Show & Tell #29

Total Confusion This Year--or, how I love hotels...

This year's Total Confusion Gaming Convention was a bit different, as we had Willow along for the ride.

One of the things I love about going to a gaming convention is that it is like a mini-vacation. You stay at a hotel room, you are in different environments, you have looser rules, you have a pool and restaurants nearby.

Also, it is nice to play in a role-playing game until 2 a.m. (like I did on that Friday night) and not worry about driving home--nope, you just walk a few yards away to your hotel room.

We had a good time this year. Michael did not play as many games this year as last year (although he did play Clay Wars again). He did get into a card D&D-like game and a new Munchkin Game.

Willow also had a blast--but she does anywhere she goes...

Some photos from this year:

Michael had to come with a wide variety of his stuffed toys (that he lately has been sleeping with). They include: General Grievous from Star Wars; Death (from Monty Python); Cthullu (of course!) and his various webkinz (a gecko named Pepi Jr.; an otter named Otis; a gorilla named Anthony; a snake named Spike; and a bat named---um, I forgot--he tried Dracula, but it was taken) He arranged these, btw.



Meanwhile, Willow had a more modest arrangement--but it included a new Cthullu just for her! Her favorite stuffed toy at the moment tho--Grinch (or Grinchy as we call him).


Awww...who's the little god of death and destruction now???



Willow liked hotel life...


The shirt that is obscurred says "I'm still in Beta"


Click to see who else is Showing & Telling.

Last Day

Tomorrow is my last day at a job that I have worked at almost 10 years. When I started, it was just after my maternity leave with Michael. I was a new mother of a five month old at a new job.

It was not a job that I studied for in university. It was a job that I decided to take because I had chosen family over my chosen career path. It was a job that was not always intellectually challenging, but I found it fullfilling nonetheless.

I learned those ten years. I learned how to be a working mother. I was happy to have a flexible job with people who I enjoyed working with. And I did learn job skills that will help me move forward.

I also learned how to balance my work life with my real life. It was a hard decision for me to give up my career for a "9-5" job. But I would not give up what I gained for anything. I was able to enjoy my son and my husband more. We were able to become a family. I was even able to give up a raise to have one day a week off to be with my son for a few years before he went to kindergarten.

My job was very family friendly--I remember many times Michael coming in when he was sick or had a school holiday/day off--going on an empty computer or doing homework in the small conference room. I remember taking him out for lunch at the chinese restaurant nearby. I remember sometimes bringing him in the morning and picking up McDs for breakfast--us eating it together in the conference room before anyone else had gotten in.

I also remember Michael being about 2 years old, playing with a large empty Water Refill bottle in the hallway.

I guess in a way, I miss the fact that ten years are gone--that Michael is tied to this place as assuredly as I am. That Willow will never experience these things.

Stupid economy.

[Next time, a more upbeat post--with Pictures!]

Anxiety

Anxiety

Plays tricks with the head

Often depresses the soul

Deflates the body

Paranoid or real fears—

They are all the same

Is there a way out?

Of course there is…

In your heart

In your child’s eyes

In your child’s giggle

In your lover’s embrace

My Science Baby (Musings at 10 months)

Time plays tricks on me and sometimes I just assume you were always here (how quickly that can happen, within a space of 10 months you have become part of our family). I see you in front of me and realize you are not the figment of my imaginings that often rumbled around my head and heart for those many years. No, you are flesh and blood and you are mine.

How can I explain my need for you? Some people would say that we were lucky to have your brother (and that is true), but I knew in my heart that our family was missing someone. Sometimes the hurt that came from not having you in our lives made me question your need to exist. Sometimes I had to turn away with a sense of dread—wondering if the path not taken was the path instead.

It took a long time for us to go down that path and go to the clinic. Being a science fiction geek, I tend to imagine you being mixed up and concocted in a laboratory with fizzy test tubes and electrodes* a scientist with a white fright wig on and sneer, glaring until finally declaring---IT’S ALIVE!!

---hmmm…I think I digressed a bit there….

What I did not imagine is what a wonderful little person you are. How beautiful your eyes are, what a wonderful fluff of hair you have. That tooth, slowly poking through and that hint of personality…all brought together by your mom, dad and a little bit of science. Look what we did! We created you—you, a unique person, our science baby! I am so very proud of what we were able to accomplish. I am so very proud of you. I love you, my daughter.


* although by then I had read and found out all I could about IVF/ICSI, I think I still tend toward my melodramatic tendencies

Sick - Updated

So, all this winter I have read posts from various people on how sick their infants are. Each time, I was happy that we were so fortunate, and I thought to myself--I would rather be sick than have my kids be sick. So, it shouldn't surprise me that I am sick. Possibly my last week of work (its open ended when I will be done with my obligation) and I have been gone home sick two days so far. All the familiar stuff--I think its the flu (guess who did not have a chance to get a flu shot, while the rest of the family did??)

UPDATE: I guess I spoke too soon--Michael is now sick too. I am a bit more paranoid right now because recently a 12 year old boy died of the flu around here. So, I could have struggled again today at work, but I choose to take the day off--I wanna take care of my boy.

The good news, I wasn't sick during the gaming convention. We had a fun time and I think it was a good break for everyone. I enjoyed playing a role playing game and I also got to go in the pool with the kids a few times. Willow and Michael behaved very well, and Uncle John was there to help out. I was even able to get Willow a little cuddy Cthullu of her own!

Gone Gaming

February means two things to me. My son’s birthday (which seems to usually be a week long bacchanalia, what with presents coming in the mail, his birthday party usually a week before hand, etc.). His party on Sunday was a hit--some parents were talking about it the next day! The kids ran around "battling" instructors dressed up as Trolls and Ghosts, etc. The kids had foam swords and square padded shields and some people had packets of magic (foam balls/squares). At one point I saw my son (who, as was optional, dressed up in a costume) negotiate with a Cave Troll--by trying to pawn off his costume medallion. A lot of running around and screaming ensued. I then put D&D miniatures on his cake and the kids had cake, fruit and pizza. One kid ate 7 pieces of pizza! Michael also got some REALLY cool gifts--a Star Wars Clone Trooper Gun (Nerf), Night Goggles, a model Gargoyle, a Lego D&D Set, etc.

This weekend is the other major event in February, Total Confusion. We started going to Total Con when Michael was about 3-4 years old. We started making it an overnight destination when he was about 5 years old. Now, it is an annual tradition. It is fun to get away from home (but yet, not too far—its about an hour away). We stay overnight at the hotel where the gaming convention is held and each of us have games (role playing, board games, video games, etc.) to play. I even make a CHART (yes, I am organizational madwoman!) to make sure I know who is with the baby and who is gaming where.

This year will be Willow’s first Total Confusion, but not her first gaming convention—she went for a two day stint last July. This will be for three days, two nights, in a hotel with a mobile baby…should be interesting!

It is fun to see the same people each year, it is fun to devote time to being a family doing something we all love. And it is sooo geeky! ☺

I am looking forward (and a bit nervous) to a role playing horror game I am playing on Friday night. I usually stick to board games, so role playing is not my forte (that is usually the Husbands realm). But I have heard such great things about this GM (Game Master) from my husband, that I had to take a stab at it. (And husband gets to try out dealing with the kids at night in a hotel room—usually my forte!)

Tonight will be devoted to packing up our stuff…ugh, I realize now WHY I was happy Michael was out of the baby years…so much STUFF!!!

Nineteen Years

Nineteen years ago, someone came up behind me. I felt his presence, but was unknowing of his name (I had met him the previous night, we talked until 3 a.m.—I am not good with names). We walked and talked for hours. Both of us scared, both of us not sure of what we were starting.
We ate at Burger King in the student union. I paid for our dinner (I was on work-study and had a job, he did not). We walked across campus to his dorm room, he lived 25 mins. away from where I lived. Later that night, he walked me back to my dorm and then walked back to his dorm. It was February in Michigan—there was snow on the ground, and a hole in his shoe (I would not know about until later).

Our first date, nineteen years ago.

This date, in many ways, is far more important than our wedding anniversary…so, we make the time to remember.

Tonight we are going to go out and have a nice dinner, our children safe at home with a sitter. (He may actually have a hole in his shoe…)

Honest Scrap Meme

From Fertilized.

The rules for this award:

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
The list:

1. I have not gone to bed before 12 a.m. for about 2 months. And its not the kids (generally speaking) keeping me up. I guess there is just not enough time in the day.

2. I am deathly afraid of the fact that soon there will be "enough time in the day". I worry about PPD, I worry about feeling isolated and alone. I worry about finding a job.

3. I am having a hard time getting my exercise and nutrition routine back on track since being pregnant. Sometimes it is me, sometimes it is life. I get things going, then road blocks appear. I keep trying to get back to the way things were before, and I have not figured out to get this piece of my life in order yet.

4. Okay, okay, I bought Willow a dress (and matching tights!) for this spring. Totally, usually, not my thing...but it's so CUTE!

5. I don't know all the words to most of the nursery songs I start to sing to Willow. I can't believe I have forgotten them. Now, at least, I have the internet
to save me.

6. Guilty pleasure television: Amazing Cakes, Bridezillas, Clean House. What Not to Wear.

7. I really don't get the hype over weddings. I am sorry, I just don't get it. Yet, I watch Whose Wedding is it Anyway? And every time, I go to myself--throwing money away for what?

8. It is 11 p.m. and I hear Willow starting to stir--and it chills my bones. (Please go back to sleep, girly girl)

9. I am still astounded at seeing my daughter's name in print.

10. I enjoy bath time with the kids.

My 7 blog recommendations (please go visit them):

Rachel

Stop the Train...

Christy

Valerie

Jen

Neenie

Kate

Show & Tell #28

Tomorrow we are throwing Michael's birthday party. February 21st my son will be ten years old. I cannot believe it. Seeing Willow start down the path of toddlerhood, I remember back to when my son was that old...

Here he is at his 2nd Birthday party:




Last weekend, while we were baby-proofing and cleaning the house up, I found some of his birthday gifts from that party...


We found one of these fish maracas last week, it is now Willow's (hopefully we will find the other one soon).





Michael loved this book. It is a book of "animagicals": "Twelve different interactive spreads pose witty rhyming riddles courtesy of poet Carol Diggory Shields, accompanied by Croatian artist Svjetlan Junakovic's whimsical and lovely paintings of musical instruments. Fold out the flap, and the spread extends to a surprise "animagical"--a creative morphing of instrument and animal. The first spread, for example, leads with the following riddle-rhyme: "I plod through the desert / ba-rumpity-bump. / My drums keeping time, / ka-thumpity-thump. / Bumpity, thumpity, / rumpity, thump, / I am a..." Open up the page flap, and the drums reveal themselves to be a "camel, with a drum on each hump.""
We found this book last week in his bookcase, the flaps worn from use.

(oh gosh...is he really going to be ten?!)


Click to see who else is Showing & Telling.

Adventure Mom

I have been called an adventurous mom. Which I often find ludicrous, as I find that the reasons that I am considered “adventurous” are some of the main reasons I had kids in the first place. I love new experiences. I love doing all sorts of things; I love exploring new things, different things. I take my kid (now kids) to museums, overnight camps, theater shows, etc. I like sharing my love of things with my children. I hope that they learn something, either about the program/event that we are doing, about themselves, about life in general. I at least hope they gain a curiosity of the world around them.

I think that Michael has a great capacity for learning. He is a sponge and it makes me proud that I have a least a small part in shaping his interest in the world around him.

Two recent situations reminded me of this “adventure-some” spirit.

Through Cub Scouts, I was e-mailed details of an African choir (local Zimbabweans) singing at the church that holds the monthly pack meetings. I took note that it was this Sunday, but since it even said on the e-mail that it was not a religious event, I thought it would be a singing program. The invitation was for everyone, and if our Cub Scout came, he was to wear his uniform. We packed ourselves up and went this Sunday. Into a church (remember, we are atheists. Okay, atheist and a cultural Jew—definitely not ones to be in a church on a Sunday—I felt like hissing like a cat or vampire). The choir was going to perform during the church service. At that point, my husband was motioning to “get the hell out of here”. But, being Adventurous Mom, I decided we should stay—it’s a good experience to see what others do on a Sunday, right? (and, being in his Cub Scout uniform and us with an infant, we kind of stood out already). And I am happy to report that we had a good time. We saw the choir; the hymns included “We Shall Overcome” and several traditional African songs. There was mention of the strife in Africa and of civil rights. And then my son went down with the other kids for a bit. To talk about the bible—they asked how many stories are in the bible. Whereupon my son said “Six Hundred and Sixty-Six?” (Fully knowing why he was saying that). We stayed until after the priest’s sermon (which was actually good). Were we converted? No. Did we learn something? Yes.

The other thing that happened was this morning. I saw that the Museum of Science is sponsoring Tall Ship boat tours of the harbor this summer. It’s a 90-minute tour on a boat in the harbor, talking about the Tall Ships visiting the harbor. On the web site it said “not recommended for children under 3 years old” “if you have an infant in your party, please call for reservation”. So, I dutifully called. I wondered if it was a safety issue. I wondered if it was an issue because they wanted you to pay a certain amount for the infant. No. They did not recommend it for infants because “they would be stuck on the boat for 90 mins and would not be able to get off for any reason”. Umm…okay…I guess I am an Adventurous Mom, cuz I really don’t see a reason that that would be a problem. I mean, Willow, at four months, traveled in a car for hours on end. I think she can handle a tour boat.

Sometimes being an Adventurous Mom is just knowing that the world is out there for you and your children to explore. Not to be afraid of.

Perfect Moment Monday

Moment # 1:

Just me and my son. Getting our hair cut. Finished, getting ready to go home. “Do you want to pick up something for lunch, or just…” “Well, mom…there is the Wendy’s right over there…” I am thinking of just going through the drive-thru. I want to get home, I want to see my husband and daughter. My son wants to go inside to eat (where my temptation to have some very fattening food awaits). I relent. We go inside, I eat my good-but-not-good-for-me food. And we play the games suggested by the kids meal bag…a matching game, an eye spy game. I enjoy this small moment between me and my son.

Moment #2:

I am holding her. She puts her small arm around my neck and squeezes. The first actual hug from my daughter.

Moment #3:

We moved all Michael’s toys up to his room this weekend. Through the years, some contingency of his toys has been neatly (and sometimes not so neatly) kept in the corner of the living room. Now, as part of baby proofing, his toys are now all upstairs in his room (some of them are being given to charity, some are being saved for Willow). Toys that go in that corner are now going to be Willow’s toys. I had not thought about the emotional impact of this. Until I looked at my husband’s expression. Our first born is growing up before our eyes.

See more Perfect Moments.

Show & Tell #27

I do not wear a lot of jewerly, but I do like bracelets, especially charm bracelets. Here are some that I have:

This is my newest one:

It has both Michael's birthstones and Willow's birthstones.





Here are a couple I got a few years ago to commerate my obsession with Dr. Who.

(I like wearing these geeky ones at conventions--I am especially proud of the Tardis!)




The first bracelet I ever got from my son. He made this for me at daycare when he was 3 years old. I was so touched that he made this specifically for me, I wore it every day for about a year--hence why it is really kinda dirty...



And finally, my fondness for bracelets has not gone unnoticed by my son, this is what he got me for a birthday present a couple of years ago:

Echos

Being at work, knowing that soon it will not be my work anymore. Already I am not doing my job, as I am only contracted to do the filing. I feel a bit distant. I go down the hall, expecting to hear a certain person's voice on the phone...she is not there. I leave for the day and I look at the corner office, expecting to see another co-worker still working in her office. One whole section of our office is empty. It is eerie.

I have been at this company for 10 years. I have saved voice mail messages throughout the years. I have the first phone message I ever got from my son. He was 4years old and he was talking to me about Spongebob. He sounds so small. He hesitates, and stammers out about a new Spongebob computer game that he has started playing. His voice with a South Boston accent from his daycare providers. I have my husband talking about an incident during Michael's first grade...the high school was being built, and there was a gas leak, so the fire trucks were out and the school was waiting for the all clear to let the kids go in. He talks about how the kids were going up to the first grade teacher saying that they don't want to be at school. I have a voice mail from my brother when he had just moved up here and was trying to be cheerful despite his heart just being broken from a divorce.

All these messages that I saved throughout the years will be deleted. This morning, I brought my video camera in and I videotaped the phone and played the voice mail messages. I videotaped my working space...my pictures of my husband and I before the kids, our chinchillas, various Michael pictures and drawings that he has made when he has come into work with me and the new pictures of Willow.

Soon I will be gone and all that will be left will be echos.

Milestones

Willow went to her 9 month wellness check up today. She is 17 lbs. 12 oz. and she is 27 inches.
The doctor said she is very expressive (she was really putting on a show for him).

In nine months I have seen her change from a helpless little being to a spunky almost-toddler. It struck me today how much she has “turned on” in the last few weeks. She is crawling and pulling herself up. She is eating cherrios, pizza crusts, rice, the occasional magazine cover…

But aside from all the wonderful physical milestones, I am starting to see glimmers of her personality. She has definite preferences in toys (and the types of toys) she likes. She beams whenever one of us comes in the room. She follows the cat with her eyes with an expression of love and want. (Wait a week or so, Gabby, then you will to run out of her way). She giggles at things. She dances to music, and she is curious curious curious about the world around her. Even her clingy-ness lately is a sign that she is growing up.

She is officially been outside my body longer than she was in. And I am so very grateful for her.

Show & Tell #26

This is going to be a Tell instead of a Show. This morning, my husband let me sleep in (I have a nasty cold and I have been up most the night the past couple of nights). When I got up, I came downstairs. My husband was playing with Willow on the floor. When Willow saw me--she CRAWLED across the room to me. Purposely with her tummy off the floor and her knees and arms moving. It was her first time crawling, and my husband, my son and I got to see it together!

Flippety Flop

Today is officially my last day. It is officially the last day for 4 others here.

I am lucky however. Last week my boss asked if I could stay another month to clean up the mess. Well, he did not say that specifically—basically I will not be doing my job anymore. I will be gathering up the files and integrating them from the various empty offices. When I am done, so-and-so’s office will have no files. No life. I am The Filer of Death!!

Today my stomach is going flippety-flop. Missing people who are still here (who have no idea that I have a reprieve); missing my job that will be gone soon.

My stomach is also flipping because I got a call from the agency. They have a temp to perm job that might work for me. Lower pay. Good hours and 10 mins from my house. There is also a message on my machine (so my husband vaguely tells me) about another position. (I cannot access remotely our new answering machine—ARGGH!). Could either of these prospects actually turn into anything? Or are they just a high point on which I will fall down as I ride the roller coaster of the job hunt?

My stomach is also growling. Our company is going to do one last hurrah. Get a pink slip –get a free lunch!

Perfect Moment Monday

Perfect Moment #1:

I haven't given him a bath in a while. I usually draw his bath, maybe wash his hair. But he is bigger now. Almost 10 years old. So, I usually let him wash himself, while I go off to do the many other tasks at hand. Last night, I wanted to spend time with him. Just me and my son. So, I scrubbed him down. We talked about how the Romans used spoons to dig out the dirt, instead of sponges. We talked about how perfumes were used in Egyptian times. Somehow Spongebob was quoted. In other words, a typical discussion with my son. He has gotten so big. He barely is contained in the bathtub now--his legs have to bend a bit so that his feet touch the end of the tub. I marvel at this child, this boy, who has grown from a small baby to this wonderful boy.

Perfect Moment #2:

This morning, getting ready to leave the bedroom. She is in her daddy's arms, getting ready to be dressed. He has just taken her off the bassinet/changing table in our room. He puts the bassinet part back on with one hand, while holding her. As he talks to me, I see her. She is trying to grab onto the bassinet, but she is not close enough. It is just out of reach. While talking to him, I push the bassinet closer, just enough so she can grab it. She grabs it, and as she does, she gives me a secret smile.



Go visit other Perfect Moments Here.

Show & Tell #25

Yesterday, our friend Ana came over for a visit. Not only is she great with kids, she also is great with animals. She has a German shepherd puppy, named Rykka (reeka). Ana brought Rykka and her German Shepherd Grandmother--Jule (yule-lee). Jule is a care dog, specially trained to be taken to nursing homes, etc. Which means she is really gentle and can stand pokes and prods.

Ana had just had the dogs out exercising, so they were both tired.

And the kids enjoyed hanging out with Jule.



Willow checking out Jule's paw. (Yes, animals have fingers and toes too!)


Willow likes to pull hair--we are trying to teach her to pet our cat, but at the moment, hair pulling wins out. Jule doesn't mind at all. Michael is snuggling Jule. He closed his eyes and was sleeping with her for a few minutes before we brought Willow in...


Pictures taken by Ana's cell phone camera.

The Tale of our Television…a story about the economy we live in

About 5-6 months ago (before the collapse of Wall Street), when things were only “pretty bad”, we decided to buy a new television. Okay, we didn’t decide, our old television did. Anyway, we went to Circuit City and bought a 40 inch television. The brand name was Polaroid, who was filing for bankruptcy at the time, hence why it was a little cheaper. No problem, we have a service contract and warranty (and my feeling on things like Televisions/DVD players—as long as it’s a brand that you have heard of—its all the same stuff). So, New Years Day—the television blew up—sparks and everything. Calling Circuit City, they said they would have a repair guy (a subcontractor) come out and pick it up. A week later, we called and the repair man said that he was waiting for a part.

Today he called. Well, Polaroid is gone. Circuit City is shutting down. The part to repair the television is not forthcoming. The repair man said that we will be getting a refund. I am not sure from whom, but they assured us that we will get a refund. Because Circuit City will not do exchanges. Because like almost every company in the U.S.—they are going out of business or in trouble.

Once we get our money back, I guess we will go to one of the few stores that is doing well right now---Target or Walmart.

The Rollercoaster

One of my favorite scenes in movies is from Parenthood.

[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

That pretty much sums up my feelings about life in general and being a parent specifically.

But, I have found that there are some Roller Coaster rides that I don't like. The Roller Coaster of infertility and IVF, with the injections, tests and dreaded 2 week wait. That ride I could have done without.

And now I am on another Roller Coaster ride that I do not like. The job hunt. The perpetual wait for an interview, a call back, a rejection letter. A wait for more jobs to open up. The giddy-ness of finding a job that you think would be perfect, only to sink to depression when the job is taken by someone else (or made into a Part Time job only!) Add to the fact that the economy sucks, everyone is laid off...ugh--I have only begun the ride and I am feeling sick...

Book Tour #16: An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination

Time once again for a Book Tour...

Book: An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination
Author: Elizabeth McCracken

This was a tough book to get through, as the subject is about a still birth. Other than loss blogs, I have not read very much on this subject, so I was especially struck by the straight forwardness of the author, as well as the ocassional humor throughout the book.

Onto the questions:

I was so moved by the writing and emotion in this book, and I wanted to pass it along to many people just because it's a great book, but I realized that a dead baby book is an awkward and probably inappropriate gift for most people. While reading, was there anybody that you wanted to give the book to? Why? Did you pass it along to anyone? If not, what held you back? Is it more appropriate for a woman who has lost a baby to give out a loss book than a woman who has not? What about a woman who has lost a baby, but the loss is unknown to the recipient -- does the gift expose her secret? Would you give the book to a woman that you know has lost a child?

I did not think to pass it along. Partially because I have never had such a loss, partially because I almost feel that this is a book that is most appropriate for people who have experienced such a loss. I would give this book to a woman who has lost a child. I think that, just like the loss blog community, it would be a great help to read someone who has experienced such a loss.

My favourite line of the book comes on page 103: "Closure is bullshit." In your opinion (whether or not you have experienced pregnancy loss yourself), is this true or false?

If I could, I would have a bumper sticker made saying that. It is so very very true. I do think that there are some things in life that you can never have closure on. I think death is one of those things where the living often feel like they would like to just talk to the dead one last time, or see them one last time, etc. That is a longing for closure. But there is no closure and can never be.

McCracken states that her only regret regarding Pudding, was that she didn't hold him. Would you hold your baby in the same situation?

That was one of the few things that I could not relate to was her decision not to hold him. I have never dealt with such a loss, but if I had...I would have held him and they probably would have had to rip him out of my arms. I mean, I held him in my body for months on end--why would I not want to hold him then? I very much would want that tangible something to remember him.

Show & Tell #24 - Introducing - Pepi!

First off, I would like to thank the many people who have left comments and sent me e-mails concerning my lay off at the end of the month. I am luckier than most, and one way I am lucky is to have this community to give me encouragement and strength. After the many years of struggling with our secondary infertility, I thought that the last couple years things were finally looking up. And while they are still not bleak, it is a blow to lose a job that I have had for almost ten years, especially in these times.

Onto Show & Tell...

Two S&Ts in a row about our pets!

Michael's birthday is in February...but he has gotten an early present from us...a green Iguana, which he named Pepi (pronounced Peppy).

Pepi eats green vegetables and squash, fruits and berries. (He can also eat crickets if we so choose).

Why an Iguana, you might ask? One reason is that none of us are squirmish with any lizards or reptiles. Another, my husband had a pet Iguana (named Bananas)when he was Michael's age. Third...um, I guess because he is cute...

Pepi and Michael

And this is why I love him...

As I was working today (a very weird affair, the day after the lay off announcement--half the company will be leaving at the end of the month), I suddenly felt that someone was behind me. Still seated, I turned around--and right in front of my face were a dozen roses. Being held by my husband. Who then hugged me and said "Everything will be alright." And then he left.

After work, he came home--with chocolate cake!

Here are some pictures he took with his phone of the roses (that I brought home) and cake.





And, now, just for fun, some more photos he has taken with his phone recently (well, more like during holiday break).

Ode to the End of Breast Feeding

See Mom’s Breast

Moo. Moo. Moo.

See Mom Rest.

Boo. Boo. Boo.

See Mom get up and feed

Moo. Moo. Moo.

At every hour that you need.

Moo. Moo. Moo.

Now you have grown

And will not even have known

How often your mom

Drew out her breast

For you to feast,

All I can say

Is that cow’s are not the only

Ones who go

Moo. Moo. Moo.*



*While I will acknowledge the many benefits of breastfeeding**, I must say that I never got the whole “thing” with it. Two kids later, I am happy I did it for each of them as long as I did (1 year for oldest, 9 months for youngest), but I was not entranced by it. It was a means to an end, sometimes rewarding, sometimes annoying. While I will miss it in the sense that it is yet another baby milestone I will not experience again, I will not be crying over ending it. Do I end on a pun? Oh, why the hell not—Thanks for the Mammeries!

** Please don't take this as an invitation to discuss how bad a mother I am for not breastfeeding anymore. It was a mutual choice between me and my daughter, as is it your choice to continue (or not).

Apprehension - Update, or Irony is Pretty Ironic...

ap⋅pre⋅hen⋅sion   [ap-ri-hen-shuhn] –noun
1. anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.
2. the faculty or act of apprehending, esp. intuitive understanding; perception on a direct and immediate level.
3. acceptance of or receptivity to information without passing judgment on its validity, often without complete comprehension.
4. a view, opinion, or idea on any subject.
5. the act of arresting; seizure.


I have been a bit apprehensive lately. I think a lot of it has to do with the unknowable future of my job. My office is currently going week by week (literally), so before each pay check, I hold my breath to see if my pay has been cut, only to let that breath out with a sigh of relief---ah! Not yet! (But soon. But soon.)

UPDATE: So, um...I guess I am also psychic. Because today I was pulled aside and told that as of January 31, 2009, I will be out of a job. I am loving this year so far, oh yeah.

I am also worried about the future of the country. I want this President to do well. I worry that there are so many expectations and hopes riding on him that he cannot but fail. Our country is so divided and torn and desperate. It needs healing and help. I hope that this will happen.

Another bit of worry: without very much research or planning (very atypical of me), we have purchased an Iguana for our son (its an early Birthday Present). I have no idea how to take care of an iguana (and yes, supposedly this is going to be Michael’s responsibility). Good news—my husband had one when he was a kid. I think this apprehension will go away soon. (Pepe (or is it Peppy?) is a cute lizard—I will have pictures for Show & Tell)

I am also apprehensive about Michael’s Birthday Party. I have my usual jitters about whether anyone will show up, but I am also worried because this is the most expensive party we have ever done. And its Michael’s last themed party (he can't be really turning 10 Years Old--No way!!). And I want to make sure it goes off okay. And I might be laid off by the time it happens (next month).

Oh…and there is the leak in the upstairs bathroom (the downstairs bathroom ceiling is showing the water marks, but we do not know where its coming from—I think the bath tub). We are getting ready to call the plumber (it’s a slow leak—but it’s a leak nonetheless). UGH.

Goals for the Year

I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions (Okay, I think they are crap. Just like I think Valentines Day is a Hallmark Holiday meant to make a huge part of the population miserable. Yeah, I am a cynical, cynical woman.)

But, I do like lists! And organization. And having my life not in a free fall like it has been a lot of the last year (mainly for good reasons).

So, if not for anyone else but for me, here are a list of “goals” for 2009 and beyond.

• Eat healthier (i.e. not as much eating out) and get back into my exercise routine (thus losing that “baby/PPD/dealing with newborn” weight)
• Get my husband to eat healthier and exercise (not an easy goal)
• To not get laid off (okay, an impossible to control goal, but one I can try to strive for nonetheless) Okay, amending to say to deal with the possibility of being laid off the best I can.
• To enjoy as many of Willow’s milestones as possible and to not needlessly worry about whether she is meeting them at the “right time” or not. Teeth grow when they grow. Children do eventually move around and nobody enters kindergarten in diapers.
• To enjoy Michael, even when his idiosyncrasies drive me crazy.
• To enjoy those mornings when Michael has snuck into our bed to snuggle close to us. (How long before he won’t do this anymore?!)
• To get back into Scrapbooking. (more than once every 3 months!)
• To enjoy my life and the people in it.
• Keep up my current pace on my book reading (I’ve read 3 books since the beginning of December)
• Think before I get angry. Learn patience. Be a role model.
• Keep having family meetings. Make a chart for chores. Get Michael more involved with this process.
• Praise for a job well done or remembered. Please and Thank you.
• Read every night to Willow.
• Let Michael be more independent.
• Baby proof, but do not over proof.
• Re-institute the Nature Trail walk every weekend during spring, summer.
• Let little things go.

Show & Tell #24

I thought I would share some photos of another family member. Our cat, Gabrielle (Gabby for short).

Some of the first pictures of Gabrielle. We got her from a shelter in New Hampshire. We were actually at a gaming convention, and one of our friends volunteers at the shelter. The Sunday of the convention, about the time we were getting ready to head home to Massachusetts, Michael and I went to the shelter to look for a cat.




Her name comes from Xena the Television Show. Gabrielle was Xena's sidekick.



Thinking back on when I bought her, I remember there were subtle thoughts that I kept to myself. We bought her when were in the midst of the worst part of our struggle with Secondary Infertility. We had not started IVF or adoption processes yet. But we knew something was wrong. I remember thinking that, at the very least, if I could not give my son a sibling I could give him a companion.





Since then, things have changed. Gabby has gotten fatter. She has become part of the family.



She is a very social cat. She loves to be where people are. She loves to be petted. She will find the room with the most people and sleep there. She is protective. She is curious. And she is loved.



And she has accepted, albeit wearily, the new addition to our house. This picture is her trying out Willow's crib before Willow was born. Now Gabrielle likes to sleep in the abandoned bassinet in our room (we still keep it cuz it converts to a changing table). At night Gabrielle sleeps there beside us--another life that has added so much to our family.

Bedtime Routines – Under Construction

Willow is 8 months old and we are still trying to work out the kinks on our bedtime routines with the kids.

I think there was a period of a couple months when all ran smoothly, probably around the time school just started. Both kids went down about 8 – 8:30 p.m. I thought that was that. When Michael was 2 months old, he went to bed at 7:30 – 8:00 p.m. every night and slept through the night…a routine that has not varied that much in 9 years.

BUT kids are individuals, and my girl does not like going to bed early…oh no.

And, then, well, things got complicated.

Willow got a growth spurt and had a teething episode (no teeth yet) which made her fussy to put down and we had troubles getting her to bed before 11 p.m. (or later) Luckily that was only for a week—but after that time, she has not gone to bed before 9:00 p.m. The good news—when she is finally to bed, she sleeps through the night (she’s been doing that since 3 months).

Then, Michael had some troubles getting to sleep at night. He would wake up and not easily go back to bed. I think he was having a bit of stress over starting 4th grade, he was starting a new ADHD medication that caused wakefulness, etc.

Finally, the last few weeks before the holidays we had gotten them down to a somewhat better routine. Michael would go to bed between 8:00 – 8:30 and Willow would go to bed around 9:30 – 10:00 p.m. But that was EXHAUSTING. Especially when you add in cleaning up the dinner dishes, house hold stuff, packing Michael’s lunch/snack for the next day, maybe, maybe relaxing a bit before going to bed. (Oh, and maybe talking to one’s spouse for a bit about things other than the kids)

Complications to our bedtime plans abound. Michael has to go to therapy every other week and the week that he is not doing therapy, its Cub Scouts (also recommended by the doctor as a way to get him to be more social). Then there is the homework issue. A typical 4th grader after school with homework—that is tough. With Michael, getting him to do his homework in a timely matter is like herding cats (I love that phrase). And then I would like to spend some quality time with my son…and also feed him dinner, etc.

We decided that over holiday break we would get Willow used to a routine getting her down at 9 p.m. Umm…well, we got her down to 9:30 p.m. The funny thing—she is not at all fussy. She is just happy and wants to play and play and play. (Oh and eat). And its not like she sleeps a lot during the daytime. Nope, both my children run on Parent Power (they drain our energy and use it, thus sustaining themselves with very little sleep).

We are working on getting the routine down, but it seems that we get sabotaged (sometimes by ourselves).

Last night was a typical night. All things were going well. I was getting ready to say that Michael should go to bed (it was 8 p.m.) and my husband, who had come home later than us (just in time for dinner) and just wanted to spend some time with his son, said “why don’t we watch ____________”. So, ½ hour cartoon program later, we now try to get Michael to bed. Which means he goes to bed around 9 p.m.

Meanwhile, my husband, the Baby Charmer, gets Willow to sleep and I put her up in her crib. Her eyes open (its 9:05). But, she sucks her thumb (so CUTE) and turns over. She will go to sleep. I creep down the stairs. A few minutes later, we hear her cry. We know that if we let her cry, she will be asleep in 10-20 mins. I go to the bathroom. As I sit, I hear on the upstairs ceiling---pitter patter pitter patter (my son’s feet). He goes to the bathroom upstairs. I hear him flush. I hear the baby still crying. And then I hear my son take the baby and bring her downstairs. Cuz she was so cute and crying and maybe we did not hear her.

So…the kids got to bed at 10 p.m. last night.

Parents went to bed at 1 a.m. after unwinding for an hour.

The struggle goes on….

Oh, and just for fun, here's an obligatory photo--from last night, Willow eating dinner (see the sleep in her eyes? Nope, neither do I!)

Gifts

As she ran her hands through my hair, the soothing comfort of it made me drift.  As she pulled and rubbed at my scalp, I drifted off to sea on an imaginary wave.  As she touched my face and pulled and stretched and rubbed, I relaxed and closed my eyes.

___________________________

As she pulled strands of my hair as hard as she could, I could tell she was pulling herself backwards (I am a natural bungee cord!).  As tears come to my eyes, I hear her giggle.  As she put her whole fist into my mouth to explore my teeth and tongue, I gag a little but let her do it anyways.  The pokes and prods elicited smiles and wide brown eyes.  I nuzzled her tummy and heard her explode with giggles.

Show & Tell #23

The kids Christmas morning...untold stories...


Michael loves to have Willow come sit next to him. His relationship with her is growing and it
is so wonderful to watch as they slowly come to see each other as individuals. She lights up when he comes into a room. She lets him clumsily carry her over to the couch to sit with him.




Stories underneath the photo: Michael has lately started to use our afghan as not only a blanket, but HIS blanket. It started after Michael and I had a day off together and watched Madagascar2. A character has a security blanket named Foo Foo. So, now Michael has a Foo Foo. Willow is holding the first book I ever read to her, a Cat in the Hat book for nursery age children..she LOVES to put it in her mouth. Both my kids hair is out of control no matter what I do.

Happy New Year -- Botana and Boom!!

So, we started the New Year off by lazing around the house. I made my husband's favorite, a botana (like his mom used to make)


I think this will become a traditional thing.*

We put away the holiday decorations and tree, my husband and my son both disappearing every so often as they did not want to put them away. (Hmmm..I am always ending up putting the decorations away).

My son had gotten us involved in the annual Twilight Zone marathon and we were enjoying the day watching black and white and ironic endings.

The evening was wearing down and we started getting the end of holidays/vacation blues (even though Michael and I had Friday off). Our friend John came over and we were starting another Twilight Zone eppy, when SNAP, SPARK, BOOM. Our four month old 40 inch t.v. went Ka-Boomy.

T.V. repair coming on Monday--until then, we get a hint of the old days--the old 19 inch t.v. from upstairs. (It was a bit unnerving to watch my son laying in front of the old t.v. with a black and white television show--like a flashback to my youth).

*Its really simple:

Layer corn chips (no salt), refried beans (just spoonfuls all over), and shredded cheese. Add more cheese to the top layer.

Microwave until the cheese melts.

For toppings, chop up:

1 onion
2 avocados
2 tomatoes
1 can of chopped green chillis
(obviously you can make it hotter by doing jalepenos, etc.)

Add a dolop of sour cream.

Since my husband and I have differing tastes, we wait until we have our individual servings before we top it with above ingredients.