Thursday, April 10, 2008

Two Weeks from Today (or sooner)

So, its officially two weeks from my scheduled C-Section.

Someone asked me if I was excited. And yes, I am. But mostly, I am anxious and anxiety ridden. And this is normal for me. Before a trip or an event, I am the organizer. I like getting things ready. I like having it all planned out. To the point that I am ready two or three days BEFORE the travel date. Or I am ready 2-3 hours before the party.

And then I WAIT. Which is kinda silly, cuz I hate waiting. But, I want to be organized…so I guess I trump myself.

So, I am organizing and planning. My normal coping mechanisms.

But there is also the other aspect. The aspect that has come from 5 long years and many long months of dealing with needles and injections and missteps and disappointments. I STILL, even at this point, cannot believe that there will be a healthy baby girl in my life in 2 weeks. I cannot picture her. I try to picture her in the baby clothes. But I cannot. Is it too much to hope for? What will happen to prevent this? And while I take solace in the blogsphere, I also find reasons to fuel my worries. This hope for another child has been just that—hope, for so long, I just cannot believe that it will truly happen.

I remember when I was pregnant with Michael. I could picture him in the crib. He was Generic Baby, all clean and happy and drooly. But he was there and I KNEW he would be there. I NEVER questioned that I would have a happy and healthy child. I am so amazed at that attitude, especially because his birth was so traumatic (and there was an actual chance of something bad happening). But somehow, my innocence on the matter saved me the worry. Only afterwards do I see what a danger my son and I were in.

Now, there are no signs of danger. Everything is going according to plan (so far). Willow is fine, I am fine (older but healthier this time around). But, I cannot picture the happy ending.

Normally, I relax and enjoy myself after we arrive. Once the plane has gotten on the ground, once we have unpacked at our destination, once the party has started and all my planning and organization pays off. I guess I just need her here. Now. So I can start enjoying this new person in my life.


Valerie said...

I so understand where you are coming from, I feel the same way. Secondary IF has a way of really messing with your head. I can not believe only 2 weeks until willow!

Waiting Amy said...

I've been feeling this way a lot lately too. It seems very unreal. Even though I now look pg and can feel the babies, its hard to believe that they will actually make it here and be mine. And some of the tragedies in the blogosphere can make it hard to have faith.

But you and Willow have overcome so much, and I really believe that beautiful little girl will be cooing in your arms very soon! Hang in there!

Jackie said...

I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way every day! Keep your chin up and take it easy.

Cibele said...

I understand hoe you feel, but it is real, Willow will be here soon and she will be your healthy baby girl! i confess that when Lyla was born I had a hard time believing that she was mine, my baby... now that the days have passed, it feels more real, and I am so in love with her!!!

Fertilized said...

Wow only 2 weeks away! Wishing for it to all go incredibly smooth and surpass all your expectations

Killing time...

Things I have been doing lately: Job hunting Cuddling with cats Worrying about the world at large Worrying about Michael's future...