Trying and failing to remain positive...

Okay, a little over 2 days left, and I am only freaking out just a bit. I have no symptons of pregnancy (nor probably should I). Sometimes a little cramp or soreness, which could mean anything. I bought the most expensive HPT I could find, digital and everything. I will test tomorrow morning, if I get the nerve up. And then Sunday is the beta.

I am feeling a bit negative right now. Perhaps its because Husband has been away all week, but I just can't be positive right now. IVF #1 started with such promise and was a bust. This one I took with more cautious optimism, but after the medications seemed to produce higher levels, we still did not get as many eggs out as I wanted. The doc said the egg quality was better, but still I got the news yesterday that number three embie had "arrested development" and therefore was not able to be frozen. So, I keep thinking...if that one couldn't survive, what about Atia and Servilla? Are they just breaking up in the atmosphere or what? Originally, I thought all our issues were mainly about (1) male infertility and (2) my weight. I have spent a whole lot of time and energy to fix number 2 (I've lost 70 lbs. though I could stand to lose 20 more); and supposedly this process fixes number 1. SO, you would think it would work, right??!

I already know that if this one doesn't work, I want to wait out the rest of the year. I don't need this up and down and appointments and needles and all this crap during the beginning of the school year (tough enough with the IEP meetings and dealing with ADHD medications, etc.). And then the holidays. So, if its negative, the third cycle will have to wait until next year.

There. At least I have a plan. Doesn't make me feel any better, but there it is.