are filling the documents out for is still living too.  

• We are parent failing when it comes to giving Michael more time driving.  We are so busy lately, he hasn't had real chances to go out and practice.  This will be our priority this Spring/Summer - to get those 40 hours plus parent driving times so that he can then prepare for the road test.

• Looking forward to a relaxing weekend this weekend...no lessons, no obligations...just some fun!

Thoughts on Mother's Day....

Recently, online, I saw an article about some parents getting upset because a school had sent out a notice that kids would not be making "Mother's Day or Father's Day" gifts.  The reasons the school made were legitimate concerns about inclusion--and a more immediate need concerning one of their students having a tragedy in the family occur recently.  (Here is an article about this)

Regarding that specific issue above, I feel that the parents who are upset need to chill out.  The schools are not there to make the kids do crafts for your gifts.  They are there to learn.  If they happen to make you a Mothers/Fathers Day gift--great, but one should not expect it...and one should take that the school is trying to teach a more important lesson about people in general and about having empathy and understanding about various cultures and families, etc.

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Then, it got me thinking about Mother's Day in general and my own experiences with the holiday...

As a mother, I have enjoyed a good many Mother's Days---19 to be exact...

And I have to say--the gifts, by and large, mean nothing.  Sure, my heart swells to see the cute handmade gifts...I keep them for long periods of time..I still have the paper "flowers" that Michael made me so very long ago...but, really....Mother's Day for me is just taking the time out to relax...and get some yummy French Toast from my husband, some type of chocolately thing from my kids--a wonderful lunch out with my family....and time.  Time to sleep in.  Time to have a bubble bath.  Time.  Time is so precious.  Time is what I want.

Unfortunately, as I get older and my children get older--I realize that the one gift, the one perfect gift...is slipping away...as my children are growing older and growing away from me....my role as mother is changing.  Time is not a gift that will stay for long...