Time to be Strong Again...

Tough times are here and they are coming. Hence why I have been silent this weekend. Usually I post on Show & Tell. Lately I have been doing Perfect Moment Mondays. But I needed some time to digest some tough things this weekend.

My father works in the auto industry. He has already had a 5% pay cut in the summer—company hoping to stave off lay offs. This past week, 20 people got laid off at his job. He survived—but now in addition to the pay cut, he is down to working only 4 days a week. Not sure how long before he is laid off.

I can sympathize with him. More than I would like to, actually. My work place is a small company (10 employees—one being me). We are dependant on others (I guess you could say we are a service industry), and others are cutting back. So, there has been talk of cutting people’s salaries, in hopes of staving off lay offs. (Sound familiar?) I really am not sure if I will have a job next month…or the next month. I don’t even want to think about 6 months from now.

I have been at this job for almost 10 years. Its not brain surgery, but it contributes to the family and it utilizes some of my brainpower and organizational skills. With the extra daycare costs, it was just above the feasible mark for me to go back to work after maternity leave. I figured that was okay, as (1) daycare costs eventually go down as she grows and (2) I have wonderful flexibility at my job that I don’t want to lose. Which I may lose anyway. (Ugh)

So. Where does this put me? Where does it put my family? Just as I am unsure where my company is going, I am unsure how this will impact my family. I know financially we could be okay for a while—especially pulling the kids out of daycare. But if I have the kids out of daycare—how do I look for a job? And, more importantly, are there any jobs out there?

And there is the underlying fear that I have about being a stay-at-home mom. I worry about PPD. I worry about feeling too tied down. I worry about losing whatever identity I do have. I worry that I will resent my infant that I so desperately wanted. I fear that I will be too tired and worn down to be a good mother, wife, interviewee, job seeker.

My usual way to cope is to plan and organize. At this point, however, I cannot plan too much, as I cannot know when and how my job loss will occur. But I am sure that, unless some miracle happens, I will lose my job this coming year.

It’s interesting how life and your experiences in it helps you through your next hurdles. A few years ago, I never in my wildest dreams would have thought we would have a sibling for Michael. Let alone a beautiful little girl. A few years ago, I was finished. I was depressed, I was certain that there was no way I could go through fertility treatments. Not only was I afraid of the unknown, but also I was CERTAIN I would fail. So, I can get through this—I have gone through years of infertility. I went through hospital and doctors procedures I thought I would never have the courage to do. I am stronger than I thought I was and I will be strong enough to deal with whatever comes.