So, its officially two weeks from my scheduled C-Section.
Someone asked me if I was excited. And yes, I am. But mostly, I am anxious and anxiety ridden. And this is normal for me. Before a trip or an event, I am the organizer. I like getting things ready. I like having it all planned out. To the point that I am ready two or three days BEFORE the travel date. Or I am ready 2-3 hours before the party.
And then I WAIT. Which is kinda silly, cuz I hate waiting. But, I want to be organized…so I guess I trump myself.
So, I am organizing and planning. My normal coping mechanisms.
But there is also the other aspect. The aspect that has come from 5 long years and many long months of dealing with needles and injections and missteps and disappointments. I STILL, even at this point, cannot believe that there will be a healthy baby girl in my life in 2 weeks. I cannot picture her. I try to picture her in the baby clothes. But I cannot. Is it too much to hope for? What will happen to prevent this? And while I take solace in the blogsphere, I also find reasons to fuel my worries. This hope for another child has been just that—hope, for so long, I just cannot believe that it will truly happen.
I remember when I was pregnant with Michael. I could picture him in the crib. He was Generic Baby, all clean and happy and drooly. But he was there and I KNEW he would be there. I NEVER questioned that I would have a happy and healthy child. I am so amazed at that attitude, especially because his birth was so traumatic (and there was an actual chance of something bad happening). But somehow, my innocence on the matter saved me the worry. Only afterwards do I see what a danger my son and I were in.
Now, there are no signs of danger. Everything is going according to plan (so far). Willow is fine, I am fine (older but healthier this time around). But, I cannot picture the happy ending.
Normally, I relax and enjoy myself after we arrive. Once the plane has gotten on the ground, once we have unpacked at our destination, once the party has started and all my planning and organization pays off. I guess I just need her here. Now. So I can start enjoying this new person in my life.
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