Ah, the fun of the after-vacation blues and the pre-IVF cycle jitters

So, back at work today. Not thrilled, but yet its nice to get back into a routine (I guess). Michael's first day of summer day camp starts today. I am a bit nervous for him. And husband has many many deadlines at work to deal with (not like they did not call him almost every day on vacation). Yep, vacation (which was wonderful and will be elaborated on in another post) is definately over.

The good news--my biopsy came back normal, so this cycle is a go. I am going to go ahead, starting Birth Control pills sometime this week. And the nurse was even one step ahead and she is putting a call in for the other meds so they can be delivered by mid-July. I am excited and nervous.

Luckily, I get a little time to re-aclimate myself to our normal routine before I have to go through the IVF routine.

Hopeful

Had our consult on Friday and then had a Hysteroscopy (http://www.gynalternatives.com/hysteroscopy.htm) and a biopsy on Monday. Basically, just to make sure there is no inflammation in my uterus. (Sometimes if the embryos do not implant, it could be because of that). IF there is an inflammation, I take antibiotics, and then we are a go. IF there are no problems, we are a go for IVF #2, although one of the Docs did mention (as he was doing the biopsy) that maybe I want to lose a bit more weight before we try again.

I am a bit conflicted on that, as I have officially lost 65 - 70 lbs. since last year. I frankly don't know if I can lose any more (although he wasn't saying I had to lose a lot--maybe just 5 - 10 lbs). But, I am feeling like part of the reason I have hit a plateau is specifically because of the nature of IVF so I don't know. All I know is that it has always been hard enough to keep myself in the exercise loop, but with the rest required during IVF, along with the nice 'ole hormonal/emotional cravings for things I shouldn't have---it was an achievement to have not GAINED any weight this past cycle. We are going on vacation at the end of this week (great time to try lose weight!!), and AF isn't going to happen until later this month. Maybe I will wait until next month to start the BC's and hope that I can lose a little bit more before July's cycle. I don't know. Part of me wants to just get on to the next cycle and start TRYING something, but since I know we only have 3 cycles that are covered by insurance, I do want the best possible chances on this next one. To add to this, the doctor that we had the consult with (who is my main doctor) did not mention the weight issue--he was more interested in making this protocol a Microflare (the type of protocol done with even older women--higher doses). This will basically mean that instead of 2 shots a day, I will do 4 shots a day. My hormones, which were pretty in check this last cycle, will definately be in an uproar!

So, to IVF in June or July is my hopeful outlook right now. I won't know the results from the biopsy until next week. I am conflicted about the weight issue--any thoughts?

Photo Album blues

My brother brought back a whole bunch of photo albums from Michigan. I have spent some time looking at them, and showing Michael some of the pictures of me as a baby, his dad and me when we first met, Halloween pictures (Michael loves Halloween), etc. Seeing pictures of my grammie (and grandpa K.)filled me with a melancholy that did not get better when a friend called to find out what our beta had said. So, my mood which was getting better had a bit of a hit. I little chocolate therapy helped.

Meanwhile, trying to wait for June 8th to see when I can get back on the IVF horse, I have started to look forward to vacation (June 15-22). We are going to Cape Cod, and while I am a bit concerned that my MIL is coming with us, I am looking forward to it. I intend to not look at ANY IVF or adoption books, articles or blogs (limited internet will help). I have done my typical anal organizational planning--having a daily calendar set up with plans for basically each day (I try to plan only one major thing per day--not to overwhelm oneself, but gee, I hate to do NOTHING!). There is an "Ellen" episode where "Ellen and Laurie decide to take a vacation to San Diego, but tensions flare when Laurie wants to do everything on a schedule and carefree Ellen wants to do things in a relaxed manner". I am the Laurie...I try to turn that part of me down a bit during vacation.

Shell Shocked

"The most common symptom is fatigue: slower reaction times, indecision, disconnection from one's surroundings, and inability to prioritize."

After all the planning, waiting, shots, and the final 2 week wait...this is what it comes down to for me. I am numb (might thave something to do with the plum wine and sake last night). I am tired of doing this. Yet wanting to "just get on" with IVF #2. I am tired of "wanting". Especially since I feel that sometimes that wanting makes me less able to enjoy the things I have, especially my son. And my son is wonderful. He is so damn curious and so intelligent. The first thing he said when I said that the test was negative: "So, you are not pregnant? So, you can try again, right?" Not a problem that can't be solved... And then I told him the best thing about this---I could pick him up again (gosh, he's 50 lbs!). I tried to put a positive swing on H and me going out for dinner (drinks)--"We are going to go out to celebrate the end of this cycle and the beginning of another one". My son would have none of that ---"Mom, that seems kinda silly!"

Anyways, posting this helps me get myself clear on these feelings, regardless of whether anyone reads this or not. And I do know that I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son. And I look forward to a long weekend where I will not only try to recover myself but enjoy what things I have in life. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend, I can face my life again, and look forward to cycle 2...

Not looking good...Update

Update: Yep, BFN. No babies in February for Michael's birthday! Well, to say the least we are dissapointed, but I do think it was good to POAS on Monday morning, cuz it gave me a chance to deal. And while I am definately going to get at least a little tipsy tonight, I think I am almost ready to deal with going for another IVF Cycle. We have a consult with our Dr. on June 8th and we will see where it goes from there.

But, all things considered, IVF was not as awful as my fears. I did not go off the hormonal deep end (too much); I got used to giving myself the shots; I even survived the Egg Retrieval. SO, I guess another go around is in the cards--and I think I will be able to handle it.


We broke down and got a Home Pregnancy Test. This morning, the stick had a clearly distinct ONE pink line. Not even a faint second line. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Now, I know that there is a chance that its too early for POAS (Pee On A Stick), and maybe the blood test on Wednesday will be different--but the likely hood is, that we are not pregnant.

And yes, I am jumping the gun a bit on the negative outlook, but it actually is giving me time to grieve now, so that on Wednesday, when they tell me its a BFN (Big Fat Negative), I can be ready to start looking towards---IVF #2!!! (Oh Joy!)

What Science Fiction Character Are You?

G'Kar
Ceaselessly struggling for a well-deserved redemption, you carefully arrange your alliances and energies.
There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom.

Waiting sucks and other musings...

I am so tired of waiting. I am not a waiting type of person. Now, I know lots of people would hate waiting...and I understand that waiting is part of it, understood it from the start. But I REALLY suck at waiting. I hated waiting for summer vacation when I was a kid, hated waiting for Santa Claus (yes, I was the one peeking in the hiding places for the presents), hated waiting 9 months for the first one, hated waiting for him to "DO" something interesting (I am NOT a "Baby" person--I like it when they stop being potato lumps and actually DO something), hated waiting for....oh, okay, I just am not a patient person, okay!?!?

Random thoughts just popping in my mind, trying to distract myself. Half the time thinking that I am pregnant (was this how I felt nine years ago? hmmm?); half the time thinking I definately am not. Then I tell myself--stupid! its too soon to tell!! That is WHY you are WAITING!!! Then, I think of a random episode of Rome or BSG, or the Saturn project that I am helping Michael on (spent $50!! at A.C. Moore for a 2nd Grade project on the planet Saturn). Yesterday we painted Saturn and some of its moons (its got about 50+!) And he did such a great job---and then my mind goes right to the fact that soon he will be old enough not to have my help at mixing the paints of his projects at all. And then I think about the fact that I so wanted a little brother or SISTER for him by now....and then we are back to thinking maybe I might be pregnant (was this how I felt nine years ago? hmmm?)....

2 fertilized...

Given the low number of oocytes taken, I am happy with the 2 ferts---tomorrow they transfer them in and then its a LONG 2 week wait for the IVF lottery jackpot.

Suck Eggs!

Okay, I am at home recovering. My tummy hurts, especially on the left side--my left ovary loves to hide, it seems. Anyways, we got 5 eggs (the average is 5 - 12). But, as the embroyologist said, its the quality not the quantity. They said they looked good, and we have to call after 11 a.m. tomorrow to see if they fertilize. If they do, the transfer could be on Friday...

Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

Okay, here goes!! Husband was a trooper and gave me the HCG shot, and we are a go! The shot was not as bad as I thought it would be--I did ice it up REAL good, and I barely felt it. I think he was more scared than I was!!

We go in tomorrow at 9 a.m., egg retreival at 10 a.m. Here is hoping for some good eggs, and as my son said this morning, "Are dad's sperm ready?" Let's give a cheer for them and for science!

Go Sperms!! Go Eggs!!

Shots, more shots, and more to come...

So far things are going good on the IVF front. Not sure if its my naivety on what I am doing, or because I have read and read about this procedure or the fact that, frankly, my life goes really fast paced most of the time, so I just don't have time to linger on it...

Anywho...started out taking 10 units of Lupron on April 17th, and now I am down to 5 units of Lupron and 300 units of Gonal at night. Tomorrow I get blood work, and they will then tell me what next. So far, not sure what I think of the clinic. They are friendly and nice, but, aside from when I come into get bloodwork, they are mainly a faceless bunch who leave me voice mails on what the next steps should be. Not sure if this normal, but at least for right now, this is right for me. I prefer to just do it on my own--I will call to ask questions, but generally, I like to be left alone to my own devices. And so far, while I have a general idea of what is going on, I do like the fact that they are giving me this piece meal.

In other news, went to Philly for part of spring break. It was wet (this was during the Nor'easter), the hotel was below expectations and Philly has some big city problems that are more noticeable than, say Boston. Let's just say, reminded us of back home in Michigan (like, say, Detriot). But the things we did were fun, including going to the Franklin Institute and seeing the King Tut Exhibition (the main reason we went) and the Giant Heart (!) (Michael went into it 3 times). Also went to the Mutter Museum (HAD to do that) and Eastern State Penitentary. I have some pics, shortly will post some. All in all, it was fun, and after the first downpouring day, the rain did taper off, and we were able to enjoy the things we did.


Michael at Eastern State Penn. A stabilized ruin, abandoned as a prison in 1971. It is supposedly haunted (Ghost Hunters has been there).


The Giant Heart at the Franklin Institute.

Black Belt Club!

So, who knew he would actually want to commit? Not I!

Michael has decided he wants to practice and actually be a part of the Black Belt club in his karate class. I am wondering if its because he looks good in the black uniform....

I am definately proud of him, especially for the way he convinced us that he indeed would practice more and his understanding of the higher level of commitment.

I'm going to do this??

Okay. Okay. Getting ready for a go at IVF (in vitro fertilization). Waiting for the start of menstration. Then have to call the lab, start taking birth control pills (one of the many ironies of doing IVF), and then....okay. I can do this. I think.

Husband and I have been reading about it, taking books from the library, buying books. I have looked at various blogs of many many women, most of whom are in worse circumstances than me (why don't I feel luckier, then). Our nurse gave us a password to a site that has videos on how to take the shots, etc.

But yet...I am not sure if I am ready for this. I learn best by doing. And right now I am just WAITING (I hear that is a lot of IVF cycle--waiting and tests and more waiting). Not a patient person, I think I may have to learn to be one!

Of Battlestar and Rome

So, BSG is almost done for another season (the season finale is next Sunday). I am unsure what I have thought of this season. Generally I liked it, but it was uneven. I also have to admit that part of the reason I have been enjoying it (more so than some of the episodes warrant) has been listening to the podcasts. Thanks to Dear Hubby giving me an I-Pod for my birthday, I have been able to easily download and listen to the podcasts. And maybe I am podcast addicted. Just maybe. But I can actually make apologies for the problems with different episodes based on what the producer says "was" going to be vs. what the final outcome was. Okay, so my gripes on this season:

1. Not enough cylons. Okay, so we got on their ship earlier in the season, and there were a couple of cylon-centric eppys, but generally speaking, the "cylon threat" was not that present this year. I mean, its BSG--get the frakin' cylons messing with the rag tag fleet, instead of them "indirectly" influencing things. And what IS the cylon plan anyway?

2. Too much Tyrel. I like the chief. But not that much.

3. Too many episodes that really had nothing to do with the story arc as a whole. NOW, in the last two episodes they are finally going to have Balter's trial?


Now, onto the other show that has kept me thinking on it while I am at work and supposed to be doing other things. Hubby and I are netflixing "Rome". I love netflixing shows. Its fun, and I don't have to see them at the times that just don't work for me (like my son's bedtime, my dinner time, my reading time, my snuggling time--okay, I have other things to do than watch t.v. damn it!). Also, it really does keeps the dramatic pacing of the shows alive for me. "Rome" itself is "I, Claudius" on steriods. And I loved "I, Claudius". And, its got sex and violence (every American needs that, so I am told). Why, last night, I saw three severed heads!

R.I.P. Delenn

This morning we were saddened to see one of our chinchilla's had died. Delenn was the daughter of Claudius and Leeloo. Claudius is still with us (the old man); Leeloo died of pneumonia a few years ago. Delenn did not seem to suffer, and in fact, up till a few days ago, seemed fine. Last night we noticed she was not running/hopping about like normal. She just wanted to stay in her cage, resting. Claudius bounced into her cage and nuzzled her. Brad held her for a bit, but she just seemed listless. No visible signs of sickness. Then, this morning, I was worried about her, and checking in on them, found her lying on her side. She had died probably just a few hours before.

Delenn was a wonderfully curious chinchilla. A happy accident and definately one of the gifts Leeloo, who was always sickly, gave us. When Delenn was a baby, she would squeeze out of the cage and follow the baseboard heating system around our second floor. She would pop up in the various closets in the house. We finally put her in a mouse cage for a little while, until she got bigger. Whenever one of the chinchillas escaped, it was usually Delenn. Delenn knew she was the darling, and often was able to get three or four more raisins out of us. Michael loved both Delenn and Claudius, and both of them were patient with a small child. As he grew up, Michael became quite the "Chinchilla Wrangler" and both Delenn and Claudius liked having Michael build them a little "Chinchilla city" of blocks, etc.

We will miss you Delenn.

Movie stuff

Saw a great movie two nights ago and then a good movie last night, both interesting looks into psychology and our world.

Unfortunately, while I am at work and using a mac, I can't fully access my html stuff, but here is a link for information on "Pans Labyrinth" which I thoroughly enjoyed.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/pans_labyrinth/

It was disturbing, but not in the sense that one would think, not in the sense of the creatures and fairy tale-ness of it (although pretty ghastly images there), but in the way humans can be towards one another.

Then, last night I saw "Idiocracy", which is a movie most people have not heard of. The movie studio practically put the project back on the shelf, something about not being "patriotic" or some such crap. Below is a link about this movie:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/idiocracy/

(Yes, I like rottentomatoes...also like ruinedendings)

Idiocracy also was about the way humans can be towards one another and was a very disturbing satire of modern life.

Ah yes, Something we knew could be made...