Shell Shocked

"The most common symptom is fatigue: slower reaction times, indecision, disconnection from one's surroundings, and inability to prioritize."

After all the planning, waiting, shots, and the final 2 week wait...this is what it comes down to for me. I am numb (might thave something to do with the plum wine and sake last night). I am tired of doing this. Yet wanting to "just get on" with IVF #2. I am tired of "wanting". Especially since I feel that sometimes that wanting makes me less able to enjoy the things I have, especially my son. And my son is wonderful. He is so damn curious and so intelligent. The first thing he said when I said that the test was negative: "So, you are not pregnant? So, you can try again, right?" Not a problem that can't be solved... And then I told him the best thing about this---I could pick him up again (gosh, he's 50 lbs!). I tried to put a positive swing on H and me going out for dinner (drinks)--"We are going to go out to celebrate the end of this cycle and the beginning of another one". My son would have none of that ---"Mom, that seems kinda silly!"

Anyways, posting this helps me get myself clear on these feelings, regardless of whether anyone reads this or not. And I do know that I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son. And I look forward to a long weekend where I will not only try to recover myself but enjoy what things I have in life. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend, I can face my life again, and look forward to cycle 2...

Not looking good...Update

Update: Yep, BFN. No babies in February for Michael's birthday! Well, to say the least we are dissapointed, but I do think it was good to POAS on Monday morning, cuz it gave me a chance to deal. And while I am definately going to get at least a little tipsy tonight, I think I am almost ready to deal with going for another IVF Cycle. We have a consult with our Dr. on June 8th and we will see where it goes from there.

But, all things considered, IVF was not as awful as my fears. I did not go off the hormonal deep end (too much); I got used to giving myself the shots; I even survived the Egg Retrieval. SO, I guess another go around is in the cards--and I think I will be able to handle it.


We broke down and got a Home Pregnancy Test. This morning, the stick had a clearly distinct ONE pink line. Not even a faint second line. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Now, I know that there is a chance that its too early for POAS (Pee On A Stick), and maybe the blood test on Wednesday will be different--but the likely hood is, that we are not pregnant.

And yes, I am jumping the gun a bit on the negative outlook, but it actually is giving me time to grieve now, so that on Wednesday, when they tell me its a BFN (Big Fat Negative), I can be ready to start looking towards---IVF #2!!! (Oh Joy!)

What Science Fiction Character Are You?

G'Kar
Ceaselessly struggling for a well-deserved redemption, you carefully arrange your alliances and energies.
There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom.

Waiting sucks and other musings...

I am so tired of waiting. I am not a waiting type of person. Now, I know lots of people would hate waiting...and I understand that waiting is part of it, understood it from the start. But I REALLY suck at waiting. I hated waiting for summer vacation when I was a kid, hated waiting for Santa Claus (yes, I was the one peeking in the hiding places for the presents), hated waiting 9 months for the first one, hated waiting for him to "DO" something interesting (I am NOT a "Baby" person--I like it when they stop being potato lumps and actually DO something), hated waiting for....oh, okay, I just am not a patient person, okay!?!?

Random thoughts just popping in my mind, trying to distract myself. Half the time thinking that I am pregnant (was this how I felt nine years ago? hmmm?); half the time thinking I definately am not. Then I tell myself--stupid! its too soon to tell!! That is WHY you are WAITING!!! Then, I think of a random episode of Rome or BSG, or the Saturn project that I am helping Michael on (spent $50!! at A.C. Moore for a 2nd Grade project on the planet Saturn). Yesterday we painted Saturn and some of its moons (its got about 50+!) And he did such a great job---and then my mind goes right to the fact that soon he will be old enough not to have my help at mixing the paints of his projects at all. And then I think about the fact that I so wanted a little brother or SISTER for him by now....and then we are back to thinking maybe I might be pregnant (was this how I felt nine years ago? hmmm?)....

2 fertilized...

Given the low number of oocytes taken, I am happy with the 2 ferts---tomorrow they transfer them in and then its a LONG 2 week wait for the IVF lottery jackpot.

Suck Eggs!

Okay, I am at home recovering. My tummy hurts, especially on the left side--my left ovary loves to hide, it seems. Anyways, we got 5 eggs (the average is 5 - 12). But, as the embroyologist said, its the quality not the quantity. They said they looked good, and we have to call after 11 a.m. tomorrow to see if they fertilize. If they do, the transfer could be on Friday...

Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

Okay, here goes!! Husband was a trooper and gave me the HCG shot, and we are a go! The shot was not as bad as I thought it would be--I did ice it up REAL good, and I barely felt it. I think he was more scared than I was!!

We go in tomorrow at 9 a.m., egg retreival at 10 a.m. Here is hoping for some good eggs, and as my son said this morning, "Are dad's sperm ready?" Let's give a cheer for them and for science!

Go Sperms!! Go Eggs!!